Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Mom University

I’m opening up a college.  A Mom College. 

Many stay at home moms (myself included) have advanced degrees...but these expensive pieces of paper will not help you when it comes to raising a child.  You need an entirely different type of education for that…

I have a law degree so when I first became a mom I could tell you all about adverse possession and name every amendment in the Bill of Rights. But I didn’t know the difference between Pampers and Huggies and couldn’t swaddle my kid correctly to save my life.

(No, for real.  If someone had held a gun to my head and said “Swaddle that baby the same way the nurses did at the hospital” I would be in serious danger.)

You gain lots of knowledge as you navigate motherhood.

But by the time you figure out what’s going on your child has outgrown that stage and everything you just learned is useless.  And even if you have multiple children chances are pretty good they’ll do things completely differently than your first one.  So the only thing you can do with your knowledge is educate other moms.

Now, I know that many of us took those pre-natal classes offered by the hospitals.  That is not what I’m talking about.

Those tell you about what’s gonna happen before, during and directly after the birth.  Then you have the kid, the hospital pampers you for a few days and then kicks your ass outta there.  I actually think I heard them yell “Welcome to the Parenting Club! Good luck…SUCKER!” as I left.

And then what?  Then you’re on your own, my friend.  And you’ll be enrolling in Mom U.

In the Newborn Semester you’ll learn:

-How to properly pack a diaper bag (Hint: Never, I repeat, NEVER go ANYWHERE without an extra outfit.  I don’t care how quick you think you’ll be)

-How to clean up relatives who INSIST on bouncing the baby around no matter how many times you say “He just ate…”

-How to dodge visitors when you really don’t feel like having any more company (Hint: “We have a doctor’s appointment” is pretty much always a valid excuse when used within the first few weeks.)

-How to successfully caffeinate yourself.  (Hint: Get a Keuirg…this isn’t funny…this is serious.  Get a Keurig.)

Once you graduate to the Toddler Years your lessons will include:

-How to navigate any store while completely avoiding the toy section

-How to bribe your kids (Hint: If you don’t have an emergency lollipop stashed somewhere on your person at all times then you desperately need this class.)

-How to write nice things in their memory book (Hint: You shouldn’t write “Dear Carter, you’re three.  I pretty much want to kill you on a daily basis. Love, Mommy” even though you really, really want to.)

-How to tell the difference between times when you should fight your kids over something ridiculous and times when you should say “F it!” and go open a bottle of wine (Hint: There are very few instances where “A” is the correct answer.)

Our electives will cover such topics as:

-Parenting More Than One Child - What do you mean you bought two of the same toy…IN DIFFERENT COLORS!?!  Rookie mistake.

-How to Keep a Straight Face – You’ll need this course when you go to say things like “Let him flush, it’s his pee…in this house everyone flushes their own pee!”  (You wouldn’t think this would be a fight…you’d be wrong.)

-How to Survive the Teenage Years  - I’m under the impression that they suck but as I have no direct experience I’m currently interviewing candidates to teach this course.

Please join me in this continuous educational endeavor.  I really hope that fellow moms can learn from those who came before them.  We need to use our resources.  We need to have a strategy. 

And we need to know that sometimes just yelling “What the hell are you people doing!” is as good a parenting strategy as any.

(Now accepting applications for Fall 2012)


  1. I failed the How to Keep a Straight Face course last week when I told Gage: "How would you like it if Grandpa farted on you and then laughed about it?"

    My degree is in agriculture education - tweens and teens. Call me in 10 years. :)

    1. Yeah that's a tough one...I think even the most seasoned veteran would have had a hard time with that. I'm sure you gave it your best effort though.

  2. Excellent! I totally think my master's program will accept at least one of these classes toward my degree! Sign me up!!!

  3. Awesome!!
    Some teenage experience here. Best advice: LISTEN. Just listen. If they know your there, that they can vent on you, that you will love them regardless of all the mistakes they WILL make... It'll be ok.