Friday, September 7, 2012

Napkin Mom

The new school year is here. 
This year Grant is starting pre-school.  Which means I’m going to have two mornings ALL TO MYSELF (if you see me wandering aimlessly around town please point me in the right direction).

I’m excited for Grant.  He has always been in Carter’s shadow and now he’ll get to have his own experiences and make some new friends.  My only problem with this whole situation, however, is that new kids means…new moms. 

And meeting new moms can be scary.

When Carter started school he was going in with a group of kids that he already knew and a group of parents who I was already friends with. 

It was comfortable. 

It was comfortable mostly because my friends were aware of the fact that I am the mom who is always late, the mom who doesn’t bake, the mom who occasionally swears and the mom who forgets the presents for all of the birthday parties (J and J, I SWEAR I will get those to you one day!)

But I don’t know one other person in Grant’s class.  So these new moms won’t go into it knowing that I’m the slacker mom. 

I’m going to have to pretend to be, like, a real parent.  Which is just going to be annoying.  Cause I’m no good at acting.

What if they want to have a play date? 

Then I’ll have to be all “I just baked these nice muffins from scratch!” and “Carter and Grant, we use indoor voices when we play, darlings!”

Instead of all “Does your kid like goldfish or cheese-its?” and “For God’s sake boys!  Quit the screaming already!”

And what about the first time a sign-up sheet comes out for a class party?  What if someone doesn’t know that I’ve already called the role of “Napkin Mom” this year?

“Oh hey, you?  You who just wrote your name down next to napkins?  Yeah, well I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but that’s MY job.  You can go put your name down next to cupcakes where it belongs!”

And do I have to try and impress the teacher too?

Carter has the same teacher again this year.  So she’ll be expecting my late night emails saying “Um…what the hell was I supposed to bring for tomorrow’s show and tell again?”

But this new teacher might not be ready for me. 

Like today, she asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to be “Book Mom”.  WTF is “Book Mom”?  Do I want to be that?
Absolutely not. 
I want no additional responsibilities.  I want to drop my kids off, pick them up and then occasionally bring napkins…oh and I’m open to being responsible for plates as well, just to clarify. 

School starts Monday.  This is a lot of pressure for me.

This weekend might be a good time for me to enroll in some sort of “How to Fool People into Thinking you’re a Good Mom” class. 

Wish me luck.


  1. I'm so glad our kids aren't in the same class bc I might have to fight you for the Napkin Mom title. I own that bitch in my kids school! Aww yeeeeah!!!

    And seriously, so glad for other slacker mom's out there. Want to hear the best news (at least I'm hoping it's "best") Bud's aunt (my SIL) is his teacher this year. So not only can I do late night emails but also late night TEXTS! Let's praise all things holy for that one!!!

    1. Aw you bitch! I'm super jealous. My mom used to be a preschool teacher so all my cousins had her. The best story she has is when one of her sisters couldn't find a lunch box so sent my cousin to school with his dads little cooler. And during lunch he pulled a lighter and a bottle cap out of it...

  2. Ohmygod, you're ME. Well, except I bring the paper cups. And I never email teachers late at night because frankly, after they go to bed, I stop thinking about that crap. Other than that, I'm right there with you. *fist bump*

  3. Hey sister! Fist bump right back at ya! I knew there had to be more of us...we should start a "paper products only" mom group. Holla!!

  4. Hello- I'm flower mom. My job is to bring flowers to the classroom ONCE.

    And I did bring 2 bottles of hand soap.
    My main faux paux, however- is slackage on the wedding gift. Oh the shame. A friend was married in April- and I am really pushing that 'year to gift' thing.

    1. Oh I'm bad at wedding gifts as well!! I forgot to bring the gift to a friend's wedding and by the time I mailed it to them the check (which we actually wrote the day of the wedding) couldn't be cashed cause it was too old. We never rewrote it...but they then got divorced so I don't feel too badly..

  5. My son still has a couple years before he starts school but I wanted to thank you for the heads up! Now that I know I will be expected to volunteer for such things, I will be certain to sign up FIRST and bring boxing gloves for back up. I will not be denied the roll as Napkin Mom, Cup Mom, Plate Mom...or whatever Mom doesn't have to cook, bake or pretend that anyone else's child is adorable. Thanks again.