Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The Official Worst Christmas Songs Ever


There, now that I have your attention...we're two days away from Christmas!

Besides me just sitting around waiting for everything I've busted my ass to accomplish over the past month backfire and explode in my face...which it inevitably will, by the way, because there's always some last minute shit that didn't get done and someone's gonna be bull about it and blame me...anyway, besides that I've also been listening to a lot of Christmas music.  And know what I've discovered?  There are a lot of really shitty holiday songs! Like, bad. Really bad. 

And I'm not just talking bad as in they put Jingle Bells to reggae music or bad because they let Rod Stewart sing something (honestly, don't you just feel like he's molesting you with his voice?)

I'm talking bad as in just plain disturbing and wrong.  So here is my list of a few Christmas songs I'd like to see not exist:

1. Baby It's Cold Outside:

I'm starting out with the obvious. I've talked about this creep show of a song before because, after all, it is my favorite Christmas song about date rape. AND THEY LET ROD STEWART SING IT! After I hear his version I immediately have to go take a hot shower and try to erase the memory of that experience.

Seriously, let's celebrate the season of over imbibing and making bad decisions by trapping this poor woman in a snow storm with the pushiest asshole ever.

Baby: "Say, what's in this drink?"

It's Rufies,woman. Get the F out of there.

2. Santa Baby:

Ah! The story of the greedy selfish tramp with the pouty sex kitten voice.  Yeah, she deserves a yacht and she's not afraid to do what she has to do to get it.  Santa is married, you little ho ho ho. If I were Mrs. Clause I'd kick your ass for talking to my husband like that!

You'll get the same thing you got last year...herpes.  Hope you enjoy it.

3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:

Um...HELLO!! You don't think that would totally freak a kid out? And any song that involves the word "tickle" should just be outlawed to begin with anyway. I'm surprised there's not a verse where the kid tears his eyes out because he can't un-see any of that.

That song should be renamed "I saw mommy having an affair and it has forever ruined my ability to be in a committed, caring relationship".

4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas:

WTF! Don't give my kid ideas. Your parents hate you. So do I. Ask for a doll like everyone else you little freak.

Also, your voice is one of the most annoying sounds of the season. There's probably something wrong with your nasal passage. You should get that checked out. Tell your parents you want an ENT appointment for Christmas instead.

5. There's Something Stuck Up in the Chimney:

This is the one where Santa is dead up the little girl's chimney.  Like, what thought process went into the creation of this song?

Songwriter 1: "We need to come up with a new Christmas song. Wanna do one where Santa's dead?"

Songwriter 2: "Ohmigod! That's, like, the BEST idea I've ever heard. We should totally do that. And we should probably get a cute little girl to sing it too."

Songwriter 1: "Jesus! We're gonna win a grammy!"

And then Santa's rotting corpse starts to stink up the house and the adorable little girl singing just doesn't know what it is! And to top it all off she's up all night waiting for Santa but she never gets her presents because, ya know, they bumped him off. What a fantastic premise for a holiday tune!

Are you people serious? THIS is an f'ing CHRISTMAS theme? Way to kill my merry and jolly along with Old St. Nick.

Perhaps you tool bags should have thought of all of the parents driving around with their kids when this song comes on the radio.

"What's up her chimney?"

"Ummmm...soot.  It's not dead Santa AT ALL. Don't even worry about it. MERRY CHRISTMAS HONEY!"

So there ya have it, my list. I could add more (like Annie Lenox's bone chillingly, scary as hell version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" for example) but I'd be here all day. Feel free to add to this list if I missed any of your most hated seasonal tunes!

Wishing you all happy holidays, merry Christmas and the ability to block Rod Stewart's voice out of your head should you be so unfortunate as to hear it!