-Don’t bite off more than you can chew…this is a good one. Listen to this because then I won't have to give you the Heimlich in the middle of a restaurant because you jammed 57 pieces of pizza crust into your mouth at once.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
You Know What They Say...
Proverbs: those old sayings that we’ve all heard a million times.
You probably use some proverbs on a pretty regular basis. I know I do. And that’s why I got to thinking…who the hell came up with some of these?
Not parents. That I'm pretty sure of.
Parents, for example, would never say something as idiotic as “Silence is golden.” Because people with kids know that silence is the single most terrifying sound in the universe.
So I’ve taken the liberty of going through some proverbs, rewriting some, debunking some…I think it’s time us moms and dads put these old sayings in their place.
This is how these familiar words would read if I got my way. It’s the ‘Things Carter Says’ version of the classics:
-If it ain’t broke…my kids have probably just not gotten to it yet. Give them a second…
-People who live in glass houses…shouldn’t have kids.
-Actions speak louder than words…unless you accidentally cut a sandwich in fours when someone only wanted twos. Then words speak PRETTY DAMN LOUDLY!
-Find a penny, pick it up…out of your kid’s diaper…cause apparently he ate a penny.
-Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater…unless the baby is being a little shit, then do it to teach him a lesson. But, I mean, you’ll probably have to go get him afterwards. Which is actually more work for you. Ok FINE! Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
-Haste makes waste… untrue. Haste makes sure you get to eat the whole cookie by yourself without getting caught.
-You snooze you lose…no parent in their right mind would ever use this saying. I would like to permanently erase this saying from existence and replace it with something along the lines of “You snooze and Mommy won’t have to sell you on the black market.” Something like that...
-Practice makes perfect…that’s why my kids are AMAZING at being asshole. They get TONS of practice!
-Rules were made to be broken…WTF! If this is true why do I waste my breath making up rules like “We don’t lick ketchup off the floor” and “Don’t drink the toothpaste”? I hope Carter never catches wind of this saying…cause then I’ll find it tattooed on his bicep.
-Time flies when you’re having fun…which is why the two hours between dinner and bed time are the l o n g e s t parenting hours in the whole universe.
Now, although I found many proverbs that made me question the sanity of the people who first said them I also found a few that I think are spot on:
-Murphy’s Law - Whatever can go wrong will go wrong…correct.
-Idle hands are the devil’s playthings…and the devil has a shitload of fun in my house!
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder…hell yes it does! See ya, kiddos! I will love you way, way more after I get a break from you...
-If you want it done right do it yourself…cause if you let your toddler do it, it will take approximately 9,000 times as long.
-It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission…your mom will not give you permission to smear hand soap all over the bathroom sink, but you’ll probably escape with a time out and an explanation of why that was an absolutely moronic thing to do.
-The squeaky wheel gets the grease…the child screaming the loudest always get the first lollipop I am able to unwrap. Fact.
-It takes two to tango…ever have one child sitting around screaming and throwing blocks at himself?
-Misery loves company…this is why you’re all here, isn’t it? To commiserate with me and share stories bout our life-sucking children? Welcome, friends, you’re in good company!