Mom-Fessions

We all have those mom moments when we think “Should I really be doing this?”  For me the answer is always…yes.  Yes, I should.  Here are a few of my Mom-Fessions, I’m hoping by admitting my wrong doings my Mommy slate will be wiped clean (thus leaving room for future, and probably more outrageous, parenting indiscretions.)

Mom-Fession #1:  I use my TV as a babysitter.

I do this every day. I’m doing it right now actually so I can write this blog.

This is how Grant watches TV.  Tell me that kid doesn't look happy and relaxed!

   

Whoever said children should only have one hour of screen time a day clearly did not have children.  I cannot take this recommendation even REMOTELY seriously!  My TV allows me to do important things like shower, clean the house, see who updated their relationship status on Facebook…

If you don’t also use your TV for this purpose then you are missing out.  Free child care!  Complete with educational content.  I sure as hell didn’t teach my two year old what a hexagon is.  Someone on TV must have.  Chalk one up for the big black box!

Mom-Fession #2:  I steal my kid’s food.

And they catch me.  All the time.  I can’t get away with anything with those kids.  You’d think one miniscule strawberry fruit snack would go unnoticed…

“Why does Grant have eight and I only have seven?  Mom…open your mouth.  LET ME SEE WHAT’S IN YOUR MOUTH!”

Excuse me, I gave you life.  And yes, then I stole your food.  But let me tell you something…that doesn’t make us even.  Not even close. 

(Mom-Fession #2.5 is that although I expect my children to share their food with me I don’t want to share with them in return.  They are vultures.  I eat my cookies in secret and I’m proud of it.)

Mom-Fession #3:  I only feed the kids foods that I find convenient.

For example, even though there is fresh fruit in the fridge I give them a container of apple sauce because I’m feeling lazy and can’t be bothered cutting up fruit into just the right shape and size.  And, yes, in case you were wondering, you CAN cut up a strawberry incorrectly.  But you CANNOT open a container and stick a spoon in it incorrectly…unless it’s the wrong color spoon, of course…

Or it’s a day where they ask for mac and cheese for lunch but I want to put them for an early nap and water takes too damn long to boil.  They have peanut butter and jelly about 6 times a week. 

Fresh veggies are great.  Frozen veggies are ready in 45 seconds.  My choices benefit my schedule more often than they actually benefit my children.  And I’m ok with that.

Mom-Fession #4:  I ignore every spill, scream, fight, dirty diaper, etc. that occur around the time I expect my husband home.

I have been at the children’s beck and call since they woke up.  I have broken up every argument, wiped every nose and filled every sippy cup.  I’m spent.  When 4:30 rolls around the boys pretty much have a free for all until Daddy swoops in and takes over.  And luckily my husband is ok with that…or else I’d break his face.  Love you babe!

Mom-Fession #5:  I lie.

So do you. 

But I rarely feel bad when I lie.  There are tigers in the basement, there are whales in the sink, the cookies are all gone, your toy with the annoying siren is broken, the police are gonna come take you away if you don’t stop whining.  All innocent little white lies, right?

Mom-Fession #6:  I don’t always want to play with my kids.

There seems to be a misconception that moms simply cannot get enough of their kids.  They want to spend every waking moment playing candy land, cooking imaginary food and coloring in pictures of teddy bears. 

This is not the case. Well, it’s not my case at least. Know how sometimes you want a break from work and so you take a mental health day? Yeah. The kids are my work. And I love my job. But sometimes I need a break…and unfortunately my company does not offer vacation days. My benefits suck in general, actually. I gotta talk to HR about that…

Here's Carter psyched out of his mind to be kicking my ass in Candy Land. 

See, sometimes I play with them.

So there you have it folks.  A short (very short) list of some of the things I do as a mom that you won’t find in any reputable parenting book.  And my kids are going to survive it all.  We hope.