BOOBS!

Now that I have your attention…this post is about breastfeeding.  Sorry men, had to trick you, but you’re already here so you may as well read on.

Before and during my pregnancy with Carter I was so totally, unbelievably against breastfeeding.  I thought it was gross. 

Boobs, after all, are for sex.  They are.  Even women have to admit that breasts are sexual.  Have you ever seen a big chested lady walking down the street and thought “DAMN! I’m so jealous of her milk producing capabilities!”

No.  Women don’t get boob jobs so they can appear more appealing to infants. 

People would ask me if I planned to breast feed and I would say no.

Sometimes they would act offended.  Some even tried to talk me into it.  I wasn’t budging.  Bring on all the guilt and judgment you can find!  It won’t affect me at all.  I simply do not care what you think or what the crazy cult-like lactation consultant told you.  My child will not shrivel up and die a horrible death if I don’t stick my nipple in his mouth. 

After I had my C-section the nurses asked if I wanted to try and breast feed. 

Wow.  No.  Not at all.  I’ve just been gutted like a fish and had a human being ripped out of my uterus.  Do not come near me with that baby if you intend to try and stick it on my chest.  I will injure you.  Pass my husband that bottle of formula.

Their faces said “Ok.  Here’s your formula…and your horns.”  Because anyone who chooses formula over breast milk is clearly the devil.

After a few days my milk came in and my hormones were raging.  I just loved my baby SO much and wanted to bond with him.  I decided to go ahead and at least TRY to breast feed.  I based my decision on all the information saying how healthy it was and how I could give my child a head start in life…

HA!  That’s bullshit.  I did it because word on the street was it would help me lose the baby weight faster. 

And guess what?  I didn't exclusively breast feed.  I supplemented from the beginning.  I used formula, I pumped, I fed them from a bottle. I even switched the bottle nipples around at will.  No nipple confusion here, no latching problems.  You think I'm gonna be the only one who can ever feed this kid?  Not a chance. My babies survived all of this.  And I only fed them breast milk for the first three months.  Then it became a huge inconvenience for me so I quit.  Judge me.  Judge away.  My kids didn't suffer.  In fact, their both geniuses.  Take that!

So now, as a mother who did in fact breast feed I can finally say that boobs…are still sexual in my mind.   

I felt really badly for my husband during this time period.  When your milk comes in you get porn star boobs.  They’re the kind of boobs that normal every day guys can only dream about…and your wife will literally rip your head off if you even look at them. 

There you have it.  I didn't want to breast feed.  I did.  And I still think boobs are sexy.  Pretty much sums up my life...sadly.