Happy Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is fast approaching and every store in the world is trying to tell husbands what their wives would like to receive for a gift.

They’re pushing things like jewelry, perfume and spa gift certificates.  But those things are not what moms really want.  At least not this mom. 

Don’t get me wrong. Those are lovely gifts and I’d be thrilled to get any of them.  But I’d rather have my husband give me any of the following three things:

Mom Wish 1: The Aility to Use the Bathroom Alone

Wouldn’t it be kind of cool to be able to go into the bathroom without having someone knocking on the door the entire time?  I mean, it would be a brand new experience and may open up a whole new world of possibilities!  Who knows what moms could accomplish if the act of peeing could be done without having someone standing outside the door yelling “What are you doing in there?”

The best, though, is when you tell them not to come in but they do anyway. 

"Don't come in here."

“Do you need help wiping?”

“No. Get out.”

“My teacher says you’re supposed give people privacy in the bathroom.”

Oh really?  Well thank you for coming in here to tell me that.  I don’t think she meant only at school so feel free to apply your new knowledge in any bathroom related interaction.  Like right now, for example. 

Peeing in peace would be the ultimate Mother’s Day fantasy gift.  I’m fully aware that this will never happen.  But a girl can dream right?

Mom Wish 2: The Luxury of Eating a Meal Myself

As in, all by myself.  Without having to share ANY bites.

I don’t know what it is about my children but they seem to have a sixth sense that lets them know when I’m eating.  It’s like their baby super power. 

I’ll have been so carful opening the fridge, I didn’t make a noise when I got my fork out of the drawer, I’ll be juuuuust about to take a bite and…

“Can I try some of that?”

DAMMIT! Where did you people come from?  Sometimes I’ll even eat cold food to avoid having to make noise using the microwave.  I’m a desperate woman.

Fortunately, for the most part I can salvage my food with two words: “It’s spicy”. 

If you’re a mom and you don’t use that trick then you need to.  “It’s spicy” ends all the whining about wanting me to share.  I’m not really even sure they know what that means, but they know it’s not good.  Oh, and when it comes to liquids feel to use “It’s a drink for adults…like beer.” 

Because my kids don’t know what soda is, but they DEFINITELY know what beer is. 

Mom Wish 3: The Gift of Alone Time

This is the big one.  The “Mother” of all Mother’s Day gifts, if you will.

If you’ve read SHUT IT! you know how I feel about being talked at all day.  Silence is golden…unless you have a kid in the house…then silence is strictly terrifying!

It’s not that I don’t love my family.  I do.  I just want to love them from afar for one day.  What’s that they say about absence?  It cures Mommy of wanting to kill you?

All I want for Mother’s Day is to be alone with my thoughts, my books, my TV and my margaritas.  One day. That’s all I’m asking for.  It would benefit the entire family, honestly.

Maybe this year I’ll say to my husband “Money is tight this year, honey, so for Mother’s Day why don’t you and kids just TAKE A HIKE!”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!