Wednesday, March 9, 2011


What's with Lent?

You're supposed to sacrifice because Jesus got tortured, nailed to a cross and suffered for days.

Yeah, that's equivalent to you giving up a cheeseburger once a week. Same thing.

And why do kids get to make out like bandits during this whole thing?

"Um, kids? In order to practice our religion and teach you the ways of the Lord, we have to FORCE you to eat pizza once a week for a month. Sorry 'bout that. Rules are rules!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm Catholic. But I belong to a special branch of the Catholic Church called "C&E Catholics"...which stands for Christmas and Easter...which are the times I go to mass. Basically I observe the holidays where you get something in return. No one has ever given me anything for All Saints Day.

Then there is the question of what to give up for Lent. I already go to the gym, I don't smoke, we don't go out to eat a lot....

I would give up coffee, chocolate or alcohol...but then I'd also have to give up all human contact cause I'd be f'ing miserable to be around.

I tried to give up Carter, but it's supposed to be something that would be a hardship to go without. So there goes that.

I'm going to hell. But we already knew that.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Food Fight

Wouldn't it be nice and tidy if you could just say to a baby "This is how we eat. With a utensil, not with our hands. You don't need to throw the food in order for it to be delicious. You don't really even need to rub it all over your cheeks before you get it in your mouth. You can just eat...oh...and then here's a wet nap. Clean yourself up."

And the kid would take it all in and then apply his new knowledge during meals. The world, and my kitchen especially, would be a better place to live!

I don't really do mess all that well, which is why I sometimes avoid feeding my kids certain foods. My fear of the unclean became a nightmare around the time the doctor insisted I start to let Carter feed himself.

Are you kidding me?

In his chunky little hand a spoon will become a weapon of mass destruction. He insited that if I didn't let him try then I would end up having to spoon feed my 18 year old some day. And did I want that?

Um, can I think I about it for a minute? I need to make a list of pros and cons...

The first time I let him self-feed I literally sat next to him with a roll of paper towels. I wiped his mouth, and then his hands when he stuck those in there, in between bites. It was awful and I hated it.

I eventually lightened up and he got better at I started giving him a spoon for each hand so he didn't have a spare hand to stick in the yogurt bowl. Pretty genius if you ask me.

Now my biggest food issue with him involves peanut butter. I hate it. He loves it. Naturally he would gravitate towards foods that annoy me, it is Carter after all.

The sandwich itself isn't the problem..its the fact that he MUST open up the bread and actually TOUCH the peanut butter inside. Guess how I feel about that?

He then leaves his gross little fingerprints everywhere. I found out early that the baby didn't have a nut allergy. I knew this because he had no reaction the day I found a peanut butter handprint across his face...

And then there's the hair. What is it about certain foods that makes kids want to rub it on their head? Does anyone else's kid do this? If not, don't tell me. Let me enjoy the illusion that my children are normal for a little while longer.

After going through the self-feeding stage with Carter, I had a few tricks up my sleeve for Grant.

The first time Grant had watermelon I stripped him down to his diaper, placed him in his Bumbo chair and put that chair right into the sink. He ate his gross, drippy fruit with the juice running everywhere and he loved it. Then when he was done, I simply took out the sprayer attached to the sink and hosed him down. It was like a mini car wash.

If Carter could still fit in the sink that would solve a lot of my problems.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Is it spring yet?

This winter has been unbearable.

It's unnatural to live without sunlight or warmth for this long. I would go indoor tanning but I don't want skin cancer. Well, actually, I supposed worrying about skin cancer might be better than worrying about being arrested because I attacked the cheerful cashier at Starbucks who told me to have a nice day. (Cause what the hell is she so chipper for anyway? She must be some sort of alien life form.)

I know that everyone feels this way. Everyone is miserable and has been stuck inside for too long. But just think, it could be worse. You could have been stuck inside with Carter. Consider yourselves lucky.

Every normal kid gets cabin fever if they are in one place for too long. They tend to go stir crazy. But Carter doesn't get stir crazy...he gets creative.

For example, one morning I noticed that the upstairs toilet wasn't flushing correctly. I mentioned this to my husband and watched his face grow concerned. Turns out Carter had just walked up to him and exclaimed "Daddy, we don't flush Eeyore down the potty."

We still haven't found Eeyore...

He has exhausted every normal use for his toys and is now forced to find unconventional ways play with them.  It's kind of resourceful actually.  He invented a game where he puts plastic food in his mouth and sees how far he can spit them across the room.  One day he set up a bucket for himself as a target.  I guess he needed more of a challenge. 

He's also become a climber.

He tears down the gate and climbs the stairs...where he immediately goes to work finding an activity that he thinks will annoy me. Some days he'll throw everything we own into his brother's crib. Toys, clothes, games, chairs (yes I said chairs)...really, whatever he can get his mitts on. Grant doesn't have to be in there in order to make this game fun, but if that's the case then it's an added bonus.

One day he climbed into the excersaucer and couldn't get out. He was crying, telling me that he was stuck and asking me to help him. So I did. Oh, but not before I left him in there for a few minutes as a lesson. And I videotaped it...and posted it on facebook...

Some day we'll all laugh about our therapist's office.

To pass the time, we've been reading a lot of books. We have one called "No David!" which is basically a story about all the fresh things this little boy does. Complete with pictures.  I absolutely hate this book.

It probably gives most kids a sense of what is considered bad behavior. But I think it just gives Carter ideas..."Rip off all my clothes and go running around outside? How could I have never thought of that before! Number one on my 'To Do' list...."

I'm going to sacrifice the first person I hear complain about the heat this summer.