Friday, May 18, 2012

F'ing Friday


I hate today. 

My hatred of today started last night.  The kids didn’t nap and then were both up several times throughout the night crying for no reason. 

I hate crying for no reason.

I knew they were both going to be exhausted.  And exhausted means cranky.  And I was right…they suck today. 

They both cried and whined from 6am to 8am without any break.  You know it’s gonna be a good day when on his way out the door to work your husband says:

“Bye, hun.  Love you.  Um…good luck with the kids today.”

 Yeah, alright! Enjoy work ya big asshole!

I decided that maybe playing outside would be a good idea.  Fresh air and all that.  It became less of a good idea when it took us FORTY FIVE MINUTES to get ready to go out and play in OUR BACKYARD. 

They needed a snack.  Then they needed a drink.  People! You walk down a flight of stairs and you’re there, you don’t need sustenance for this.

“Mom can we have a drink of water? Can we have a drink of water? Can we? Can you get it?”

For future reference "Can we have a drink of water" means:

"Get up RIGHT NOW and get us a drink of water or we’ll get it ourselves and make an f'ing river in the kitchen, Bitch!"

After I cleaned that up they needed sunscreen, hats, and to use the potty.  Grant didn’t like his shoes.  Then Carter didn’t like his underwear…HIS UNDERWEAR…he had to go change it.

We finally got out there and as I’m walking around picking up dog poop (Glamour, Glamour, Everywhere!) I hear them screaming their heads off about some car that they both wanted to play with.

We have no less than 75,000 cars and trucks in my house, and yes some are cooler than others.  But the one they were fighting over was a stupid little matchbox car.

This:


Caused this:


At which point I told them if they didn’t stop fighting over that car I was going to eat it.

Which caused this:


It was at this moment in my day that I received a call from…my gyno.  Oh, hi. I don’t want to talk to you at all. When your kids are being jerks the last thing you want to do is talk to the person who gave them to you!

I eventually got them settled down enough to eat lunch.  Things seemed to be going better until Carter slipped and fell on his bum.  Then he started screaming “Kiss my bum! I want you to kiss my bum!”

Huh.  That’s funny.  Cause I’ve been thinking the exact same thing ALL DAY. 

F’ing Friday!
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

21 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are my effing hero, Danielle. This post is so me and what went through my head when my kids were these ages. You CRACK me up, girl. Oh, my kids may be 8 and 11 now, but they still have their days. I hope for your sake that they one day will kiss your bum! :) And because you are a rock star mom who deserves a big break tomorrow. I sense a "Honey, I gotta run out for bread" coming on for you very soon. And there might just so happen to be a pedicure place near the bread store. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you lady =) I'm gonna pull some sort of vanishing act soon!! Lol!

      Delete
  3. I am dying! My favorite was your sweet send-off of your husband to work. Truly embracing my inner Donna Reed when I hate on him more than a little each day b/c HE ACTUALLY GETS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!! Kisses to bums all around ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah some days I just send him hate email all day long =)

      Delete
  4. Omg this is my life!! I have 3 boys - hear you loud and clear!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're going to try for a third eventually and I KNOW 1000% it will be another boy...at which point I'll call you for advice! =)

      Delete
  5. I had a day something like this today. Next time I decide that the solution is to put four little kids in the car to go to the aquarium TWO AND A HALF HOURS AWAY, with arrival pegged at the baby's nap time? Please shoot me before I even leave.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha you are AWESOME! Isn't it amazing the silly things kids fight over!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG! ALL THE TIME! It's ridiculous! Someone please tell me it gets better! Anyone...Bueller...??

      Delete
  7. This was hilarious (for me, because my kids weren't whining. I hate whining!)

    I'm reading this on Monday and wondering if it's any better of a day. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Monday is shaping up to be a little better...I didn't even have to threaten to eat any toys so far!! That's a win in my book!

      Delete
  8. So funny!!! Save that picture of your kids for their wedding day and show them how well they got along 'cause you KNOW they will be each other's best man!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have Oh So Many pictures I will be holding for future use... =)

      Delete
  9. So, did you end up eating the matchbox car? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had just had lunch so I was full...but next time...

      Delete
  10. OMG that was awesome!!! My girls had one of those fights last night over a freakin' piece of paper!!! It ended with them both being sent to bed because I was DONE with them. At which point my 5 year old decided to go after the 7 year old with a green marker. So the 5 year old is grounded from Markers for a week and the 7 year old went to school with green lines on her face. Sheesh!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh man, I remember those days so well, like it was just yesterday. Oh yeah it was yesterday. Mine are 17 & 20 and will still fight over the most ridiculous crap!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup, I forsee these arguments for MANY years to come!

      Delete
  12. Hahaha!
    Awww I am so sorry that your day so crappy, but boy did it make for a funny post!
    From the very beginning I knew how your day was going to go, since I have 3 boys of my own. I feel for you!
    BTW, the pictures were hilarious!
    So funny.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love the turnaround at the end. Sounds like a peach of a day. And I know what you mean about already dreading it the night before. You just know!

    ReplyDelete