Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What Doesn't Kill Them...

“Eh, it’s not gonna kill them.”
That’s my new parenting motto…I like to set my standards pretty low when it comes to my kids.
I don’t assess situations by normal factors like potential for injury or probability of setting bad habits.  I just ask: Are they going to survive it?  If the answer is yes, then it’s fine.   
I know as a mom I’m supposed to promote the idea of sharing.  When it comes to my food, however, I don’t want to have to share. And me enjoying my own food is not going to kill my kids. It's not my fault you ate your cookie so fast, this is Mommy's cookie and I want it.
I’ve made enough damn sacrifices for you people…I let you LIVE IN MY BODY for nine months!  I think I’ve earned the right to eat the whole bowl of pasta without giving you a bite.
And it doesn’t matter what type of food I’m eating.  They just want it.  I’ve had Grant beg and plead to the point of tears for a bite of my salad.  Dude!  Its lettuce and carrots in a bowl, I don’t even want to be eating it.  If I were holding a Thin Mint I could better understand this behavior. 
I know that you honestly and truly believe you will perish if you don’t get a spoonful of my yogurt.  But let me assure you…it’s not gonna kill you…
Speaking of food, I also let them eat off the floor.  We have dogs so this usually isn’t an issue because food that hits the floor tends to disappear before they can get to it.  Which, actually, makes it worse because if they found it it’s probably been there for quite some time.  How’s that week old granola bar treating ya?  Good?  Good.
When Grant was a baby I used to let him just crawl around under the table after breakfast and enjoy Carter’s discarded Cheerios.  He was entertained.  I didn’t have to clean it up.  Win for all involved.  He probably has a stellar immune system because of this.  So that’s extra not gonna kill him. You’re welcome, kid.
Letting your children run around naked after a bath is not gonna kill them.  Someone should share this information with my neighbors.  One night the boys were doing naked laps around my dining room table screaming “We’re naked!  We’re naked!  We’re so fast when we’re naked!”   
Naturally all of my windows were open and my uptight neighbors were shooting dirty looks at the house.  Hey, sometimes you gotta air out.  I would catch them and stop them but in case you hadn’t heard…they’re so fast when they’re naked.
I use unique discipline methods and I’m really hoping those aren’t gonna kill my kids.  Carter HATES being wet.  The other day he wouldn’t stop banging on something in the kitchen so I took the sprayer from the sink and squirted him. 
On a scale of one to child abuse where do we think this falls?
He apparently thinks it ranks pretty high because he hit the deck and started screaming as if I had just pulled out my sawed off shot gun…
You should have listened to me the first time then.  And getting wet is not gonna kill ya…might scar you for life, but you’ll survive.  And that’s what we’re aiming for. 


  1. I've used the water bottle trick. Aside from the first time, he opens his mouth to try and catch it. Only once did it catch it, and he used the water to spit at me. Motherhood, glamorous motherhood.

  2. I mean, it worked on the dogs when we were training them...

  3. Oh my goodness! My four-year-old daughter does the fast naked run thing!!! Bizarre. She also does naked belly rolls and smacks her own naked bum while chanting, "Bummie, bummie, bummie, bummie, bummie." I have no idea where she gets this stuff from!

    Too funny.

  4. I'm so glad to hear that other people's kids are nudists! Kids love being naked. They LOVE it! LOL