Thursday, March 21, 2013

Top Ten Stupid Things I Do

People in general do a lot of stupid things.  When you become a parent the amount of stupid things you do quadruples so that you can no longer keep track of them. 

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of doing something and I’ll think “Well this is stupid…” and ya know what?  I’ll just keep right on doing it.  It’s a sickness I have. 

Now, let’s be honest…I do WAY more than 10 stupid things.  But I’d never leave my computer if I were to compile a complete list, so here is a shortened version of my stupidity. 

Top ten stupid things I do:

#10: Cleaning the kitchen before lunch.

This is a very, very stupid thing to do, don’t you agree? 

Every morning when I come downstairs I immediately go on a kitchen cleaning frenzy. Last night’s dinner dishes are in the sink, there are crumbs everywhere, there are 17 matchbox cars having a party on my counter (why the f*ck are there 17 matchbox cars having a party on my counter?)

So I get the kitchen nice and spotless and then…lunchtime.  Know what my kids eat for lunch every day?  Sandwiches.  On stupid crumbly bread.  And they spill shit.  All the time.  And they smear peanut butter on everything they touch. 

My kitchen at 12:30 looks exactly like my kitchen looked at 7:30 before I cleaned.  So I clean it again.  Stupid.  So stupid. 

#9: Listening to the 90s station while the kids are in the car.

I didn’t think the kids paid any attention to what I have on the radio while driving.  They do. 

The other day I was jamming to some awesome old school 90s tunes when Carter suddenly said “Mom, I really like this song.”

It was The Humpty Dance.

Oh super!  I can’t wait for you to go into school and tell all your friends you once got busy in a Burger King bathroom or ever so politely ask your teacher to step off cause you’re doin’ the hump.

I need to be vigilant while listening to that station before my kids are exposed to “You’re horny, let’s do it, ride it, my pony” or “Do me, baby.”

#8: Cleaning before a play date.

I promise you not all of these have to do with cleaning.  But cleaning is the ultimate stupid thing you can do while kids are in your house so obviously it’s bound to come up a few times.

I don’t know why I insist on picking up and vacuuming before people with kids come over.  Do I want them to think I have my life together and my home organized?  Do I think people will actually buy that bullshit story?  Not a chance. 

At the end of the day I tend to doubt other parents will notice which crumbs were on my rug before they got there and which ones are there as a result of the shit storm our kids just brought down upon my playroom. 

#7: Buying shoes with laces.

Why the frig do I do this? 

Do I think I need more practice tying? Because me perfecting my bunny ears is the only thing that can possibly result from my buying tie shoes for a three year old. 

Velcro, Danielle, it’s all about the Velcro.  Don’t be stupid.

#6: Saying “I’m exhausted”.

I think I say this every time I step foot inside the kid’s school. 

Pick-up time there is stressful and crazy.  At the end of going to two classrooms, getting on two coats, hats and pairs of mittens, packing up two backpacks and trying to wrangle together two jerks who just want to run around and be jerks I am so, so exhausted. 

When I see the teachers on the way out my face looks like I just wrestled a wild alligator and lost…make that two wild alligators actually.  At that point I feel the only appropriate thing to do is smile and say “I’m exhausted!”   I think it’s better than looking at them and yelling “OH MY FUCKING GOD!” which is what I actually want to do.

Saying those words is stupid…they can see my kids, they know I’m exhausted.  It’s just stating the obvious and they are probably sick of hearing it.  I don’t have to say it every single day…but I’m probably still gonna.

#5: Stressing over getting the perfect picture.

Someday I’m going to get a picture of my kids where everyone is looking and smiling and no one is making a stupid face or has their eyes half shut.  And after that happens I’m going to hop on my magical flying unicorn and head home to my golden palace on Mars.

I make myself absolutely crazy right before the holiday card giving season.  I dress them in nice outfits and pose them adorably by the tree…and then I scream my f’ing head off and put my blood pressure through the roof for a good half hour until I get a mildly acceptable photo of two little blobs that kind of resemble my kids.

Next year I’m sending out the one of Carter putting Grant in a headlock…next to the one of me drinking straight from the handle of vodka.  Merry Christmas from the Jefferson y’all! 

#4: Sorting the laundry by color.

No, I’m just kidding.  I don’t do this.

The boy’s T-shirts are all slightly pink because I forgot that red shirt was new and my husband’s black work pants are covered in fuzz cause I washed them with the towels. 

When they find a way to put a few extra hours into the day I’ll find time to sort the laundry.  Promise.

#3: Buying toys.

I have spent countless amounts of time, money and energy getting toys for my kids.  I get so excited to give them something I know they will love!  And they will be excited about it, they’ll play with it for a while…and then it’ll get lost in the huge pile of other crap ass toys we’ve wasted our resources on.   

Then they’ll go back to playing with the vacuum attachments, the couch cushions and this one red plastic spatula that they love. 

Buying toys is stupid.  I’m going to start shopping for them at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They have this nice set of hand towels on sale that I think my kids will get HOURS of enjoyment out of!

#2: Paying attention to milestones.

When Carter was a baby I made myself absolutely crazy trying to make sure he was keeping up with every other kid I had ever met in my life.  I had several nervous breakdowns during the potty training process. 

And for what purpose? 

Raise your hand if your last job application included the question: “At what age were you potty trained?”

Moms are so competitive and judgmental.  Its nuts.  And you always have that one mom who has the perfect child and will tell you exactly how you need to be doing things:

“Bobby began using the potty when he was 16 hours old.  Here’s the name of the potty training book I read.  Follow it exactly because every child is the same and so if it doesn’t work for you you’re clearly doing something wrong.”

Oh, well fuck you very much for that information!  I’ll be sure to look into it.  Douche.

I walk, talk and pee where I’m supposed to (most of the time) and no one in my life has ever asked at what age I began doing so. 

Stressing about these things is definitely one of the stupidest things I’ve done.  I’d like to point out that Grant is basically raising himself…and I think he’s doing a bang up job!

#1: Asking the boys to stop fighting.

I’m not sure why I waste my breath saying “get along” nine thousand three hundred and fifty seven times a day.  It’s moronic.

They fight every five seconds.  And then five seconds later they are best friends who are nicely playing some game they made up called “Jumping Jellyfish” (I still haven’t figured out WTF the point of that game is but they seem to love it.)

Their fights are ridiculous and I’m sick of playing referee because Carter said he’s gonna shoot a cannon out of his eye at Grant or because Grant stuck his toe in Carter’s nose (actual fights they’ve had).

I go crazy screaming at them to cut it out.  And my yelling does exactly nothing to stop the problem.  Not one thing.

Although at least when they’re fighting I know what they are doing.  The only thing worse than them fighting is them getting along and plotting something.  Nothing gives me more anxiety than when I hear their happy laughter coming from the other room.  If I can’t see them I don’t know what they’ve gotten into…and if it’s bringing them that much joy it can’t be good.

So it’s stupid of me to try and keep them from fighting.  I’m going to start encouraging it actually, because then they’ll think it’s something I want them to do…and me wanting them to do something is the fastest way to ensure it never happens again.


  1. I have the same issues with my 2 kids boy and a girl. Honestly I need to be heavily medicated with my happy pills to deal with them some days.

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    I laughed through this whole thing! I love your Top Ten posts! I may need to steal the idea!!