Thursday, September 20, 2012

Top 10 Ways You Know Your Kid is Not Sleeping

In my four years of mothering I have had a lot of experience with non-sleeping children.  Sometimes it can be tricky to figure out if your child is awake or asleep.  I'm here to clear up some of the confusion surrounding this topic. 
So, in case you are one of the many parents struggling with this issue, here you have my top 10 ways to tell if your child is not sleeping:
10. The most obvious sign of an awake child is when you tuck them in, start to go about your business and yet suddenly find them standing in front of you.  Then they aren’t sleeping.  I’m sure of it.

9.  You hear the occasional loud thump coming from the room they are occupying. 

8. Additional evidence of awake-ness is when the loud thumps are followed by laughter.

7. When you hear “Shhh, Grant…you need to whisper so mom doesn’t hear us” expect to find that your kids are up.

6. If you threaten to go up there and they yell down “Don’t come up here…we’re sleeping” don’t believe them.  They’re lying to you. They are not, in fact, sleeping.

5. If, instead of snoring, you hear random singing coming from their rooms you should be suspicious.  (Sample song lyrics include “There was a farmer had a dog and underpants was his name-o.” Stuff like that should put you on immediate alert that you child is NOT sleeping.)

4. If you yell “What are you doing up there” and they answer you…dead giveaway.

3. Unless you live in a haunted house, footsteps are really strong evidence of the fact that your kids are awake. 

2. Running water is a sure sign of a non-sleeping child.  Also…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THE SINK!

1. And…the number one sign your child is awake…if you planned to use nap time to do anything productive or important you can one million percent count on the fact that your child will not nap that day.  Because kids are jerks.


  1. These are some very good clues. I am betting that their 'crib leaping' is an indication in this house that no one is sleeping either.

  2. My twins are twelve and still haven't caught on to the fact that sound travels. They meet up in the bathroom at eleven p.m. and converse. Honestly, if they're not interrupting your work time, they're interrupting your alone-with-husband time. I have to say, though, I hope their ignorance continues. I don't want them to develop stealth capabilities when they're fifteen and trying to sneak out.