Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Men's V-Day Gift Buying Guide

Don’t you just love love?  I mean, within moderation of course.  I could do without the teenagers groping each other and getting their braces stuck together on the bench at the mall.  But other than that I’m a total love fan. 
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I just wanted to send out a little note to my husband about what he should, and should not, think about getting me this year.  Hunny, just read the following and you should be all set, ok? 
Rule 1: Don’t buy me chocolate:
I don’t need to have it in the house.  It’ll just be temptation and you know I’m trying to be healthier these days.  Plus, those heart boxes are so cheesy.  And honestly I don’t even LIKE those chocolates all that much.  They only contain two or three pieces of edible confections…the rest we all just bite and reject.
Rule 2:  Don’t NOT buy me chocolate:
What?  You don’t think I need the calories?  Do you think I’m fat?  I can’t believe you didn’t buy me chocolate because you clearly think I’m fat!  You’re such as asshole!
Rule 3:  Don’t make dinner reservations:
It’s so much hassle finding a sitter these days.  And we’ll probably end up with, like, a 9:30 reservation at a table underneath the bar.  Plus, at the end of the day I’m too exhausted to try and get all dolled up to go out.  A nice dinner at home is just as special!  I don’t need a big excursion.
Rule 4:  Don’t NOT make dinner reservations:
Wow, you didn’t even make an effort to make this day special for us?  I like to leave the house once in a while, ya know.  I have a lot of clothes I never get to wear…and HEELS!  I want to wear my heels somewhere!  But, no, making a dinner reservation would require some forethought.  Couldn’t you at least TRY to be romantic and spontaneous once in a while?
Rule 5:  Don’t buy me flowers:
They jack up the prices so ridiculously this time of year that it’s not really worth it.  And they’re just going to die anyway.  I know you love me without you having to go to the trouble of standing in line at the florist!
Rule 6:  You could at least buy me flowers:
So what if they’re a little more expensive!  How many times a year do you actually buy me flowers?  Take all the money you saved by NOT buying me flowers for any other occasion during the year and shell out the additional cash.  Our love isn’t worth an extra twenty bucks to you?  I see where I stand…
Rule 7:  Buy me sexy lingerie:
It could be fun!  And I love the thought of you all awkward and embarrassed in Victoria’s Secret trying to guess what size bra I am!
Rule 8:  Do NOT buy me sexy lingerie:
God!  All men are the same.  You only have one thing on your mind.  Romance isn’t always about SEX!  Pig!
And the most important rule that you, my darling husband, and all other men should swear by this time of year…
Rule 9:  Do not buy me expensive jewelry.
Unless, of course, you want me to have very large amounts of sex with you while wearing my sexy lingerie, eating my chocolates and skipping our dinner reservations…but that’s completely up to you.
So you see, if all guys would just follow these simple, straight forward rules everyone would have a very happy Valentine’s Day!


  1. I don't know about your husband but I've got mad love for you! These guidelines are just about perfect!

    (And with my love fully disclosed I feel I am within my right to say, Dude, get rid of your word verification thingy. It's a pain in the ass!)

    1. I have no idea that that is...but I just clicked on "No" in my settings so that should help?

      Keep the love coming darlin', I'll always have a girl crush on you...unless of course it's a conference hockey game...

  2. I have a Valentines rule. The rule is that I won't make dinner reservations if my wife would cook for once! And I don't mean buying some pasta sauce and pouring it over some noodles. That is not cooking.

    1. Wait...she'll have to BOIL the water too! That exhausting. Especially if you have to do it with one hand cause your other one is holding your wine glass...at least that's how I cook...