Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Before I Had Kids

Before you have kids you have a lot of expectations of what life will be like after you have kids.  Mostly you think life will be the exact same except you’ll have a kid.  You’re wrong.

Before my little blessings (?) came into my life I had a few ideas of how I was going to raise my children.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I was a shithead. 

I would really like to have a conversation with my pre-kid self and straighten out a few things…here are some topics I might cover:


Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t think parenting is going to be that difficult.”

Me Now: “You are clearly unaware of the amount of wine you’re going to be drinking.”


Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t understand why people with kids are always late to things.  I feel like they just use that as an excuse.  Just start getting ready earlier.”

Me Now: “You can start getting yourself and your baby ready precisely nine hours before you need to walk out the door and the kid will wait until three seconds before that time to blow out a diaper.  Oh and also you’re gonna want to go change cause your milk is leaking through that top.  But nothing else fits you cause you just had a baby so you’re gonna need at least 15 minutes to sit down and cry about that fact before you’re ready to go.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s a newborn.  What about when they’re older?  Then you just dress them and run out the door.”

Me Now: “Let me get you acquainted with the two year old who refuses to wear pants.  You spend 20 minutes wrestling those friggin pants onto his contorted little body but the second you let go he rips them off again.  You do this several times before you say forget this shit and try to get his pants-less ass into the car anyway. But by that time he’s kicking and screaming so much that you can’t even pick him up.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s when you just tell him in a firm voice to put his pants on.”

Me Now: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  Bitch, you don’t know what’s coming!”

Listening Skills

Pre-Kid Me: “My kids are going to listen to me; they aren’t going to be allowed to argue or say no to me.”

Me Now: “My GOD you’re a douche! Why hasn’t anybody slapped you yet?”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well really, it’s not hard.  If you want them do something they’ll just do it if you’re a good parent.”

Me Now: “I can’t wait until the first time your oldest, who I have a feeling is going to be very head-strong, refuses to take a nap and all you want to do is watch last night’s Law & Order SVU on your DVR.  And you tell him over and over to stay in his bed but he says no and keeps getting up and not listening to you.  And then you cry and call your mother.”


Pre-Kid Me: “My kids will never eat cookies for breakfast!”

Me Now: “Ah, yeah they will.”

Giving In

Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to give in to my kids just because it’s easier.”

Me Now: “Yeah ok fine, you’re not gonna give in every time, sometimes you’ll stand your ground and make your point.  But sometimes it’s the end of a long day and you don’t really give a crap if they want to make a fort out of your couch cushions and then eat a whole box of Cheeze-its under there 20 minutes before dinner.”

Pre-Kid Me: “No, that’s not going to happen.”

Me Now: “Woman! Do you think I made that story up?”


Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to be one of those crazy frazzled moms you see who scream at their wild misbehaving children.”

Me Now: “Actually, you’re gonna be the Poster Mom for that.”

Pre-Kid Me: “No, I’m not going to have to scream to get my kids to stop doing something.  I’ll just get down on their level and explain why we don’t do that.”

Me Now: “I seriously feel you are ill-prepared for this line of work.”

Temper Tantrums

Pre-Kid Me: “I will never go out of my way to avoid my child throwing a tantrum. If my kids throw a tantrum I’ll simply ignore it until they calm down.”

Me Now: “On May 29, 2013 you will be driving your kids home from school and they will both want to go a different way home.  Knowing that whichever way you pick you are inevitably screwed, you decide to drive down the street with the Buick Skylark first and then loop around and drive down the street with the two hills before continuing on your way home.  You will do this just to keep everyone happy. You will then enjoy lunchtime in peace instead of having to listen to relentless screaming.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Oh my GOD! I will never ever do that!”

Me Now: “Just happened.  Fact.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Shit.”

Me Now: “Right? I know.”

Pre-Kid Me: “What the hell happened to me?”

Me Now: “Honey, you had kids…”

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Tigger's New Digs

This morning Carter excitedly ran into the bathroom while I was peeing.  As a mom of two I’m used to being interrupted in there to be told important stuff like a car was thrown at someone’s head, a favorite blanket was lost, someone sneezed last week, the wind is blowing, etc. etc.

But today? Today brought some BIG news. Little Tigger found a new house! 

(For those of you who aren’t aware, Carter has a very special collection of Tigger stuffed animals.  They have creative and exotic names like Big Tigger, Medium Tigger, Little Tigger and Teensy Tigger.)

Anyway, today Little Tigger had apparently found the perfect place to live.  I had no idea he was even house hunting but good for him for finding something in this market!  The house was SO perfect, in fact, Carter was insisting that he wanted to bring it in for show and tell.  He wanted his teachers and all his friends to see Little Tigger’s new digs.

“Can I, Mom?  Can I bring in Little Tigger’s new house to show everyone at school?”

“Um, I guess so.  Where is it?  I want to see the new house.”

Here it is:


Wow, ok.  You wanna bring an empty tequila box into school with you?  That seems completely and totally appropriate.  Why don’t you just then go ahead and tell everyone that Mommy drank the tequila on the way to drop you off?  That’ll be swell!

He’s more excited about this tequila box than…I don’t know…something else he’s been really excited about.  A new bike? His birthday?  Ice cream?  He’s so damn proud of himself for coming up with this fantastic idea.

He’s been playing with Tigger’s new house all morning.  The really super cool thing about it is it has different rooms:


I can only assume this must be the bathroom?  Looks like Little Tigger's not getting any privacy in there either.

Here’s Tigger playing outside of the house.  Maybe he’s gardening.  Maybe he’s growing some delicious limes to accompany his margaritas.

He looks really happy and content here. 
(This is basically the face I made when I got the box too.)
Another great thing about this house is it nice and cozy for the one Tigger yet also has plenty of room if you want to have some friends over.  Ya know, to hang out and do shots or something.
That rabbit looks like maybe he's had enough. 
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is not how the makers of 1800 intended their fancy box to be used. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Top Ten Ways You Know it's Gonna be a Long Day

Some days fly by and you do fun things and your kids enjoy themselves and you enjoy them and it’s all one big ray of sunshine.

This is not one of those days.

Here’s a list of ways you can tell it’s gonna be one hell of a long ass day:

10.  It’s not a school day.

9.  You had to get up and out of bed but your dog got to sleep in and as you’re watching him lay there tucked into your covers you just know he’s secretly saying “Sucker!” under his breath to you.

8.  Everyone wants a yellow spoon with breakfast and you only have one yellow spoon and absolutely NO other color except for YELLOW will do for ANYONE. 

7.  Yesterday was 80 and sunny and your sister brought over an awesome kiddie pool and everyone had so much fun and it was great. Today it’s 65 and overcast and no one understands that means no kiddie pool and if you don’t let them go in the kiddie pool you are the MEANEST MOMMY EVER!

6.  Your internet is spotty and that means Netflix isn’t working and if Netflix isn’t working that means no “Rescue Bots” and if they can’t watch “Rescue Bots” their heads are going to LITERALLY EXPLODE.

5.  Your 4 year old wants to play puzzles with you but he doesn’t like it when the pieces don’t fit where he thinks they should so he needs your help which basically means he sits there and watches as you get more and more frustrated because they don’t fit where you think they should either and also you HATE DOING PUZZLES!

4.  It’s 10 am and they have already asked for lunch…twice.

3.  Someone is pooping in the upstairs bathroom while someone else is simultaneously pooping in the downstairs bathroom and they both want you to wipe them but they both want you to wipe them first.  So you’re standing in your kitchen like Sophie’s Choice wondering who is gonna throw the bigger temper tantrum if you wipe their ass second and then you go “Wait…this is my life?”

2.  Your 3 year old is pretending to be Baby Cat and will only communicate with you through mewing and he wants something so badly but refuses to use English and you don’t speak Mew and WHAT THE F*@K DO YOU WANT KID!!

1.  You see the mailman bringing your mail and you go out to grab it from him and he gives you a strange look and you wonder why but then you realize you were just playing “Birthday Party” with your kids and you greeted him looking like this:
So, yeah, that's how I know.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Dear Mom: Sorry

It's Mother's Day Weekend!

What a perfect time for my family to show how much they appreciate me for putting up with all the crap they put me through on a daily basis.  Come to think of it, it might not be such a bad idea if they could apologize for a few of those things while they're at it. 

That's what they should get me as a gift. A card that simply says "Dear Mom, Sorry for..."

 Here's a list of things they could start with:

1. Sorry for telling my teachers you don't feed me lunch.

2. Sorry for being bad at finger painting.

3. Sorry I've probably permanently damaged your liver.

4. Sorry I made a list of people I love and you weren't on it...but fire trucks were.

5. Sorry I think you look like this...

6.  Sorry I ever ACTUALLY made you look like this...

7. Sorry I sometimes don't like wearing shirts...

Or pants...

8. Sorry I told the car salesman that the cup holders in the new car would be perfect for your wine.

9. Sorry I made you go see The Wiggles live in concert.

10. Sorry I totally F'd up your boobs.

So it's just a short list but it's a start.  I'm sure there are lots and lots of other things I could add but if I got a card like this my response would probably be:

"Aw! That's so nice!  Thank you for apologizing, kids.  And in return...I'm sorry I use your plates to salt my margarita glasses."

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Purple vs. Yellow (My Abercrombie Rant)

A purple person walks into a store:

“Hi, my friend has these amazing pair of jeans and she said she got them here.  But I don’t see the purple person section.  Could you help me?”

“You don’t see a purple person section because we don’t sell clothes for purple people.”

“Oh, that’s weird.  Ok.  Well…can I ask why not?”

“Isn’t it obvious?  Purple people are not cool.  Only yellow people are cool.”

“Says who?”

“Everyone. Only yellow people can be popular and have friends.”

“Well I’m clearly purple and I’m actually very popular at my school.  I have lots of friends…I have a lot of yellow friends too.”

“That can’t be.  Look around you.  See all the pictures of yellow people having fun and being beautiful?  Clearly they are the cool, popular kids.  You are way too purple to be cool.”

“Well I’m a nice person, a good friend.  I have a great sense of humor and I love to do all the fun, cool things that the yellow kids do.”

“I can’t believe yellow people hang out with you.  Don’t worry, soon all the yellow kids will get the message that they should only be hanging out with other yellow kids.  We’ll make sure of that.  Then the purple kids can go back to hating themselves and feeling badly about the way they look.”

“I don’t think you’re very nice.”

“I don’t care.  Just look how yellow I am…how beautiful I am.  You should try doing something about how purple you are.  There are ways you can try to be more yellow, you know.”

“It would take something really drastic to make me more yellow.  It might be dangerous and unsafe.”

“So?  You’d be yellow at the end of it.  That’s the goal right?”

Ok, do you get the picture yet?  This post is clearly about the gigantic dickhead CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch.  He’s been quoted as saying things such as:

“That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that,”


 “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told the site. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely."

Ok, so you don’t want to sell above a size 10 in women’s clothes.  Fine.  It’s your business, do what you want.  There are plenty of specialty stores out that that cater to a certain clientele.  And that’s not wrong.  That’s not what I take issue with.

I take issue with the reasoning.  The idea that a young girl cannot possibly be cool, popular and attractive if they wear a larger size. 

Being beautiful has NOTHING TO DO WITH SIZE!

I can’t shop in the tall section of any store.  But that’s because I’m not tall, not because I’m not cool.

This guy’s quotes make me angry.  They make me incensed.  They make me want to throw something…preferably at his face.  Who the hell are you to tell society what is beautiful and cool?  Who the hell are you to look at a teenage girl who is already desperate to fit in and tell her that she can’t, she simply CAN NOT, because she wears a size 12. 

What about the athletic girl who has muscles and an actual shape to her body? (Holla to all my fellow ex gymnasts who rock the strong quads and broad shoulders!) If you’re anything other than a stick figure you have no place in society?  This is the message we’re sending our children?

And it’s not just girls…guys are affected by the idea that they have to ultra-muscular and fit to be attractive.  I don’t want  boys obsessed with bulking up any more than I want girls obsessed with being thin.

Your natural body shape and size is out of your control.  What IS in your control is how you treat your body.  Be healthy, young people.  There are some natural size 16s who eat well, exercise and take care of their bodies…and will never be any smaller due to genetics.  There are also some natural size zeros who will always be thin.  And that’s great.  Rock your body!

Take the emphasis off looks and put it where it belongs…on being healthy and happy in the skin you’re in.

You, Mr. Asshole Fuck Face CEO, are what’s wrong with this country.  You are gross.  You are a predator…you are preying on the weaknesses and insecurities of an already unbelievably emotionally fragile population. 

We as a society cannot stand for this.  We as parents can tell our children how gorgeous they are, how beautiful of a person they are, till we are blue in the face.  But it only takes one store, one ad in a magazine, one TV program, to show them otherwise.  Are we stronger than people like Mike Jeffries?  Can we stand up to him and say enough is enough?  I hope so.  I truly hope so.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A Message to My Fellow Moms

I have a favor to ask. 

Can we as mothers please all agree to stop being douchebags to each other?

It’s just getting out of control.  And the thing is I don’t even think most of us mean to do it.  It’s just something that happens to you once you have kids. 

You go fucking crazy. 

And you forget that as hard as your job is, it is made even harder by the criticism and doucebaggery of other moms.  You feel constantly under attack and a lot of times that makes you want to attack others.  You want to scream “See?  See what she’s doing over there?  That’s wrong.  I’m right.  I have to be doing an ok job because at least I’m not doing THAT THING that the mother over there is doing!”
Moms are constantly trying to one up each other.

And then before you know it you’re at the park and you’re rolling your eyes to your friend because another little boy cut your son on the slide or threw sand.  And you would NEVER allow YOUR child to act like that.  I bet that mom actually TOLD her son to go to the park and act like ass and embarrass her. God! Some parents these days!
Oh I’m sorry eye rolling jerk-face…tell me, what’s it like to have the perfect child?  Keep your damn eye roll to yourself. (Can you tell who the mother of the slide cutting, sand thrower is in this scenario?)

But I know for a fact I’ve also been on the other side of this…I’ve been the one making the faces.

Maybe that mom is already having a rough day.  Maybe she’s already questioning her own parenting skills because don’t we all do that from time to time?  Maybe the last thing in the world she needs right now is judgment. 

It seems like everyone is so quick to point out when other kids are being bad.  And judge the mom in the process.  Know why we often notice the less than stellar behavior of other people’s kids?  Because it makes us feel better about our own misbehaving offspring!

At least that’s why I do it. 

I so enjoy when I see other kids being bastards.  It’s validation that they are just all like that sometimes.  Next time I see a child having a tantrum out in public I’m gonna go give that mom a big high five and ask her if she wants to go out for margaritas. 

Here’s another thing I’m going to stop doing: Telling other mothers what they’re in for.

I’ve had a few friends of mine post lately about the terrible twos.  And guess what my first instinct is?  I want to write “Oh don’t worry…3 is worse.”

In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve actually written that a time or two.

What a douche huh?

People write that all the time on “terrible two” status updates.  People used to say that to me constantly when I would complain about my then two year olds.

And for what purpose?  To suck the poor mother dry of any hope that there will come a day when the word no or the wrong color spoon won’t send her child into meltdown mode?  Thanks for brightening my day with the knowledge that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

We should just write: Well, I hope you didn’t want to ever enjoy your child because once THIS phase is over the NEXT phase is even worse.  Wait till three, at three they are smarter and even MORE strong willed and your life will be harder …until four that is.  Then your life is basically over because FOUR extra super SUCKS!

I have no knowledge of five so I’m assuming it’s just a walk in the park…and I’m going to bitch slap anyone who tells me otherwise…

Another annoying thing we do as mothers is give unsolicited advice. 

If someone asks you: “Gee, what did you use for a sleep training method?  I need some help!” then by all means go to town!

But if someone simply says: “MY GOD! If I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon I’m going to kill someone!” then that person just wants to vent.

We need to start recognizing the difference between a mom looking for feedback and a mom simply bitching.  The correct response in the second scenario is: “I know, right? This parenting shit is hard!”

We need to stop assuming that whatever worked for our child will work for all the children in all the land.  We need to stop assuming that everyone wants to hear our methods.  Some people do.  Most don’t.  Cause it’s just annoying to have to listen to someone tell you what you’re doing wrong and how to fix it if all you really want them to do is listen to you and maybe refill your wine glass every once in a while. 

So what do you say?  Can we all band together as a united mom front and start supporting each other more? Stop the judging, stop the preaching.

 Because in the end we’re all on the same team fighting against a common enemy…our children.