Thursday, February 20, 2014

Things Moms Say

I think one of the main parts of a Mom’s job is to be a good liar.  You need to be able to keep a straight face while saying things like “Yes! You ARE very good at breakdancing!” or “Of COURSE I like reading the same book 17 times in a row!” 

There are many times throughout the day when I find myself saying something I don’t really mean just to survive…too many to count actually.  I’ve come up with a few examples.  Here is a list of some things that moms say and the translation to what moms really mean:

Mom says: “I’m not going to say it again!”

Mom means: I’m going to say it exactly 57 more times.


Mom says: “I’ve had it with all the yelling.”

Mom means: I’m going to add my own yelling into the mix in an attempt to solve the problem.


Mom says: “Sorry, that shirt is in the laundry.”

Mom means: I threw that stained piece of crap out and I’m going to just keep telling you it’s in the laundry until you forget it exists.


Mom says: “I’m not your maid.”

Mom means: I’m going to insist that I’m not your maid while picking up after you because I can’t stand the mess…thus proving that the opposite of this statement is true.

Mom says: "It's ok, you don't have to finish that mac and cheese. You're probably full."

Mom means: I got my eye on those last few bites.


Mom says: “Why don’t you go ahead and explain to me what’s happening in this beautiful picture!”

Mom means:  I have no god damn clue what that’s supposed to be a picture of.


Mom says: “I’m throwing away any toys that are left out on the floor!”

Mom means: I’m going to pack them up in a trash bag to scare you but probably not actually toss them because I paid good money for those F’ing things!


Mom says: “You’re big enough to get dressed yourself and I’m not helping you.”

Mom means: I’m going to keep up the charade that I’m not going to help you until I realize we actually do have to be somewhere and have exactly five minutes left before we have to leave the house.


Mom says: “That’s it! I’m gonna…”

Mom means: I’m about to come up with some outrageous punishment that I cannot possibly follow through with…


Mom says: “Can you guys go into the playroom and find me five of the coolest cars we have?”

Mom means: I’m sneaking cookies and I don’t want you bastards to catch me.


Mom says: “Sorry that toy with the loud siren is broken.”

Mom means: I took the batteries out.


Mom says: “Sorry, I forgot the iPod!”

Mom means: I don’t want to listen to your shitty music right now.


 Mom says: “Mommy just needs a little break.”

Mom means: Can someone bring me a corkscrew?


Mom says: “You people are driving me crazy!”

Mom means: You people are driving me crazy!

Huh…so I guess they aren’t all lies after all.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Are You Ready for Kids?

Some people just know when they are ready to become a parent.  Others have doubts. 

It’s normal to have doubts.  My kids are 4 and 5 and I’m STILL not really sure that I’m ready to be a mom.  I guess I’ll figure it out eventually right?

Well, anyway, if you are toying with the idea of having offspring of your own I’m here to help. I’ve made you a checklist.  Here are some ways you can tell if you’re ready to handle all that parenthood has to offer.  If many of these apply to you it may be time to have a kid:

1. You like talking and being completely ignored by the people you are speaking to.

2. You never wanted to own nice things anyway.

3. You consider it a compliment when people say “Wow, you look tired.”

4. Related to #3…you feel sleep is way overrated and have been meaning to cut back on the hours you spend doing it.

5. You like preparing food and then watching it go to waste because it’s cut in the wrong shape.

6. You have absolutely no interest in keeping up with current events. You’d much rather know what’s happening with some weirdo mice and a pants-less duck. 

7. You feel like your house is way too quiet and clean.

8. You’re sick of being alone in the bathroom.

9. It doesn’t matter to you if you get to chew and actually taste your food.

10. You could take or leave wearing clothes without stains on them.

11. You are the least spontaneous person you know and having to plan a trip to the grocery store to pick up milk five hours in advance doesn’t bother you at all. 

12. You never liked your disposable income anyway. 

13. You love the word “why” and you can’t get enough of hearing sentences that begin with it.

14. Being judged by strangers for every move you make is your idea of a good time.

15. You hate it when you have to say things just once and would much rather repeat the same sentence 100 times before anyone pays attention to you.

16. You think there are only two food groups: Coffee and wine.

17. You feel like you really don’t yell enough and you’d like more opportunities to do so.

18. You don't think having to say things like "Why is there peanut butter on the dog?" is weird at all.

19. You have been desperately searching for a way to get rid of your personal space.

20. You’ve been feeling pretty sane lately and it’s a drag.  You’d much rather feel like you are a psycho lunatic whose life is slowly spinning out of control.

So, are you ready?  Do you meet all of the qualifications on the list?  If so you should probably procreate immediately and join the rest of us! (I mean, if that last one doesn’t totally sell it then I don’t know what’s wrong with you!)

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I Don't Care! I Vacuumed!

Legos are taking over my house.

No, like, in all seriousness I'm going to have to build an addition onto my home in order to house all of our Legos.  Actually, I could build it out of Legos, put Legos inside it and still have enough Legos left over to build an f'ing life sized fire truck.

In other words, we have a lot of Legos.

This morning I needed to vacuum the playroom.  But this task is impossible to do without causing some Lego casualties.  There's always the one that blends into the rug that you miss...stupid bastard! My kids know exactly what sound a Lego being sucked into the vacuum makes. And they going absolutely insane when they hear it. 

Today, however, they were both at school.  So here's a question for you: If you suck a Lego up into your vacuum and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?

Regardless, as I was picking up stupid little pieces of overpriced plastic I composed a little ditty to express my feelings about it. 

It's to the tune of  "I Love It (I Don't Care)" by Icona Pop.

I Vacuumed (I Don't Care) by Things Carter Says:

I vacuumed Legos off the playroom floor while you were gone.
You left for school that was my chance, I knew I had to run.

I got the vacuum out and started sucking up your things.
I think you needed that one piece...

But I don't care! I vacuumed! I don't care!

I'm sick of seeing those things every single place I look.
I stepped on one, it really hurt! I nearly broke my foot.

You need to find a better place for them next time you play.
Or I will throw them all away...

I don't care! I vacuumed! I don't care!

You left your Legos out.  I sucked them off the floor.

I know you're gonna scream and ask me to buy more.

But that's just too damn bad, next time pick up your shit!

I know you hate me now, your mom is such a bitch!


(Now imagine me dancing around with a vacuum and singing this...there I go using the attachments as a microphone...)

Hope you enjoyed it.  And feel free to sing it the next time you ruin your kid's lives by messing with their toys!