How I Earned Carter

“I DON’T WANT THIS SONG! Waaaaaah!  TURN IT OFF!”

I was sitting at a red light on my way home from the boys’ gym class.  My Iphone was playing “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel because, up until this moment, that was Carter’s favorite song.  Apparently his taste in music had changed somewhere in the past 2.9 seconds and I was supposed to instinctively know this.

As I sat there listening to Billy sing (because clearly I not only left it playing, I also turned up the volume to torture my child) I started thinking about motherhood and how it so far had been, and no doubt would continue to be, filled with unpleasant moments like this. 

A vision of my mother popped into my head.  It was her saying “I hope someday you have children JUST LIKE YOU.”

To clarify, she didn’t mean I was just so wonderful that she prayed to God I would be blessed with similarly amazing offspring.  No.  She basically meant…payback’s a bitch.

And it is, oh how it is!

Carter is an evil genius (think Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy”) and he absolutely refuses to use his powers for good.  Unfortunately, I know where he gets this from…

I was four years old when I pulled my first con job.  I scammed my preschool.  Like, the teachers, the kids, the director…everyone.  Here is the story:

My birthday is in early September and that meant every year I got screwed when it came to celebrating at school.  When you’re four, having your birthday at school is like being Master of the Universe.  Line leader, first turn at everything, cake and even a crown.  I wanted that crown…

I look damn good in crowns!

It was May and the school year was wrapping up.  That is when I decided to make my move.  Since it was a long time ago I don’t know how much planning went into the stunt I was about to pull.  Was it days of thinking about it or did it just come to me that morning?  We’ll never know. 

Either way, one morning I woke up and decided enough was enough with missing the birthday boat.  At the end of that day I told my teachers “Tomorrow is my birthday.”

You would think a group of adults would at least check the records to validate this information.  But no, they took the word of a four year old.  They thought, Danielle is smart, she knows when her birthday is.  So they told me to go ahead and bring something in to share with the class.  We were gonna celebrate!

My grandmother’s friend was taking me to school the next day.  On the way there I casually told her “Oh, by the way, Ginny?  I forgot I’m supposed to bring in snack today.  Could we stop for munchkins?”

She stopped.  (My God, people…you’re totally being manipulated by a toddler! You’re making this easy on me!!)

I skipped into school about to enjoy my birthday.  It was a magical day!  It was everything I had ever dreamed of…and I almost got away with it…

Unfortunately for me my family had the habit of ALWAYS being late to pick-up.  That day was no exception.  I was the LAST child to be picked up so when my Nana pulled up to the curb it was just me and the teachers sitting outside the school. 

Nana got out and started walking up the driveway to collect me.  When I tell you I ran to the car, I RAN. C’mon, if I can just get her back into the car quickly enough maaaaybe…

“Bye Danielle! Happy Birthday!”

Noooooooooo!! 

The teachers were smiling and waving goodbye, no idea of the bomb that was about to fall on them.

Nana looked puzzled and replied “Her birthday’s in September.”

Their faces fell.  What?  How can this be? She brought in munchkins for God’s sake! It MUST be her birthday.  Were we just hosed by a four year old?

Yup.  You were.  Sorry.

I’m famous at that school now.  Those teachers will never forget the time they got conned by a student.

And that, my friends, is how I earned Carter.