Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Death By Valentines

I used to not mind Valentine’s Day.

Then my kids went to school. 

Now I swear to God I know how I’m going to die…it’s going to be death by Valentine.  Itty, bitty, Disney Pixar Cars themed Valentines.

Last year Carter could barely write his name.  But he was three and almost no one in his class could write their name yet.  So naturally all the moms signed the Valentines and life went on as scheduled.

(Except you know there’s always that one kid with great penmanship who makes you think he might be a ringer. I hope he’s secretly 6 and has been held back in pre-school for the past three years simply to make the rest of us feel badly about our child’s name writing ability.)

Well, this year is different, the kid who can write his name amazingly well is the rule and Carter, the kid who writes “Ca” and then gets tired and walks away, is the exception.  In fact, this year they are learning how to write their last names as well, and clearly “Jefferson” is too long for him.  So when he signs his name he simply writes “Jeff”.  That’s it.  No time for this “erson” bullshit.

It’s not that he can’t do it…it’s just that he lacks the patience to do pretty much anything he’s not great at on his first try.  Why, oh why didn’t we name him Ca Jeff?!?!

He also has issues keeping all the letters the same size. 

So the “C” looks like this: c and the “R” looks like this: r

Anyway, I knew this was going to be a struggle.  Knowing this, however, did not make me take steps to lessen the fallout.  I let the kids pick out their own Valentines and didn’t pay any attention to their size.  Needless to say, we ended up with ones where the spot you write your name is as big as your thumbnail. 

Awesome.  I’m sure your giant, life-sized “C” will fit just fine in that space, Cart!

I’m f’ed for sure.

We began the process of writing his name.  He really surprised me on the first couple…he actually did a decent job!  But then on about the fourth one (that didn’t take long) the whining started.  So every one after that looked as if the dog may have signed it. 
The first one...not too shabby!
The 4th one...we're getting a little distracted...
The 6th one...the return of "Ca".

Of course in my mind I’m thinking:

Shit!  I should have been more strategic!  I should have had him do the moms I don’t know first so those would be the good ones.  Then I could have given the crap ones to my friends who already know my kid sucks at writing!

Next year I’m doing that for sure. 

After fighting with him for the better part of the morning I realized something else that sucked…these Valentine’s came with tattoos. 
And you had to cut each one out individually.  And then insert those teeny, tiny little mother f*#ckers into equally teeny tiny slits in the piece of shit card that was already remarkably small to begin with.

Screw you Disney Pixar Annoying Cars Valentines! 

Well, sorry kids, I’m not doing that.  You’ll have to live without these tattoos that your mother, if she’s anything like me, will probably throw out anyway. 

I had made up my mind.  Until I saw this:

Wow, really?  Have I said screw you Disney Pixar Annoying Cars Valentines lately?  I have?  Well, have I said you're so stupid  Disney Pixar I Hate Your Guts Cars Valentines? 

Why would you write that! Just to trap us mothers into including the tattoo?  Now if it's not there other mothers are going to know I screwed their kid out of something.
What’s it to you anyway Disney Pixar Piece of Crap Cars Valentines?  I already bought the damn cards.  What do you frigging care what I then do with the .05 cent prize included? 

Next year my kids are going to be sick on Valentine’s Day. 

**If you liked what you just read please take a second to vote for me in the Circle of Moms funny mom blog contest.  It's quick and painless...unlike raising children, oddly enough...**



  1. Hilarious! Also, totally been voting ;)

  2. Thankfully my son's name only has 4 letters otherwise we'd TOTALLY only get two letters out of him! But we didn't completely escape the laziness. He'll usually refuse to write them after about the 5th one. He'll get all dramatic and flop on the floor and say he's "soooooooo tired for ALL THIS WRITING!! OMG I'm a whiny little baby!" (Ok, maybe I added the last part, but the first part he totally says!) And he's in first grade now and STILL writes some letters super huge and others itty bitty.

    Also, thanks because we plan to write their valentine cards tonight when I get home from work and now I'm looking forward to it even more! Where's my rum?

    Also again, email me (momnextdoorblog@gmail.com) bc I don't have your email address and how can I go back and forth with you if you don't attach your email address to your comments? Sigh. My life is hard yo.

    Also again again, TOTALLY loved your instagram to me last night! You rock sister!

  3. Also again again again, THANK YOU for removing the word verify thing! I love you even more now! :-)