Oh my God! For real? This is my 100th post? That’s kind of cool. I wanted to put something special together for my faithful readers. I know there are DOZENS of people who fall into that category…
Someone gave me the idea of making a list of 100 ways my life has changed since having kids. I thought that was a great idea! (And I would like to apologize in advance to my childless readers. The “Birth Control” post followed by this post was not fair. Don’t sterilize yourselves, ok?)
Ok, here we go. The top 100 ways my life has changed since having kids:
1. I now understand why sleep deprivation is such an effective method of torture.
2- 10. See #1
11. We used to be able to have spontaneous sex. We can still do that, but it can only last as long as it takes to watch an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
12. Related: Being ‘spontaneous’ takes at least a week’s worth of planning.
13 – 20. The amount of alcohol I drink has changed dramatically…I used to drink as a way to relax and have fun. Now I drink as a way to not kill my children. And that requires a lot more volume.
21. I used to spend my Sundays being hung over from my fun and fabulous Saturdays. Now, well, I still spend my Sundays hung over, but I didn’t do anything fabulous the night before and I have to be hung over on the soccer field watching my kid take water breaks (seriously, that’s the only part of the sport he excels at).
22. The amount of butts I’m responsible for wiping has grown exponentially.
23. I know the difference between a back hoe loader and an excavator. Don’t even act like you do.
24. The words “truck” and “car” are now incredibly vague and non-descriptive. Talk to me about extended cab Chevy Silerados and 1960 Shelby Mustang convertibles.
25, 26, 27. Using the bathroom is now a group activity.
28. I routinely have to yell “Get that ___ out of your nose!”
29. Or, more disturbingly, “Get that ___ out of your brother’s nose!”
30. I know more about male anatomy than most actual males.
31. I don’t know what makes The Wiggles so fascinating but I would totally sleep with every single one of them as a thank you. Keep up the good work, gentlemen.
32. Same goes for Mickey.
33. And Lightening McQueen.
34. And the guy from Blues Clues, but only if I absolutely have to.
35. I know that Elmo in small doses is cute. But Elmo in large quantities…see #1.
36. I don’t know WHY Dora and Diego must scream in order to speak but I wish they would cut the shit.
37. Also they’re unbelievably whiny.
38. Also I hate them.
39. I have the words to all of their favorite books memorized so I can read to my children while simultaneously updating my FB status.
40. I have used every threat I can think of…twice.
41. I have realized that it is possible to eat the same lunch nearly every day and never get tired of it. PB&J or Mac and Cheese. Every. Day.
42. I never knew there were so many ways to make a woman feel guilty: you breastfed, you didn’t breastfeed, you used a pacifier, you let your child cry, you held your kid too much or not enough, you let them eat fast food, you didn’t read to them enough, they watch too much TV…
43-50. These numbers are reserved so I can send a big fuck you to everyone who ever made a mother feel guilty about any of the stuff from #42!
50-100. Of all the ways my life has changed since having kids the best changes are the ones that bring me more amazing memories than I’ve ever experienced. We’re a family. We laugh a little, we cry a little, we yell (a lot) but we always love each other.
I totally and completely love my children and I would trade them in. Oh, sorry, wouldn’t trade them in. Would NOT. Disregard that little slip…
(You didn’t really expect me to end all sappy and serious did you?)