Monday, February 4, 2013

Facts About Kids


So, I woke up this morning and thought “Hey!  It’s been a while since I’ve scared the shit out of all my childless readers.  I’m going to put that on my to-do list today!”

And, unlike every other thing I have on my to-do list today, I actually remembered to do this one!  Lucky you!

Today we’re going to discuss facts about kids.  There are certain truths in parenting that exist no matter who you are; doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, if you’re black or white, if you parent like Mother-of-the-Year or if you parent more like…well…me.  No one can escape the reality of these situations.  Ready for a glimpse into your future?  Let’s roll.

Ok, the first thing you have to know about kids is they run on their own time. 

They do not now, nor will they ever, take your schedule into consideration.  If you planned a play date, a doctor’s appointment, a trip to the park etc. during the afternoon your child will almost certainly take an extra-long nap that day which will run over into your scheduled activity. They can somehow sense that you have somewhere to be and take immense pleasure out of their ability to ‘eff with you. 

Conversely, if you plan to sit on the couch and catch up on some shows you’ve had on the DVR for months those bastards will close their eyes for 20 minutes and wake up raring to go!

And there is nothing you can do about any of this. 

Sorry.  You’ll think you can.  You’ll think you can mess with their sleep schedule and come out a winner but that’s a fool’s bet.  If you put them to bed early, they will wake up early.  If you put them to bed late…they will wake up early.  That’s just a fact.

Another fact is no matter how smart your offspring is when you are alone with them they will never demonstrate their impressive skills while in the company of others. Your child may be able to recite Hamlet…in Latin…yet will suddenly forget how to recite his own name if you attempt to make him do it in public. 

On the flip side of that, a kid will freely talk about stuff that happens in your home that you would rather they NOT repeat in public.  If, for example, your husband accidentally hits your son in the face with a toy car he will go into school with a black eye and, when asked what happened, will say “Daddy did it!”

There are lots of things you'll say/yell/scream at the top of your lungs and no matter how many times you repeat yourself your child will always ignore you completely.  For example, saying "Don't touch that" is like putting up a huge blinking neon sign that says "YOU MUST TOUCH ME!" and then covering it in glitter and puppies and candy.

Here’s another helpful tip that I have:  If your kids are being quiet GO FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING!  It’s almost never good.

Occasionally, however, kids will sit nicely and quietly...maybe they’re watching a movie and are relaxed and content.   You might think that would be a good time to take a quick shower.  But no matter how quietly they were sitting, the second you step into the shower and get that soap in your hair all hell will inevitably break loose. 

Know that movie ‘Field of Dreams’?  And the whole “If you build it, they will come” thing?  Well there’s a phrase like that I use when referring to my kids.  It goes “If you’re eating, they will find you”, no matter how sneaky you think you’re being… and then you’ll have to share…or fight them off. 

Oh, and a quick note about playthings: the second you throw out/give away an old, unused toy will be the exact second they discover that’s the ONE TOY they can no longer live without.

Fact:  If you do everything for your children they will never become independent.  Other Fact:  Everything in your life will now take nine times as f’ing long.

Then you’ll come to the part in your life when your kids are potty trained.  And you don’t need to carry around all that extra diaper stuff.  Hooray!  But be warned, your fully trained, completely accident free toddler will choose the ONE TIME you leave the house without back up clothes to pee himself…at the library…during circle time.

My last pearl of wisdom goes out to the formerly childless but currently relatively new parents.  If, by some miracle of life, you have the opportunity to get all dolled up and go out do not…I repeat DO NOT…go near the baby right before you walk out the door.  Your precious little bundle will take that opportunity to puke on you.  Every. Time. Blow that kid a kiss and run like hell!

There you go, my friends! I hope I’ve been able to open your eyes to some of the, um, joys (?) of parenthood.  These are just the facts, don’t shoot the messenger.  In fact, get the messenger a cocktail; she worked hard to bring you all this information!

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  1. Also...step away from the baby in your work clothes in the morning!! Another hilarious post!

  2. I have a big walk in pantry. I often eat in there with the lights out and the door shut. I don't share food well.

    Votes up to 150 now thanks to me! You're welcome!