F'ing Friday

I hate today. 

My hatred of today started last night.  The kids didn’t nap and then were both up several times throughout the night crying for no reason. 

I hate crying for no reason.

I knew they were both going to be exhausted.  And exhausted means cranky.  And I was right…they suck today. 

They both cried and whined from 6am to 8am without any break.  You know it’s gonna be a good day when on his way out the door to work your husband says:

“Bye, hun.  Love you.  Um…good luck with the kids today.”

 Yeah, alright! Enjoy work ya big asshole!

I decided that maybe playing outside would be a good idea.  Fresh air and all that.  It became less of a good idea when it took us FORTY FIVE MINUTES to get ready to go out and play in OUR BACKYARD. 

They needed a snack.  Then they needed a drink.  People! You walk down a flight of stairs and you’re there, you don’t need sustenance for this.

“Mom can we have a drink of water? Can we have a drink of water? Can we? Can you get it?”

For future reference "Can we have a drink of water" means:

"Get up RIGHT NOW and get us a drink of water or we’ll get it ourselves and make an f'ing river in the kitchen, Bitch!"

After I cleaned that up they needed sunscreen, hats, and to use the potty.  Grant didn’t like his shoes.  Then Carter didn’t like his underwear…HIS UNDERWEAR…he had to go change it.

We finally got out there and as I’m walking around picking up dog poop (Glamour, Glamour, Everywhere!) I hear them screaming their heads off about some car that they both wanted to play with.

We have no less than 75,000 cars and trucks in my house, and yes some are cooler than others.  But the one they were fighting over was a stupid little matchbox car.

This:

Caused this:

At which point I told them if they didn’t stop fighting over that car I was going to eat it.

Which caused this:

It was at this moment in my day that I received a call from…my gyno.  Oh, hi. I don’t want to talk to you at all. When your kids are being jerks the last thing you want to do is talk to the person who gave them to you!

I eventually got them settled down enough to eat lunch.  Things seemed to be going better until Carter slipped and fell on his bum.  Then he started screaming “Kiss my bum! I want you to kiss my bum!”

Huh.  That’s funny.  Cause I’ve been thinking the exact same thing ALL DAY. 

F’ing Friday!