Friday, February 1, 2013

Top Ten Ways to Tell if You're a Mom

Are you a mom?  Are you unsure? 

Sometimes it’s hard to tell. 

At first I was a little confused about where I fell on the mom spectrum…but I’ve done a lot of research on the subject and I now feel pretty confident in my ability to spot a fellow mom.  If you’re having trouble answering the mom or not question with any degree of certainty, look no further!  Just read the following signs and see if any (or all) of them apply to you.  This should help you figure out your mom status.

Ready?  Ok.  Top ten signs you might be a mom: (you might wanna take notes)

10. If you’ve been meaning to talk to your doctor about that weird growth that has suddenly attached itself to your leg/ass area, but you then realize it has arms and a head and calls you “Mom”…you might be a mom.

9. If your bathroom is the most popular room in the house and you’re considering selling tickets so that even MORE people can watch you pee…you might be a mom.

8. If, while you’re out by yourself, you spot a cool dump truck and you automatically say “Hey!  Look at that cool dump truck over there!”…you might be a mom.

7. You might be a mom if you read #8 and thought “What the hell does ‘out by yourself’ mean.

6. If a friend asks:

 “Oh my God, did you hear about that big fire/car accident/earthquake/scandal on the news today?”

And your response is:

“If it didn’t happen on Disney Junior then I didn’t hear about it”…then you absolutely might be a mom.

5. If you’ve ever put the milk back in the cabinet and the cereal back in the fridge…you are probably a mom.

4. If someone asks if that’s dried snot or mashed banana on your shirt and you have to say “I don’t know” because you’re really just not sure…you might be a mom.

3. If you’re a mom you know that the food pyramid is missing a key food group called “Necessities”.  This category includes coffee, wine, chocolate and any combination of the aforementioned items.

2. If you’re yoga pants have categories (everyday use, working out, dressy)…you might be a mom.  Related: If you “save” the good, non-stained pair for days when you might run in to someone important…your mom status is all but confirmed.

And the surest way to tell if you are, in fact, a mother:

1. You secretly wish that anyone who has ever given your child a loud, obnoxious toy would immediately come down with an incurable STD…on their face.

I hope that I’ve been able to help at least a few of you determine where you stand on the motherhood scale.  The transition from non-mom to mom can be a scary time in a woman’s life, filled with doubt. 

And if, after reading this list, you are still unsure if you’re a mom or not…ask your kids…

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