Monday, March 5, 2012

Stop Fighting!

There is nothing in this world so small and insignificant that my children will not fight over it.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that they are both boys or if it has something to do with how close in age they are but it’s like World War 7 in here pretty much all day, every day.  I’m just done hearing screaming followed by things like “Mom!  He hit me with a back hoe loader!”  What?  That doesn’t happen in your house?  If your kids have never hit each other with heavy machinery then they’re amateurs. 
It’s to the point where I don’t even try to figure out what really happened anymore.  I’ll just scream “KNOCK IT OFF!” from the other room and then hope it works itself out...which almost never happens. 
I used to run in and try to referee but it would turn out that they were fighting over who had to be Mickey and who had to be Donald in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse game they were playing.  And is that worth abandoning my coffee sipping and Words With Friends playing for?  Not at all.  That time I just told them to cut it out or I would make them BOTH be Clarabelle (cause really, is she not just the most annoying character on that damn show?)
The things they find upsetting are really comical sometimes.  After lunch they put their plates and cups in the sink.  If someone cleans up someone else’s cup all hell breaks loose. 
“But I wanted to put my OWN cup in there!  DON’T TAKE MY CUP!”  Boys, you are now fighting over doing chores…get a hold of yourselves.
 Actually, I hope that one continues into adolescence.  I’m going to try and promote it. 
“Carter, did you see how fast Grant picked up his room?  You gonna let him get away with that shit?  He’s your LITTLE brother, that’s embarrassing.  Oh my God!  He totally just flipped you off.  Show him what’s up, man!!!”
The best is when they fight over the exact same toy.  Like, literally, the EXACT SAME TOY!  We could have 94 identical fire trucks and those little bastards would both want the same one.  Carter usually wins these battles because he’s...well…I guess most normal mothers would say it’s because he’s “willful” but I’m going to go ahead and say it’s because he’s an asshole. 
One time their aunt brought them two green trucks that she found at a yard sale.  Mirror images of each other except one had batteries in it, and therefore lit up, and one didn’t.  Carter ended up with the non-lighting up variety of truck, figured that out and arranged a trade.
“Grant do you want me to share my truck with you?  Let’s trade.  Here ya go!  It’s fun to share.”
Grant you got hosed, pal! 
The newest fight they have is over who “wins” things.  When we get dressed, someone has to win.  When we go upstairs for bed, someone has to win. 
And of course the non-winner pitches a fit of epic proportion.  And there is no way to stop the screaming because there’s no way to fix the problem. You can’t make someone un-win something.  Either they got to the top of the stairs first or they didn’t.  So I have to tell them that no one won anything.
“No!  No one won.  Carter, you’re not a winner.  Grant, you’re not a winner.  There are NO WINNERS in this house…” 
This will probably be really great for their self-esteem, huh?  Their future coaches/teachers will tell them how well they’re doing and they’ll have to say “No.  My mother has told me my whole life that I am most certainly NOT a winner.”
Ok, my kids fight a lot.  I guess it’s normal when they fight over who wants the blue bowl or which book we should read first.  I get that and I accept that.  But they also fight about stuff like this:
Carter: "Let's pretend that you're Carter and I'm Grant."
Grant: "No, I'm Grant!"
Carter: "No we're pretending you're Carter."
Grant (crying): "I wanna be Grant! Dad...Carter told me I’m Carter!!"
Seriously? For Christ’s sake!  Have you people run out of things to fight about? Doesn't someone want to at least hit someone else so you'll actually be fighting about something real? 
I would stay and finish this blog except I’m currently being informed that Grant’s toe is looking at Carter.  You heard me.  His TOE is LOOKING at Carter.  And this is my life…

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