Monday, May 21, 2012

Three Hour Tour

“Mom can we go for a bike ride?”

Damn.  Think fast.  Think of ANY possible reason we can’t go for a bike ride.  Is it raining? I wish it were raining.  Why isn’t it raining!

In theory I would love to go for a bike ride.  He could pedal along and get some exercise.  And I would take Grant in the stroller and follow along behind.  We could explore the neighborhood and make some new memories.  We would have the best time.

The reality of the bike ride, however, is so much different.  It’s like Gilligan’s Island…you think you’re just going for a quick ride around the block, but actually you better bring a snack, cause you’re gonna be gone longer than you thought... 

First we have to get the helmet on just right.  Did you hear me? Just. Right.  Failure to properly situate the pads on the head results in our bike riding mission being sabotaged before we even look at the bike.

After I get the helmet on I have to fight with Grant.  Because my 2 year old doesn’t want to just WATCH his brother ride a bike.  He also wants to ride one.  But as he is currently incapable of this task I have to reason with (bribe) him to get in the stroller instead.  Sometimes he goes quietly, but most times he screams for half a block…so peaceful!

Next the boys fight over whether we’re turning right or left out of our driveway.  Carter usually wins this fight cause he’ll just take off in the direction he chose and we are forced to follow (he’s an ass).

Well, we’re off.

The first time we got to this point I thought we would be around the block in no time.  Then I was introduced to “scratching time”.

What is scratching time, you ask? Oh, let me tell you.

Apparently Carter’s helmet is itchy.  So he’ll ride about five feet and then slam on the brakes and yell “Scratching time!”  Then he’ll sit in the middle of the sidewalk and stick his fingers up under the helmet for a minute (a full minute) until scratching time is over. 

The fun thing about scratching time is you never know when it’s gonna come.  It’s not a regularly scheduled thing.  It can happen anywhere…like in the middle of a crosswalk, for example.  Then you have to look apologetically at the car that was dumb enough to let you cross and try to explain to them about scratching time.

The only thing worse than when he wants to ride his bike is when he wants to ride his scooter.  He scoots for 12 seconds and then tells me he’s tired.  He just can’t go on. 

Then I turn into the crazy lady screaming at her kid to move.  I get a lot of “Wow, you’re so MEAN” looks from passing cars when this happens.  Hey, pal, unless you know the joys of scratching time I don’t need your judgment right now!

Clearly at this point I have to carry the scooter…and push the stroller. 

Today Carter kept running ahead of me so it must have looked like he was by himself to some drivers.  At one point he ran to the corner of our street and loudly yelled “SCRATCHING TIME!”

He then proceeded to scratch…his balls.

So there is this three year old, still wearing his helmet, standing on a corner scratching his junk.  And no mom in sight.  It must have looked like he just escaped from a kiddie mental hospital.

Silly me! I though scratching time only involved the head.  Learn something new every day, right?


  1. Oh gosh. You know- some things sound like such a great idea in rides, playing in the back yard- but we know better. I am dreading/dying for the pool to open in the neighborhood next week. I know it will be a situation just like this. Why oh why can't you be my neighbor?

    1. Oh I so so so so wish that were the case!! =)

  2. OMG!! I almost died laughing reading this!!

    1. Glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully I can give you more near death laughing experiences in the future! =) Thanks for reading!!

  3. I am dying laughing! Scratching time! Never would have guessed that's what holds up the bike rides. BTW - you can often find me carrying my daughter's toy stroller and all the treasures she stashed it in around the neighborhood when she gets bored with pushing it. I swear never again to take it, but then I'm the fool carrying it down the block another day..
    -Dawn, merelymothers

    1. Yeah I always tell him if we take the scooter I'm NOT carrying it! I have threatened to leave it in the middle of the street before, cause I'm warm and fuzzy like that =)

  4. This is why I just say no. And probably why my 9 year old still cannot ride a bike...

    1. Haha! I'll have Grant in the carriage till he's 16!

  5. Nice. At least at that age it's funny. At around age 9 you become a bit more concerned. And then hope they don't throw the word balls in there. Gotta love boys.

  6. Love love love that I'm not alone with secretly wishing I could conjure up rain at the drop of a hat. I feel horrendously "not outdoorsy" and uncool, but would often rather bang my head against the floor than venturing out with the kiddos!

  7. OMG! That was hilarious!! While I haven't experienced scratching time (I'm sure my regret about that is unwarranted)I do know your pain with the bike riding! Despite the fact that Bud still has training wheels (he refuses to let them be removed) he still manages to fall at least 17 times as we circle the block. It's really fun (for him?)(not me).

    Great post!