Thursday, March 28, 2013

You Know What They Say...

Proverbs: those old sayings that we’ve all heard a million times. 

You probably use some proverbs on a pretty regular basis.  I know I do.  And that’s why I got to thinking…who the hell came up with some of these? 

Not parents.  That I'm pretty sure of.

Parents, for example, would never say something as idiotic as “Silence is golden.”  Because people with kids know that silence is the single most terrifying sound in the universe.

So I’ve taken the liberty of going through some proverbs, rewriting some, debunking some…I think it’s time us moms and dads put these old sayings in their place.

This is how these familiar words would read if I got my way.  It’s the ‘Things Carter Says’ version of the classics:

-If it ain’t broke…my kids have probably just not gotten to it yet.  Give them a second…

-People who live in glass houses…shouldn’t have kids.

-Actions speak louder than words…unless you accidentally cut a sandwich in fours when someone only wanted twos.  Then words speak PRETTY DAMN LOUDLY!

-Find a penny, pick it up…out of your kid’s diaper…cause apparently he ate a penny.

-Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater…unless the baby is being a little shit, then do it to teach him a lesson.  But, I mean, you’ll probably have to go get him afterwards. Which is actually more work for you.  Ok FINE! Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

-Haste makes waste… untrue.  Haste makes sure you get to eat the whole cookie by yourself without getting caught.

-You snooze you lose…no parent in their right mind would ever use this saying.  I would like to permanently erase this saying from existence and replace it with something along the lines of “You snooze and Mommy won’t have to sell you on the black market.”  Something like that...                                                                                                  

-Practice makes perfect…that’s why my kids are AMAZING at being asshole.  They get TONS of practice!

-Rules were made to be broken…WTF!  If this is true why do I waste my breath making up rules like “We don’t lick ketchup off the floor” and “Don’t drink the toothpaste”?  I hope Carter never catches wind of this saying…cause then I’ll find it tattooed on his bicep. 

-Time flies when you’re having fun…which is why the two hours between dinner and bed time are the l o n g e s t parenting hours in the whole universe.

Now, although I found many proverbs that made me question the sanity of the people who first said them I also found a few that I think are spot on:

-Murphy’s Law  - Whatever can go wrong will go wrong…correct.

-Idle hands are the devil’s playthings…and the devil has a shitload of fun in my house!

-Absence makes the heart grow fonder…hell yes it does!  See ya, kiddos!  I will love you way, way more after I get a break from you...

-If you want it done right do it yourself…cause if you let your toddler do it, it will take approximately 9,000 times as long.

-It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission…your mom will not give you permission to smear hand soap all over the bathroom sink, but you’ll probably escape with a time out and an explanation of why that was an absolutely moronic thing to do.
-Don’t bite off more than you can chew…this is a good one.  Listen to this because then I won't have to give you the Heimlich in the middle of a restaurant because you jammed 57 pieces of pizza crust into your mouth at once. 

-The squeaky wheel gets the grease…the child screaming the loudest always get the first lollipop I am able to unwrap.  Fact.   

-It takes two to tango…ever have one child sitting around screaming and throwing blocks at himself?

-Misery loves company…this is why you’re all here, isn’t it?  To commiserate with me and share stories bout our life-sucking children?  Welcome, friends, you’re in good company!

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Story of Easter

Easter is coming up this weekend.  I’m not really all that crazy about Easter.

It’s one of those holidays that’s really only fun if you’re a kid or if you’re super-duper into religion.  I am neither of those things.

I prefer holidays like Christmas where at the end of the all crap I have to deal with I at least get some gifts.  Or holidays like St. Patrick’s Day or Cinco de Mayo where the main purpose of the day is drinking.  Easter just doesn’t do it for me.

Regardless of my feelings, however, I am the victim of 30 some-odd years of Catholic guilt so we still go to church for Easter. 

In preparation of this I attempted to explain the real meaning of Easter to the kids.  Come to find out, I’m not really even sure I fully understand what the hell happened there.  Christmas is so much easier to discuss with kids:

Christmas – A baby was born.  Hooray Christmas!

Easter – There’s betrayal, torture, death and Jesus turns into a zombie.  And then we dye eggs.

So, knowing full well that I was setting myself up for failure I started a conversation about Jesus and Easter with the kids…

Me: “Hey guys, so on Sunday we’re going to go to church for Easter.  I want to talk about Easter and how it’s because of Jesus and not because of the Easter Bunny.  You remember who Jesus is?”

Carter: “Yeah, he’s a baby, right?”

Me: “Well Easter happened when Jesus was all grown up.  He wasn’t a baby anymore.  So what happened was Jesus was helping people and this king didn’t like it so he arrested him.”

(Is that even how the story goes?)

Carter: “Did he go to jail?  Did he get to ride in a police car to jail?”

Me: “Yeah he went to jail, but they didn’t have police cars back then.”

Carter: “Why not?”

Me: “Yeah, ok, actually they did have a police car and he rode in it.”

(I have to pick my battles.)

Me: “And so the people didn’t like him doing good things so they made him walk up this hill with this cross…”

(Why do I know the lesson you’re going to take from this is “Don’t do good things”?)

Carter: “What’s a cross?”

Me: “Um, it’s like a letter T."
(Well, I mean, YOU describe what the purpose of a cross is!  No, really, can you?  Cause I don't get it...)
Me: "So then the people did mean things to him while he carried the cross..."
(I covered whipping, jamming thorns into your head and shoving nails through your feet and hands under the category "mean things".)
Me: "And they thought he was dead but he wasn’t…well he was…but then he rose from the dead.  And so that’s Easter.”

(If anyone, after reading that stellar explanation of the holiday, wants me to explain Easter to YOUR kids as well just give me a shout…)

Carter: “So are we gonna see Jesus at church?”

Me: “No he won’t be there…except everyone will tell you that he’s there…he lives in Heaven.”

Carter: “I want to go to Heaven.”

(I can tell you right now that the odds aren’t in your favor there, pal.)

Me: “Well you can’t go to Heaven.  You’re gonna go to church instead.  So basically I want you to know that Jesus was a nice man who died for us.”

Carter: “Did he dye all the bad guys who were mean to him?”

Me: “Not DYE.  DIE.  Um…like dead.  Not like eggs.”

Carter: “Are we still going to dye eggs?”

Me: “Yes.”

Carter: “And is the Easter Bunny still going to come to our house even though the king didn’t like Jesus and gave him the T and sent him to Heaven?”

Me: “Yes.”

Carter: “Can I go play now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Good talk son!  Glad I cleared all of that right up for you. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

A Blogger and a Robot Walk Into a Bar...

Oh my Lord!

Spammy must have known it was Friday and we all needed some outstanding comments to make it through our day because he was ON FIRE this week!

For anyone who is new to my regular Friday post topic the story behind them is I’ve been being ridiculously spammed for the past few weeks.  A normal person would probably heighten their blog’s security and delete all the comments.  But then how would any of us know where to find a great Abigail Adams head shot or figure out how to get our hands on a top notch vaporizer? 

I’m not even going to do a big write up for an intro because this guy stole the show this week.  So let’s get going, shall we?

Comment:  “How much fleshlight is too much for you?”

You know, I’ve never really thought about this before.  But I agree it’s a question that every girl must ask herself at some point in her life.  You have to know your limits.  Me personally, I have a pretty low fleshlight tolerance but I do know some people who like to get their fleshlight on ALL the freaking time!  It’s a crazy world.

Comment:  “Vem, da ti fantje so ljubili gledala, in sedaj lahko prekleta ljubezen mi jih bo moja izdelavo Brooke Skye fleshlight.”

So, I admitted to Mr. Spamtastic that I didn’t really know what a fleshlight was so he explained it to me.  I didn’t understand any of it but I’m assuming this information will be very useful so I’m going to find a translator right away.  Anyone speak Robot?

Comment: “I'm reallyhyped about the Aletta Ocean Primal fleshlight. In the military, it must be all that unfamiliar.”

Wait…you mean to tell me our military does not have access to the Aletta Ocean Primal fleshlight?  That’s the best kind! This is a travesty that MUST be remedied ASAP.  Those brave men and women are protecting our country for God’s sake!  They deserve to be familiar with every type of fleshlight.  I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to our government about this.    

I can tell that this is an issue near and dear to Spammy’s heart because he’s “reallyhyped” about it.  He got so excited he couldn’t even find the space bar.  Now that’s passion, folks.

Comment: “The inside will be soft and the vegetable's fake vagina green. A Fake Vagina never fishes for compliments.”

I need to get a fake vagina.  I’m so sick of my real one being like “I’m so fat today” and I have be all “No, you’re SO not fat!  You’re so skinny!”  It gets old real fast.  A fake vagina would NEVER do that!

If vegetables have access to soft, green fake vaginas I don’t see why I can’t have one.  I’m gonna go talk to that cucumber in my fridge and see where she got hers. 

Comment: “The most important thing to know when you are selling an account is where you are going to sell. WIFI:Als Verbindungsmoglichkeiten ins Internet stehen Ihnen WIFI wireless lan zu Verfugung. The reason for this rather strange feature is that, as described above, apps in the Android Market are listed as they are submitted, without any testing.”

As described above?  Oh, you mean “Als Verbindungsmoglichkeiten ins Internet stehen Ihnen WIFI wireless lan zu Verfugung”?  Got it.  Thank you for clearing that up for me.  Now I know exactly where to sell my account.

Comment: “This is normal and for some other couples it might be the haiku about the frog jumping in the water and re-insert the sleeve into the Pocket Pussy.”

The haiku about the Frog and the Pocket Pussy is my favorite.  I was just telling my boys that story the other day.  They loved it! It’s fantastic bed time reading.

Hold on…we’re talking about the frog and the very small cat that fits in your pocket, right?  I love how the moral of the story is a good friend will jump into the water if your sleeve falls off and then re-insert it for you.

Comment: “Now, the guys were still comparing their pocket pussy's and one of its top lawyers, according to police.”

What do pocket pussy’s and top lawyers have in common?  Sounds like the beginning of an interesting joke. But why are the police involved here?  Comparing your sex toys to your attorney isn’t a crime, is it?

Although I heard pocket pussy’s are banned in 16 states.  Maybe these guys live in one of them.  And their lawyer is constantly saying : “C’mon man! Put down the pocket pussy before I have to involve the authorities.” Some guys just never learn.

Comment: “Sadly, most" thrones" are boring porcelain white and lack the oomph that can only be offered by a lid that features the skull of the Pope.”

I got this off eBay to spice up my boring old porcelain throne.  The seller assured me that it’s the Pope’s actual skull.  And since it’s from the internet it must be true.  I can’t wait to install it!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Top Ten Stupid Things I Do

People in general do a lot of stupid things.  When you become a parent the amount of stupid things you do quadruples so that you can no longer keep track of them. 

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of doing something and I’ll think “Well this is stupid…” and ya know what?  I’ll just keep right on doing it.  It’s a sickness I have. 

Now, let’s be honest…I do WAY more than 10 stupid things.  But I’d never leave my computer if I were to compile a complete list, so here is a shortened version of my stupidity. 

Top ten stupid things I do:

#10: Cleaning the kitchen before lunch.

This is a very, very stupid thing to do, don’t you agree? 

Every morning when I come downstairs I immediately go on a kitchen cleaning frenzy. Last night’s dinner dishes are in the sink, there are crumbs everywhere, there are 17 matchbox cars having a party on my counter (why the f*ck are there 17 matchbox cars having a party on my counter?)

So I get the kitchen nice and spotless and then…lunchtime.  Know what my kids eat for lunch every day?  Sandwiches.  On stupid crumbly bread.  And they spill shit.  All the time.  And they smear peanut butter on everything they touch. 

My kitchen at 12:30 looks exactly like my kitchen looked at 7:30 before I cleaned.  So I clean it again.  Stupid.  So stupid. 

#9: Listening to the 90s station while the kids are in the car.

I didn’t think the kids paid any attention to what I have on the radio while driving.  They do. 

The other day I was jamming to some awesome old school 90s tunes when Carter suddenly said “Mom, I really like this song.”

It was The Humpty Dance.

Oh super!  I can’t wait for you to go into school and tell all your friends you once got busy in a Burger King bathroom or ever so politely ask your teacher to step off cause you’re doin’ the hump.

I need to be vigilant while listening to that station before my kids are exposed to “You’re horny, let’s do it, ride it, my pony” or “Do me, baby.”

#8: Cleaning before a play date.

I promise you not all of these have to do with cleaning.  But cleaning is the ultimate stupid thing you can do while kids are in your house so obviously it’s bound to come up a few times.

I don’t know why I insist on picking up and vacuuming before people with kids come over.  Do I want them to think I have my life together and my home organized?  Do I think people will actually buy that bullshit story?  Not a chance. 

At the end of the day I tend to doubt other parents will notice which crumbs were on my rug before they got there and which ones are there as a result of the shit storm our kids just brought down upon my playroom. 

#7: Buying shoes with laces.

Why the frig do I do this? 

Do I think I need more practice tying? Because me perfecting my bunny ears is the only thing that can possibly result from my buying tie shoes for a three year old. 

Velcro, Danielle, it’s all about the Velcro.  Don’t be stupid.

#6: Saying “I’m exhausted”.

I think I say this every time I step foot inside the kid’s school. 

Pick-up time there is stressful and crazy.  At the end of going to two classrooms, getting on two coats, hats and pairs of mittens, packing up two backpacks and trying to wrangle together two jerks who just want to run around and be jerks I am so, so exhausted. 

When I see the teachers on the way out my face looks like I just wrestled a wild alligator and lost…make that two wild alligators actually.  At that point I feel the only appropriate thing to do is smile and say “I’m exhausted!”   I think it’s better than looking at them and yelling “OH MY FUCKING GOD!” which is what I actually want to do.

Saying those words is stupid…they can see my kids, they know I’m exhausted.  It’s just stating the obvious and they are probably sick of hearing it.  I don’t have to say it every single day…but I’m probably still gonna.

#5: Stressing over getting the perfect picture.

Someday I’m going to get a picture of my kids where everyone is looking and smiling and no one is making a stupid face or has their eyes half shut.  And after that happens I’m going to hop on my magical flying unicorn and head home to my golden palace on Mars.

I make myself absolutely crazy right before the holiday card giving season.  I dress them in nice outfits and pose them adorably by the tree…and then I scream my f’ing head off and put my blood pressure through the roof for a good half hour until I get a mildly acceptable photo of two little blobs that kind of resemble my kids.

Next year I’m sending out the one of Carter putting Grant in a headlock…next to the one of me drinking straight from the handle of vodka.  Merry Christmas from the Jefferson y’all! 

#4: Sorting the laundry by color.

No, I’m just kidding.  I don’t do this.

The boy’s T-shirts are all slightly pink because I forgot that red shirt was new and my husband’s black work pants are covered in fuzz cause I washed them with the towels. 

When they find a way to put a few extra hours into the day I’ll find time to sort the laundry.  Promise.

#3: Buying toys.

I have spent countless amounts of time, money and energy getting toys for my kids.  I get so excited to give them something I know they will love!  And they will be excited about it, they’ll play with it for a while…and then it’ll get lost in the huge pile of other crap ass toys we’ve wasted our resources on.   

Then they’ll go back to playing with the vacuum attachments, the couch cushions and this one red plastic spatula that they love. 

Buying toys is stupid.  I’m going to start shopping for them at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They have this nice set of hand towels on sale that I think my kids will get HOURS of enjoyment out of!

#2: Paying attention to milestones.

When Carter was a baby I made myself absolutely crazy trying to make sure he was keeping up with every other kid I had ever met in my life.  I had several nervous breakdowns during the potty training process. 

And for what purpose? 

Raise your hand if your last job application included the question: “At what age were you potty trained?”

Moms are so competitive and judgmental.  Its nuts.  And you always have that one mom who has the perfect child and will tell you exactly how you need to be doing things:

“Bobby began using the potty when he was 16 hours old.  Here’s the name of the potty training book I read.  Follow it exactly because every child is the same and so if it doesn’t work for you you’re clearly doing something wrong.”

Oh, well fuck you very much for that information!  I’ll be sure to look into it.  Douche.

I walk, talk and pee where I’m supposed to (most of the time) and no one in my life has ever asked at what age I began doing so. 

Stressing about these things is definitely one of the stupidest things I’ve done.  I’d like to point out that Grant is basically raising himself…and I think he’s doing a bang up job!

#1: Asking the boys to stop fighting.

I’m not sure why I waste my breath saying “get along” nine thousand three hundred and fifty seven times a day.  It’s moronic.

They fight every five seconds.  And then five seconds later they are best friends who are nicely playing some game they made up called “Jumping Jellyfish” (I still haven’t figured out WTF the point of that game is but they seem to love it.)

Their fights are ridiculous and I’m sick of playing referee because Carter said he’s gonna shoot a cannon out of his eye at Grant or because Grant stuck his toe in Carter’s nose (actual fights they’ve had).

I go crazy screaming at them to cut it out.  And my yelling does exactly nothing to stop the problem.  Not one thing.

Although at least when they’re fighting I know what they are doing.  The only thing worse than them fighting is them getting along and plotting something.  Nothing gives me more anxiety than when I hear their happy laughter coming from the other room.  If I can’t see them I don’t know what they’ve gotten into…and if it’s bringing them that much joy it can’t be good.

So it’s stupid of me to try and keep them from fighting.  I’m going to start encouraging it actually, because then they’ll think it’s something I want them to do…and me wanting them to do something is the fastest way to ensure it never happens again.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Robots, Robots Everywhere

It’s Spam Friday!

He’s at it again.  This week Spammy McSpam-a-lot got a little dirty in some of his comments.  He’s clearly trying to take our relationship to the next level.  Too soon? 

God! Blogger/Spammer relationships can be so difficult sometimes!

As usual, not all of his comments are complimentary.  But every relationship has it's ups and downs, right?

Comment: “Safe mobile phone sex ensures that this fire maintains on burning. At least one lamp with an adjustable neck is needed to light yourself correctly. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. Feel free to surf to my web site ... Telefonsex”

If you’re gonna be making sure the fires maintain on burning I think you’re gonna need more than one adjustable lamp.  But that’s just my opinion.

Although I guess it would be tricky to hold the phone and adjust more than one lamp at a time…oh, no wait…speakerphone.  You can totally rock two lamps at once and still light yourself correctly.  Thank god for technology huh? 
And another thing, who the hell do the NLAs think they are?  This is very useful information.  I don't see how anyone in their right mind could not be concerned about this.  Aloofness is a quality I just will not tolerate when I'm trying to obsess about a relationship.

Comment: “The vaporizer is a device that makes the gustatory sensation.”

You want to give me the gustatory sensation?  Wow, Spammy, you must really like me!  I don’t know what that is but it sounds interesting.  I need one of your vaporizers immediately.  Do I have to call a Telefonsex operator to order?

Comment: “Certainly like your web site but you have to test the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to inform the reality however I will definitely come back again. Stop by my website zlewyjednokomorowe.”

Zlewyjednokomoroew? For serious?  And here we are wasting time talking about MY spelling errors.

 How the shit did that one sneak by spell check?  Did you have to bribe Microsoft word? You probably got away with that because you and spell check are involved in some sort of illicit robotic affair…because I see a red squiggly line under zlewyjednokomorowe every time.  See?  There it is again.  Zlewyjednokomorowe.

Comment: “Just wish to say youг аrtiсle is as astοnіshing. The cleаrneѕs іn yоuг pоst is јust niсе and i cοuld assume you're an expert on this subject.”

This particular comment was left on the post “Good God” in which I go over all the reasons I’m a bad Catholic and I admit freely that I don’t know how to explain religion to my kids.  So, yeah, naturally I understand how you could assume I’m an expert on that subject. 

(Hey Spamster, here’s a tip…if you want to seem credible and not at all robotic you might want to save your “expert” comments for posts where I talk about my kids being bastards.  Because I’m definitely an expert on that.)

Comment: “Well with your permission let me to grab your RSS feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the rewarding work. Check out my site: Colon Cleanse Centers Philadelphia.”

Sure, you have my permission to grab whatever you want…just stay out of my colon, k?  However, if I’m ever feeling backed up in Philly, I’ll be sure to check you out. 

Comment: “But I devised a little cheat sheet that helps me now. Obamacare, congress is exmpt from this care and taxes. That's why you must pay close attention to the legal implications of job interviews.Also visit my blog post; Telefonsex. My web page – Telefonsex”

I didn’t know you were into politics!  Now you’re trying to impress me with your mind as well as with your vaporizers.  I think the only major question I have at this point is…is Telefonsex covered under Obamacare? 
I'll tell ya what, I'm only a few vaporizer comments away from leaving my husband for this guy...

Friday, March 8, 2013

Musings of a Robotic Mind

Hi friends!  How’s everyone doing today?  Personally I am doing great.  Know why?  Well there are two reasons:

1.       It’s Friday

2.       I’ve had a lot of contact this week with my new best friend Spammy McSpam-A-Lot.

In case anyone is unfamiliar with my newest fan, he’s the wisest, wittiest, most informational commenter I’ve ever had.

Oh, and he’s a computer.

Ever since I turned off the spam filter on my blog he’s been getting in touch with me more often.  (read Prove You're Not a Robot to get caught up)

I love sharing the information I get from him, it’s all very useful.  Hope you learn something folks…and here we go…

Comment: “Feel free to visit my site 'Abigail Adams Pictures'."

There’s a whole site for that?  Personally I think if you’ve seen one Abigail Adams picture you’ve seen them all.  But that’s just me.  Clearly there is a market out there for these photos and I’m sure business is booming!
Here's my favorite picture of Abby.  I'm thinking of having this one made into a canvas for my living room...
But then again...this one really shows a different side of her personality.  I just don't know which one to go with.

Comment: “I'm curious to find out what blog system you are working with? I'm having some small security issuеs with my latest blog anԁ I would liκe to find sοmething more seсure. Dο you haνe аny reсοmmendаtions?”

Oh Spammy!  I find this comment hilarious coming from you.  YOU are looking to ME for advice on blog security? Are you under the impression that my blog is secure?  You come on here and leave me comments about vaporizers all the damn time…I have the least secure blog in America!

My recommendation for you is to puncture the hat of society and tip the label to be sparking the most advanced typewriter.  That should make perfect sense to you…

Comment: “Computer screen control is also available. Stored energy printers. In essence, they appreciated each other and never lost sight of how lucky they felt to have each other as their spouse.”

Are we talking about the computer screen and the stored energy printer here?  Now that is a love story for the ages!  My favorite part is when he says “Virus detected. Update software” and she says “Ink cartridge is running low”.  Talk about romantic! Gets me every time.

Comment: “What’s up, I check your stuff out on a regular basis.  Your story telling style is awesome, keep it up.  Also visit my website ‘Dolphin Pear’.”

Thank you so much for the friendly greeting and nice compliment!  Now I totally don’t think you’re a robot at all and I’ll definitely check out your site. 

You have absolutely no idea how long I’ve been looking for more information on Dolphin Pears.  I’ve been having such a hard time deciding how to approach it.  Like, do I eat it or swim with it? Pick it off a tree then rescue it from the wild?  I just don’t know. I really hope you can give me some valuable insight to help me with my problem.

Comment: “Some radio designers often make use of this property to tune an antenna to their needs by restricting transmission or reception to signals on a limited number of vectors. Even today, I go big game hunting and all this, and the more dangerous something is, the happier I am.”

Wow, you wild man, you.  Are you trying to impress me with your love of danger?  Cause let me tell you something…it worked! Tell me that part again about the radio designers, the properly tuned antenna and the Lion you bagged on safari in Africa?  You know how much that turns me on.

Comment: “If you need best aromatherapy, the herbal vaporizers are well suitable for you to get huge benefits. Since the herb is used in inducing abortions, it should not be used in pregnancy. It is the latest and greatest in the new generation of herbal incense.”

Come again? Used in inducing abortions? Jesus Christ…does it say that on the label?  I feel like that warning should be in bold type...or at least in all caps. You know how much I love my vaporizers but I just don’t know about this latest and greatest herbal one.  But, I mean, I’m sure you went through all the proper channels and it’s FDA approved and everything so it’s probably perfectly safe…


See?  Isn’t he great?  I’m so glad he’s come into my life…and that I’m able to pass on his pearls of wisdom to all my faithful readers! 
Just one more!  This woman truly has so many unique looks!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Good God

I have a confession to make: Much to the dismay of my mother and grandmother I am not a good Catholic. 

Like, at all.

Due to this fact, my children are confused (to say the least) about religion.  We belong to a special branch of the Catholic Church called the “C and E Sector”…as in, we only go to church on C- Christmas and E-Easter. 

The kids are baptized.  Here's Carter at his Christening:
 Ok, maybe all the other kids were infants and Carter was 24…but still…we got around to it.

See…proof that they don’t have original sin (just the sin they subsequently acquired by being little assholes)

Last year was the first time we thought the kids might be old enough to grasp the whole God concept.  It was around Christmas time so we did a lot of talking about “Baby Jesus”.

When we went to mass that year Carter looked at all the images and statues of Jesus as an adult and was very confused.  So he decided if that wasn’t “Baby Jesus” it must be “Big Jesus”.  He then proceeded to shout that out every time he saw the adult version of Jesus…loudly.

“BIG JESUS!  Mom, look, it’s BIG JESUS! BIG JESUS!”

It was like he was at a revival and was super into it, yelling the Lord’s name every five seconds. 

Either that or he was Jesus’ homey and therefore entitled to use his street name:

“Yo! Big Jesus! Where you been, dog? You chillin’ at Mary’s crib again? What I tell ya about that girl, man? It’s a’ight Big J, we still cool.”

This week Carter was introduced to the concept of praying to St. Anthony.

If you’re unfamiliar with his story…well…so am I.  He’s basically the Saint you pray to when you lose something.  I have no idea why…but he sure does come in handy. And although I don’t exactly practice my religion I still keep that guy around cause, dude, he works. 

I can often be found walking around my house saying: Something is lost and cannot be found, please St. Anthony help me look around. 

 A lot of stories in religion seem far-fetched but a dead saint who comes into your house and helps you find things?  Now THAT I can get behind!

 My mom is a big church goer and she insists that she is tight with St. A.  So any time I lose something and tell her about it she says:

“Did you pray to St. Anthony?  I’ll do it…call me back when you find it.”

This week we lost Grant’s special lovey.  We all looked for two days.  My mom came over, prayed to St. Anthony, lifted up one cushion and found him.

Naturally Carter thought this was the coolest trick ever.  The next afternoon he couldn’t find a truck he was looking for:

“Can you call Nana and see if she’ll talk to that guy for me? Who is that guy anyway?”

I attempted to explain the concept behind the guy who finds things:

“Well, he’s someone who you ask for help when you misplace something and he helps you look.”

“Does he come to your house?”

“No.  He just sends…he’s dead…well…no…he’s not dead…he’s…”

“He’s a ghost?”

Nice.  Good job…he’s dead?  WTF is coming out of my mouth right now!

“No, he’s a saint.  He’s kind of like God.”

“Who’s God?”

Oh for Christ’s sake!

“Like, Jesus.  Remember Jesus? So, St. Anthony is just a God Jesus guy who is good at finding things.”

Did I just say he’s a “God Jesus guy”?  That’s the best I could come up with?  I’m totally f’ed.

“How does he help you find things?  Does he use magic?”

Yup.  You got it! St. Anthony is a dead, magic God Jesus guy.  I think if you look it up that’s a very accurate description of him.

“Is he super good at finding things?”


“Ok, I’m gonna go hide something and see if he can tell me where it is.”

Yeah, alright, as if this conversation weren’t bad enough…let’s mess with the saints and test their skills. They should have performance reviews just like anyone else!  You think you’re good at finding things, Tony?  Prove it.

I think maybe next weekend we should squeeze church into our schedule…

Friday, March 1, 2013

Prove You're Not a Robot

It recently came to my attention that my blog had a spam filter for the comment section.  My darling friend Lily (that’s a sarcastic darling, you’ll see why in a minute) suggested that I remove it.  She said it would make it easier for people, like herself, to leave a comment (see, it was partially selfishly motivated). 

I had no idea what that was, how I put it in place or how I could remove it but I was going to try.  I’m here for you guys and I’m willing to do anything to make your lives easier (plus, I like getting comments, so this was partially selfishly motivated as well).

Turns out I had one of those “Please prove you’re not a robot by copying the follow words that don’t make any sense and you can’t even read clearly” things set up to prevent spammy comments.

I didn’t intentionally have this setting and I didn’t see any real need for it so I clicked the ‘off’ button and it was removed.

And as soon as it was removed I immediately saw the need for it. 

I began getting ridiculous nonsense comments on my posts about everything from video games to Viagra.  The first thing I did of course was email Lily and harass her life about this.  Thanks for the suggestion, Lil…do you need any information on adult onset acne? Because I suddenly find myself full of good tips!

My first instinct was to delete them, but then I thought “Hey, some computer program went through a lot of trouble posting these comments. I should do something with them…”

So here you are, a list encompassing some of my very favorite comments from Mr. Spammy McSpam-a-lot:

Comment: “Kudos! Take a look at my blog post Spiele Spielen”

Kudos right back to you for coming up with such a great name for your blog post!  I have always wanted to know more about spiele spielen and, thanks to you, I’ll finally get that chance. 

Now, I’m not sure I’m 100% familiar with the topic, but I’m assuming it has something to do with Santa Clause since that’s the post you commented on.  Either way, I’m so glad you found my blog and took the time to comment. 

Comment: “Your mode of describing the whole thing in this piece of writing is genuinely pleasant all be capable of without difficulty know it, Thanks a lot.”

Well, that started off sounding like it was gonna be a compliment to my writing skills, but I guess you either got side tracked or had a stroke or something at the end there…you lost me at ‘be capable of without difficulty know it…

Comment: “Cannabis use during pregnancy can lead to fetal impairment.”

Ok, I get it, my kid isn’t well behaved…but I SWEAR I did NOT use cannabis during my pregnancy.  And I’m kind of offended by the implication.  Screw you, Anonymous, you and I are in a fight.

Comment:  “Τhe fact that Toyοta choѕe to upgrаde the eхteгior styling, іntеrior quality and intеrior гоominеsѕ of the гedesіgned 2012 Υаriѕ hatchbaсκ rather than upgгading the powеrtrain sаys a lot аbout hοw Тοyotа ѵіewѕ the nеeds of smаll car buyers.”

That’s very interesting.  I’m glad you brought this to my attention.  All suburban moms with two kids are in the market for a Yaris.  Clearly my story about the time Grant got angry indicated my need for a car the size of a roller skate. 

Comment: "Worse there are very few drugs which can kill these creatures.  Buy one now from the leading vaporizer stores."

Holy shit! What are these creatures you speak of?  And I have to vaporize them?  Do I need to call Ghostbusters in for this or is it something I can go alone?  I am going to hustle my ass down to my local leading vaporizer store RIGHT NOW! Thank you so much for the warning.

Comment: “Visit my blog post ‘Istanbul Escorts’.”

Hmmm, if I Google “Constantinople Escorts” will it bring me to the same page?  Because, you know, Istanbul WAS Constantinople.  Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople…

Regardless, I hope their escorts don’t suck cause I’m gonna be really pissed off if I get a second class hooker as a result of all this. 

Comment:  “Ein weiterer Inhaltstoff ist nach wissenschaftlichen Arbeitsverfahren das 100% natürliche” -Garcinia Cambogia

Ummm…WTF is this? 

I know this has to be spam because: a) I don’t speak German and b) there’s a nasty rumor going around that Garcinia Cambogia is a fraud.  You can trust that bitch at all. 

Ok, folks, there you have it; this is a small sampling of the kind of stuff I’ve been reading through since I turned off my spam filter.  You people better appreciate the right to comment freely, and use it…often…Lily’s life depends on it.