Thank God

You know how you’re out in a store and you see a kid throwing a huge tantrum over something?  Or you see siblings screaming and smacking each other while together in the carriage?  And the mom looks exasperated and helpless?

If you think: “Man, those kids are AWFUL!  I wish I didn’t have to witness that!” then you don’t have kids who behave like that…and can I have your secret? 

When I see things like this out in public my first thought is: “Thank God!”

Thank God other people have crazy, stubborn, loud, obnoxious kids too.  It makes me feel one thousand percent better knowing I’m not alone.

If you’re the mom of the kid pushing his sister off the slide at the park and you see me smiling at you please know it’s not out of judgment.  It’s out of solidarity.   I would run over and give you a big high five but I think the moms of the well behaved children would be offended by that.

We all know that one of my basic parenting mottos is “Misery Loves Company”.  I had heard this phrase many times in my life but it never hit home as much as it did after I had kids. 

Now I’m always on the lookout for kids who are acting out.  I’m trying to collect evidence indicating that my children are not going to grow up to be psychopaths…

At the beach: That girl just hit her sister over the head with a shovel…YES!

At Target: The boy not getting what he wants is currently throwing things off the shelves…That’s OUTSTANDING!

At the park: That mother has said “Stop it” no less than 57 times and the kids have done no such thing…Woo Hoo!!

These are all signs that point to the fact that kids are just jerks…mine are not special in their jerk-iness-ness.  And that makes me feel much better.

Parenting is so God-awfully hard.  It’s competitive and stressful.  Moms constantly try to out-do each other.  And doesn’t it seem like someone is always trying to tell you how great their kids are on the same day that YOUR kid smeared hand soap all over the bathroom walls?  What we should be trying to out-do each other with is war stories of how awfully behaved our kids are:

“Oh, so you’re kids tease each other?  Do they make up songs to go along with the ridicule?  Cause Carter does.  He sings songs about Grant not getting to have any toys and having to live in the basement.  Do I win?”

The “my kid is wicked super awesome” people are in denial.  I avoid them.  

But hey, You! Mom, of Mr. Sand Thrower over there…can I have your number?  We should hang.

Mom University

I’m opening up a college.  A Mom College. 

Many stay at home moms (myself included) have advanced degrees...but these expensive pieces of paper will not help you when it comes to raising a child.  You need an entirely different type of education for that…

I have a law degree so when I first became a mom I could tell you all about adverse possession and name every amendment in the Bill of Rights. But I didn’t know the difference between Pampers and Huggies and couldn’t swaddle my kid correctly to save my life.

(No, for real.  If someone had held a gun to my head and said “Swaddle that baby the same way the nurses did at the hospital” I would be in serious danger.)

You gain lots of knowledge as you navigate motherhood.

But by the time you figure out what’s going on your child has outgrown that stage and everything you just learned is useless.  And even if you have multiple children chances are pretty good they’ll do things completely differently than your first one.  So the only thing you can do with your knowledge is educate other moms.

Now, I know that many of us took those pre-natal classes offered by the hospitals.  That is not what I’m talking about.

Those tell you about what’s gonna happen before, during and directly after the birth.  Then you have the kid, the hospital pampers you for a few days and then kicks your ass outta there.  I actually think I heard them yell “Welcome to the Parenting Club! Good luck…SUCKER!” as I left.

And then what?  Then you’re on your own, my friend.  And you’ll be enrolling in Mom U.

In the Newborn Semester you’ll learn:

-How to properly pack a diaper bag (Hint: Never, I repeat, NEVER go ANYWHERE without an extra outfit.  I don’t care how quick you think you’ll be)

-How to clean up relatives who INSIST on bouncing the baby around no matter how many times you say “He just ate…”

-How to dodge visitors when you really don’t feel like having any more company (Hint: “We have a doctor’s appointment” is pretty much always a valid excuse when used within the first few weeks.)

-How to successfully caffeinate yourself.  (Hint: Get a Keuirg…this isn’t funny…this is serious.  Get a Keurig.)

Once you graduate to the Toddler Years your lessons will include:

-How to navigate any store while completely avoiding the toy section

-How to bribe your kids (Hint: If you don’t have an emergency lollipop stashed somewhere on your person at all times then you desperately need this class.)

-How to write nice things in their memory book (Hint: You shouldn’t write “Dear Carter, you’re three.  I pretty much want to kill you on a daily basis. Love, Mommy” even though you really, really want to.)

-How to tell the difference between times when you should fight your kids over something ridiculous and times when you should say “F it!” and go open a bottle of wine (Hint: There are very few instances where “A” is the correct answer.)

Our electives will cover such topics as:

-Parenting More Than One Child - What do you mean you bought two of the same toy…IN DIFFERENT COLORS!?!  Rookie mistake.

-How to Keep a Straight Face – You’ll need this course when you go to say things like “Let him flush, it’s his pee…in this house everyone flushes their own pee!”  (You wouldn’t think this would be a fight…you’d be wrong.)

-How to Survive the Teenage Years  - I’m under the impression that they suck but as I have no direct experience I’m currently interviewing candidates to teach this course.

Please join me in this continuous educational endeavor.  I really hope that fellow moms can learn from those who came before them.  We need to use our resources.  We need to have a strategy. 

And we need to know that sometimes just yelling “What the hell are you people doing!” is as good a parenting strategy as any.

(Now accepting applications for Fall 2012)

Why I Drink

If you follow my posts and blog you are no stranger to the fact that I enjoy alcohol.  I do.  I really, really do.  I’m not an alcoholic (that’s what we all say) but I’m unsure if I could function without my wine, margaritas and martinis.  

There are many reasons why I drink and in this post we are going to explore a few of them.  Join me, won’t you?

Well, obviously, there are two main reasons why I drink:

Don't be fooled...we only LOOK innocent and angelic.

Without these two little men I could never live…or justify the amount of alcohol I consume. 

Those cute little bastards fill my days with joy and stress and the need for cocktails.  Here’s why:

Because they love getting haircuts...

Carter, make sure you don't hold still or make this easy in any way, Ok?

Because they eat like this...

Yes! Perfect! That's EXACTLY where I wanted you to put that!

Because they make doing fun things like going to the beach easy...



Enjoying yourself yet?

Because they never make messes...

For real?

Because they do things like this to each other...



Green is your color, Grant.

Because sometimes they look like this...

Awww!!

But most of the time they look like this...





Forcibly trying to remove his brother's head...now that's more like it!

Because I just can't get enough of this face...

So there it is, folks.  An abbreviated list of the reasons why I drink.  Trust me, it could be longer...but I don't always have my camera handy to catch these precious memories.

It's like I always say: Parenting is hard...but tequila helps!



Preschool Non-Graduation

Today was Carter’s end of the year Preschool Program.  He got a little diploma and everything!

So I guess he graduated.  Which I’m kind of confused about because he’s in preschool again next year, so it seems silly to use the word “graduated”. If someone came up to me at the end of my first year of law school and said “Oh hey, you graduated!” and then took it back that person would no longer be with us. 

Regardless, he had his performance today.  For the amount of money it costs to send your child to school these days I had high expectations for a pretty elaborate show. 

(TIME OUT: Did I just use the term “these days”?  That sucks.  People are only supposed to use that term when they’re 90 and are complaining about the cost of milk.  I’ll have to be more careful in the future.)

Clearly I’m having a hard time focusing today…let’s start again…

So Carter had his end of the year preschool graduation (but not really)and I was looking forward to a nice show because nowadays (CRAP!) preschool is expensive. 

The kids were so adorable all lined up in their little chairs ready to perform.  They sang and danced and amused the crowd with their cuteness…oh but wait…not all of the kids did that.

Here’s what Carter did.  The whole time.

 "I'm going to cover my mouth so there is absolutely no chance that any song lyrics will slip out and subsequently make my parents happy."

Now, I find this odd because we all know that kid sings all the time. 

At pick up most parents get reports about how their kid learned the ABCs or drew a lovely butterfly.  I get reports about how my kid serenaded the staff out on the playground with every Jason Aldean song he knows. 

So we spent 10 minutes of our lives watching other people’s kids sing.  But I don’t care that Carter didn’t participate.  He learned other things this year: how to pedal a bike, how to write his name, how to poke other kids in the eye and then claim it was because you love them…

And I learned a lot as a parent this year as well. 

The most important lesson being: If you don’t want to get stuck bringing fruit to the class party you have to be the first to spot the sign-up sheet. 

And I would like to go on record and say that I was able to go an entire year without bringing in one baked good.  Thursday I'm signed up for plates. Yay plates!

I’m going to try to make this habit a tradition...next year I'm thinking of becoming "napkin mom". Avoiding actual cooking/baking/food preparation of any kind will take some effort but it’ll keep me on my toes.  It’s going to be a challenge but that’s just the kind of dedicated mother that I am!

Happy (Non) Graduation Carter!

That's Annoying

Parenthood is annoying.

It can also be wonderful, enjoyable and rewarding.  In between those moments, however, its super annoying. 

But I do have to say, the annoying parts are not always caused by something the kids are doing…although mostly they are...

Here are some things that I’ve encountered during my time as a mother that I’m annoyed by through no fault of my children:

1. Lack of correctly sized children’s clothing

Dear Children’s Clothing Companies,

WHAT THE HELL!

Love, Danielle

Seriously, you people need to cut the crap.  Can someone please explain the difference between 24 months and 2T?  Or a 5 and a 5T?  Those sizes seems like they should be the same damn thing.  They’re not. 

I hate being asked what sizes my kids are. 

Grant is a 2T waist, a 3T length but can fit into 24 month shorts cause there’s no length issue.  He still has some 18-24 month shirts that fit him but also some 3T ones that are too small.  So that’s what he’s wearing these days.  Does that size exist? 

Could all kid’s clothing manufacturers get together and come to some sort of agreement about sizing?

It would be way less annoying.

2.  Lack of childproof paraphernalia that actually keep things childproof

When your baby becomes mobile the first thing you’re supposed to do is run right out to the store and buy locks, latches and gates for every conceivable place in your home. 

Then you’re supposed to sit back and feel responsible because you took the necessary steps towards letting your child safely explore their surroundings.

In reality, all you’ve done is delay the inevitable. 

It’s like in the movies when someone is being chased by the bad guys and the person stops and knocks stuff into their way then keeps running.  The bad guys don’t see that and say “Cardboard boxes! How will we ever get around these? Never mind.  Let’s just give up and go home.”

If your baby wants to climb the stairs they will find a way to tear down the gate…or it will get to the point where they’re able to simply climb over it and flip you off from the other side. 

I put latches on my kitchen drawers which held through a couple of good tugs…but which gave in at tug 537.  My kids are not quitters. 

They figured out the trick to the lock on the snack cabinet in no time.  And the knob I put on the bathroom door?  They didn’t even attempt to find the trick to that one…they simply removed it.  Problem solved.  I would constantly find them playing with the pieces of it…in the toilet.

So sorry to be the one to break the news but there is no such thing as “childproof”.

It’s like Santa.  You believe in it when you’re a young, new parent.  But you eventually find out it’s a load a crap. 

And that realization is annoying.

3.  Lack of toys that don’t make noise

Did I miss the meeting where everyone in the world got together and decided that all toys created after a certain point HAD to make some form of noise?

There is no place in my house I can step without setting off an alarm, bell, whistle or siren. 

And what’s with those puzzles that are light activated? Anyone else have those? 

So if a piece is missing and the sun happens to hit it the thing just keeps going off.  I once walked around my house for 20 minutes checking if there was a stray cat somewhere because I was hearing random meowing. 

Things that parents appreciate: Quiet

Things parents rarely get to hear: Quiet

Not everything has to sing.  And if something does, in fact, have to sing please make it come with an off switch.  And make it have some volume option other than “Ear-piercingly, mind-numbingly loud”.

Oh, and as a note to my childless friends…stop giving my kids loud horns, drum sets and electric guitars.  Because someday you will have children.  And pay back is a bitch.  So I will go out of my way to find the loudest, craziest, most noise making toys they make and gift them to your future offspring. 

And that will be annoying.

Three Hour Tour

“Mom can we go for a bike ride?”

Damn.  Think fast.  Think of ANY possible reason we can’t go for a bike ride.  Is it raining? I wish it were raining.  Why isn’t it raining!

In theory I would love to go for a bike ride.  He could pedal along and get some exercise.  And I would take Grant in the stroller and follow along behind.  We could explore the neighborhood and make some new memories.  We would have the best time.

The reality of the bike ride, however, is so much different.  It’s like Gilligan’s Island…you think you’re just going for a quick ride around the block, but actually you better bring a snack, cause you’re gonna be gone longer than you thought... 

First we have to get the helmet on just right.  Did you hear me? Just. Right.  Failure to properly situate the pads on the head results in our bike riding mission being sabotaged before we even look at the bike.

After I get the helmet on I have to fight with Grant.  Because my 2 year old doesn’t want to just WATCH his brother ride a bike.  He also wants to ride one.  But as he is currently incapable of this task I have to reason with (bribe) him to get in the stroller instead.  Sometimes he goes quietly, but most times he screams for half a block…so peaceful!

Next the boys fight over whether we’re turning right or left out of our driveway.  Carter usually wins this fight cause he’ll just take off in the direction he chose and we are forced to follow (he’s an ass).

Well, we’re off.

The first time we got to this point I thought we would be around the block in no time.  Then I was introduced to “scratching time”.

What is scratching time, you ask? Oh, let me tell you.

Apparently Carter’s helmet is itchy.  So he’ll ride about five feet and then slam on the brakes and yell “Scratching time!”  Then he’ll sit in the middle of the sidewalk and stick his fingers up under the helmet for a minute (a full minute) until scratching time is over. 

The fun thing about scratching time is you never know when it’s gonna come.  It’s not a regularly scheduled thing.  It can happen anywhere…like in the middle of a crosswalk, for example.  Then you have to look apologetically at the car that was dumb enough to let you cross and try to explain to them about scratching time.

The only thing worse than when he wants to ride his bike is when he wants to ride his scooter.  He scoots for 12 seconds and then tells me he’s tired.  He just can’t go on. 

Then I turn into the crazy lady screaming at her kid to move.  I get a lot of “Wow, you’re so MEAN” looks from passing cars when this happens.  Hey, pal, unless you know the joys of scratching time I don’t need your judgment right now!

Clearly at this point I have to carry the scooter…and push the stroller. 

Today Carter kept running ahead of me so it must have looked like he was by himself to some drivers.  At one point he ran to the corner of our street and loudly yelled “SCRATCHING TIME!”

He then proceeded to scratch…his balls.

So there is this three year old, still wearing his helmet, standing on a corner scratching his junk.  And no mom in sight.  It must have looked like he just escaped from a kiddie mental hospital.

Silly me! I though scratching time only involved the head.  Learn something new every day, right?

F'ing Friday

I hate today. 

My hatred of today started last night.  The kids didn’t nap and then were both up several times throughout the night crying for no reason. 

I hate crying for no reason.

I knew they were both going to be exhausted.  And exhausted means cranky.  And I was right…they suck today. 

They both cried and whined from 6am to 8am without any break.  You know it’s gonna be a good day when on his way out the door to work your husband says:

“Bye, hun.  Love you.  Um…good luck with the kids today.”

 Yeah, alright! Enjoy work ya big asshole!

I decided that maybe playing outside would be a good idea.  Fresh air and all that.  It became less of a good idea when it took us FORTY FIVE MINUTES to get ready to go out and play in OUR BACKYARD. 

They needed a snack.  Then they needed a drink.  People! You walk down a flight of stairs and you’re there, you don’t need sustenance for this.

“Mom can we have a drink of water? Can we have a drink of water? Can we? Can you get it?”

For future reference "Can we have a drink of water" means:

"Get up RIGHT NOW and get us a drink of water or we’ll get it ourselves and make an f'ing river in the kitchen, Bitch!"

After I cleaned that up they needed sunscreen, hats, and to use the potty.  Grant didn’t like his shoes.  Then Carter didn’t like his underwear…HIS UNDERWEAR…he had to go change it.

We finally got out there and as I’m walking around picking up dog poop (Glamour, Glamour, Everywhere!) I hear them screaming their heads off about some car that they both wanted to play with.

We have no less than 75,000 cars and trucks in my house, and yes some are cooler than others.  But the one they were fighting over was a stupid little matchbox car.

This:

Caused this:

At which point I told them if they didn’t stop fighting over that car I was going to eat it.

Which caused this:

It was at this moment in my day that I received a call from…my gyno.  Oh, hi. I don’t want to talk to you at all. When your kids are being jerks the last thing you want to do is talk to the person who gave them to you!

I eventually got them settled down enough to eat lunch.  Things seemed to be going better until Carter slipped and fell on his bum.  Then he started screaming “Kiss my bum! I want you to kiss my bum!”

Huh.  That’s funny.  Cause I’ve been thinking the exact same thing ALL DAY. 

F’ing Friday!