Before I Had Kids

Before you have kids you have a lot of expectations of what life will be like after you have kids.  Mostly you think life will be the exact same except you’ll have a kid.  You’re wrong.

Before my little blessings (?) came into my life I had a few ideas of how I was going to raise my children.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I was a shithead. 

I would really like to have a conversation with my pre-kid self and straighten out a few things…here are some topics I might cover:

Overall

Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t think parenting is going to be that difficult.”

Me Now: “You are clearly unaware of the amount of wine you’re going to be drinking.”

Punctuality

Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t understand why people with kids are always late to things.  I feel like they just use that as an excuse.  Just start getting ready earlier.”

Me Now: “You can start getting yourself and your baby ready precisely nine hours before you need to walk out the door and the kid will wait until three seconds before that time to blow out a diaper.  Oh and also you’re gonna want to go change cause your milk is leaking through that top.  But nothing else fits you cause you just had a baby so you’re gonna need at least 15 minutes to sit down and cry about that fact before you’re ready to go.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s a newborn.  What about when they’re older?  Then you just dress them and run out the door.”

Me Now: “Let me get you acquainted with the two year old who refuses to wear pants.  You spend 20 minutes wrestling those friggin pants onto his contorted little body but the second you let go he rips them off again.  You do this several times before you say forget this shit and try to get his pants-less ass into the car anyway. But by that time he’s kicking and screaming so much that you can’t even pick him up.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s when you just tell him in a firm voice to put his pants on.”

Me Now: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  Bitch, you don’t know what’s coming!”

Listening Skills

Pre-Kid Me: “My kids are going to listen to me; they aren’t going to be allowed to argue or say no to me.”

Me Now: “My GOD you’re a douche! Why hasn’t anybody slapped you yet?”

Pre-Kid Me: “Well really, it’s not hard.  If you want them do something they’ll just do it if you’re a good parent.”

Me Now: “I can’t wait until the first time your oldest, who I have a feeling is going to be very head-strong, refuses to take a nap and all you want to do is watch last night’s Law & Order SVU on your DVR.  And you tell him over and over to stay in his bed but he says no and keeps getting up and not listening to you.  And then you cry and call your mother.”

Nutrition

Pre-Kid Me: “My kids will never eat cookies for breakfast!”

Me Now: “Ah, yeah they will.”

Giving In

Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to give in to my kids just because it’s easier.”

Me Now: “Yeah ok fine, you’re not gonna give in every time, sometimes you’ll stand your ground and make your point.  But sometimes it’s the end of a long day and you don’t really give a crap if they want to make a fort out of your couch cushions and then eat a whole box of Cheeze-its under there 20 minutes before dinner.”

Pre-Kid Me: “No, that’s not going to happen.”

Me Now: “Woman! Do you think I made that story up?”

Composure

Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to be one of those crazy frazzled moms you see who scream at their wild misbehaving children.”

Me Now: “Actually, you’re gonna be the Poster Mom for that.”

Pre-Kid Me: “No, I’m not going to have to scream to get my kids to stop doing something.  I’ll just get down on their level and explain why we don’t do that.”

Me Now: “I seriously feel you are ill-prepared for this line of work.”

Temper Tantrums

Pre-Kid Me: “I will never go out of my way to avoid my child throwing a tantrum. If my kids throw a tantrum I’ll simply ignore it until they calm down.”

Me Now: “On May 29, 2013 you will be driving your kids home from school and they will both want to go a different way home.  Knowing that whichever way you pick you are inevitably screwed, you decide to drive down the street with the Buick Skylark first and then loop around and drive down the street with the two hills before continuing on your way home.  You will do this just to keep everyone happy. You will then enjoy lunchtime in peace instead of having to listen to relentless screaming.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Oh my GOD! I will never ever do that!”

Me Now: “Just happened.  Fact.”

Pre-Kid Me: “Shit.”

Me Now: “Right? I know.”

Pre-Kid Me: “What the hell happened to me?”

Me Now: “Honey, you had kids…”