Monday, April 30, 2012

Happy Mother's Day


Mother’s Day is fast approaching and every store in the world is trying to tell husbands what their wives would like to receive for a gift.

They’re pushing things like jewelry, perfume and spa gift certificates.  But those things are not what moms really want.  At least not this mom. 

Don’t get me wrong. Those are lovely gifts and I’d be thrilled to get any of them.  But I’d rather have my husband give me any of the following three things:

Mom Wish 1: The Aility to Use the Bathroom Alone

Wouldn’t it be kind of cool to be able to go into the bathroom without having someone knocking on the door the entire time?  I mean, it would be a brand new experience and may open up a whole new world of possibilities!  Who knows what moms could accomplish if the act of peeing could be done without having someone standing outside the door yelling “What are you doing in there?”

The best, though, is when you tell them not to come in but they do anyway. 

"Don't come in here."

“Do you need help wiping?”

“No. Get out.”

“My teacher says you’re supposed give people privacy in the bathroom.”

Oh really?  Well thank you for coming in here to tell me that.  I don’t think she meant only at school so feel free to apply your new knowledge in any bathroom related interaction.  Like right now, for example. 

Peeing in peace would be the ultimate Mother’s Day fantasy gift.  I’m fully aware that this will never happen.  But a girl can dream right?

Mom Wish 2: The Luxury of Eating a Meal Myself

As in, all by myself.  Without having to share ANY bites.

I don’t know what it is about my children but they seem to have a sixth sense that lets them know when I’m eating.  It’s like their baby super power. 

I’ll have been so carful opening the fridge, I didn’t make a noise when I got my fork out of the drawer, I’ll be juuuuust about to take a bite and…

“Can I try some of that?”

DAMMIT! Where did you people come from?  Sometimes I’ll even eat cold food to avoid having to make noise using the microwave.  I’m a desperate woman.

Fortunately, for the most part I can salvage my food with two words: “It’s spicy”. 

If you’re a mom and you don’t use that trick then you need to.  “It’s spicy” ends all the whining about wanting me to share.  I’m not really even sure they know what that means, but they know it’s not good.  Oh, and when it comes to liquids feel to use “It’s a drink for adults…like beer.” 

Because my kids don’t know what soda is, but they DEFINITELY know what beer is. 

Mom Wish 3: The Gift of Alone Time

This is the big one.  The “Mother” of all Mother’s Day gifts, if you will.

If you’ve read SHUT IT! you know how I feel about being talked at all day.  Silence is golden…unless you have a kid in the house…then silence is strictly terrifying!

It’s not that I don’t love my family.  I do.  I just want to love them from afar for one day.  What’s that they say about absence?  It cures Mommy of wanting to kill you?

All I want for Mother’s Day is to be alone with my thoughts, my books, my TV and my margaritas.  One day. That’s all I’m asking for.  It would benefit the entire family, honestly.

Maybe this year I’ll say to my husband “Money is tight this year, honey, so for Mother’s Day why don’t you and kids just TAKE A HIKE!”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

31 comments:

  1. Oh to have some time and nothingness - and by that I mean disconnected from electronics as well! I wish you the Mother's Day of your desires!

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  2. Yeah, sometimes you just need some quiet and time to yourself. Sounds good!

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  3. I hope all mother's get a little quiet time to themselves this Mother's Day!

    As a side note, perhaps I used the it's spicy and it's alcohol excuses too much...today at lunch Carter told me they were having wine, chips and spicy dip...

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  4. A whole day to yourself? Sounds perfect.

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  5. Ahhhhh....all three of those mothers day gifts sound amazing!

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  6. See, if we could make #3 happen it would also accomplish #1! If they just left me the hell alone for one full day I'd be able to pee and have the door stay shut the entire time (bc if we are talking fantasy, a closed bathroom door will have to be involved) and if I had to poop I could do so without being asked 100 times if they could play with my iPod for "just one minute, pleeeeease." Ahhh, such nice dreams!

    And I manage to get around the "Can I have a bite?" thing by telling my kids it's gluten free, but I like the spicy idea! I could mix it up a little bit and interchange them to keep them on their toes! Thanks for the tip!

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    1. Any time you need tips on messing with your kid's heads you know where to come...

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  7. Haha, mom just needs a break sometimes, kiddos. My least favorite thing right now is when my kid toddles up and asks for a bite then spits it on the floor. Dude. I will share, but don't waste it!

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    1. That happened today...Carter wanted a bite of my cheese and I told him fine, but it's Swiss cheese. He took the bite anyway, spit it out and told GRant "Don't bite that! Swiss means yucky!"

      Thanks for reading!

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  8. A day alone sure saves money on a present and in the long run saves thousands on therapists' bills and medications like Xanax. That's the argument I tell my cheap a$$ husband every Mother's Day and it works like a charm.

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    1. I really like the therapy bill argument. I will be sure to use that one! And you can feel free to say ass here as much as you like...ass ass ass...see! =)

      Thanks for reading!!

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  9. all of those=dream come true for me!

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  10. So true! Well said! For my mother's day it's all about putting hubby to work: clean out my car and sweep the front steps... for my birthday he cleaned out the stove and the fridge. Hey, it's cheap... and no calories! (I still insisit on flowers, tho.)

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    1. Cleaning out my car is like a reward for him. He's a car guy. But he can feel free to take my car, and the kids, elsewhere for the day and clean it as much as his little heart desires!

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    1. Awesome! Share away =) Thank you!!

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  12. Hhahaha I value all these things now. Clearly, I'm not meant to have kids.

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    1. Lol! I like to think that someday I'll get these luxuries back..someday...

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  13. Right now, my youngest is sitting here aggravating me. You bet a day alone would be heaven!

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    1. We really need to change the name to )Un-Mother's Day cause what we all really want is a day off!

      Thanks for reading!

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  14. Oh yes, alone time is the perfect gift!

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    1. Seems like all moms agree! Thanks for reading! =)

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  15. I like your list, can I send this to my son? :)

    Happy Mother's Day. Hope you get your privacy.

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  16. Hahahaha! I HATE sharing my food. I don't have any kids but the husband is always wanting a bite. Unfortunately one of his bites equals four of mine.

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    1. See, I'm guilty of that with my husband. So maybe I'm getting what I deserve! But I also get stalked for food by my dogs too. Can't win!

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  17. Matthew is starting the interest in the potty now, so he wants to see everything that goes into the toilet every damn time I'm in the bathroom. I never knew about all this til I had him though... never appreciated peeing alone until more until he started walking!

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  18. Matthew is starting the interest in the potty now, so he wants to see everything that goes into the toilet every damn time I'm in the bathroom. I never knew about all this til I had him though... never appreciated peeing alone until more until he started walking!

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    1. You never know what you have till it's gone!

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  19. My husband took our kids to Florida over spring break during which I was the lucky recipient of all three of your wishes. It. Was. Awesome.

    Only took 9 and a half years!!

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    1. 9 and a half years, huh? Ok, well at least I'll have something to look forward to!

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