Friday, March 1, 2013

Prove You're Not a Robot

It recently came to my attention that my blog had a spam filter for the comment section.  My darling friend Lily (that’s a sarcastic darling, you’ll see why in a minute) suggested that I remove it.  She said it would make it easier for people, like herself, to leave a comment (see, it was partially selfishly motivated). 

I had no idea what that was, how I put it in place or how I could remove it but I was going to try.  I’m here for you guys and I’m willing to do anything to make your lives easier (plus, I like getting comments, so this was partially selfishly motivated as well).

Turns out I had one of those “Please prove you’re not a robot by copying the follow words that don’t make any sense and you can’t even read clearly” things set up to prevent spammy comments.

I didn’t intentionally have this setting and I didn’t see any real need for it so I clicked the ‘off’ button and it was removed.

And as soon as it was removed I immediately saw the need for it. 

I began getting ridiculous nonsense comments on my posts about everything from video games to Viagra.  The first thing I did of course was email Lily and harass her life about this.  Thanks for the suggestion, Lil…do you need any information on adult onset acne? Because I suddenly find myself full of good tips!

My first instinct was to delete them, but then I thought “Hey, some computer program went through a lot of trouble posting these comments. I should do something with them…”

So here you are, a list encompassing some of my very favorite comments from Mr. Spammy McSpam-a-lot:

Comment: “Kudos! Take a look at my blog post Spiele Spielen”

Kudos right back to you for coming up with such a great name for your blog post!  I have always wanted to know more about spiele spielen and, thanks to you, I’ll finally get that chance. 

Now, I’m not sure I’m 100% familiar with the topic, but I’m assuming it has something to do with Santa Clause since that’s the post you commented on.  Either way, I’m so glad you found my blog and took the time to comment. 

Comment: “Your mode of describing the whole thing in this piece of writing is genuinely pleasant all be capable of without difficulty know it, Thanks a lot.”

Well, that started off sounding like it was gonna be a compliment to my writing skills, but I guess you either got side tracked or had a stroke or something at the end there…you lost me at ‘be capable of without difficulty know it…

Comment: “Cannabis use during pregnancy can lead to fetal impairment.”

Ok, I get it, my kid isn’t well behaved…but I SWEAR I did NOT use cannabis during my pregnancy.  And I’m kind of offended by the implication.  Screw you, Anonymous, you and I are in a fight.

Comment:  “Τhe fact that Toyοta choѕe to upgrаde the eхteгior styling, іntеrior quality and intеrior гоominеsѕ of the гedesіgned 2012 Υаriѕ hatchbaсκ rather than upgгading the powеrtrain sаys a lot аbout hοw Тοyotа ѵіewѕ the nеeds of smаll car buyers.”

That’s very interesting.  I’m glad you brought this to my attention.  All suburban moms with two kids are in the market for a Yaris.  Clearly my story about the time Grant got angry indicated my need for a car the size of a roller skate. 

Comment: "Worse there are very few drugs which can kill these creatures.  Buy one now from the leading vaporizer stores."

Holy shit! What are these creatures you speak of?  And I have to vaporize them?  Do I need to call Ghostbusters in for this or is it something I can go alone?  I am going to hustle my ass down to my local leading vaporizer store RIGHT NOW! Thank you so much for the warning.

Comment: “Visit my blog post ‘Istanbul Escorts’.”

Hmmm, if I Google “Constantinople Escorts” will it bring me to the same page?  Because, you know, Istanbul WAS Constantinople.  Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople…

Regardless, I hope their escorts don’t suck cause I’m gonna be really pissed off if I get a second class hooker as a result of all this. 

Comment:  “Ein weiterer Inhaltstoff ist nach wissenschaftlichen Arbeitsverfahren das 100% natürliche” -Garcinia Cambogia

Ummm…WTF is this? 

I know this has to be spam because: a) I don’t speak German and b) there’s a nasty rumor going around that Garcinia Cambogia is a fraud.  You can trust that bitch at all. 

Ok, folks, there you have it; this is a small sampling of the kind of stuff I’ve been reading through since I turned off my spam filter.  You people better appreciate the right to comment freely, and use it…often…Lily’s life depends on it.


  1. hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! And just so we are clear, my motives were not "partially" selfish, they were ENTIRELY selfish! I just wanted to clear that up.

    Also, for anyone reading these comments I'd like to direct them to your Santa post (Top Ten Reasons I Hate Santa up at the top of this page) because my most favorite spam comment was about printer cartridges and appreciating your spouse. Clearly these two things are related!

    In other news, I'm glad you survived the nosebleeds and it's a good thing they won because I don't know if climbing to the nose bleeds whilst wearing a boot would have been worth it if they lost!

  2. I had to put the comment robot dealy to work on purpose. And I had to stop swearing, because when you use swear words and mention sex (as in male or female, not the nookie kind) and are writing about living in a zoo you get some seriously nasty comments...

    1. This comment made me crack up!! I think you should write a post like this!!

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  4. Hahaha. Awesome and witty as usual!

  5. kunjungan silaturahmi gan...
    semoga tambah sukses...
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  6. LOL...I share some of these same experiences. Right now my comments queue is loaded to the tune of well over 15,000 comments--and no, I'm not exaggerating. I haven't even felt like doing all that deleting (it's in WordPress). Such is life. I admire the persistence of the spammers. They're a hard bunch to discourage.

    Let us continue to soldier on.

    -- SteadyPhil the cheap deals dude