Friday, October 19, 2012


Dear Mom,

I thought it was time we had a little chat.  I know for a fact that people in the workplace receive performance reviews from time to time and I don’t see why we shouldn’t start applying that policy to our home. 

You’ve been employed here for 4 years and overall I think your efforts are satisfactory.  There is, however, one area where I feel there is room for improvement…and that is time management. 

I frequently hear you state that you don’t have time to complete your tasks, that there aren’t enough hours in the day, that you can’t “drop everything” to meet my demands.  This attitude is simply unacceptable. 

When I make a request there needs to be nothing more important going on in your life.  It’s not my fault that you’re in the middle of doing the dishes or folding the laundry.  Those are tasks that need to be completed on “your time”.  When you’re on my time I expect efficiency. 

When I say “I want a snack” that is what I want.  I don’t see how I can be any more clear.   I didn’t say I want a snack “when you’re done” or “when you get around to it”, did I?  The number of times I have to repeat myself in order to be heard is ridiculous.  How can we run a household with such a lack of respect for each other?  When you go to the hospital do the doctors say “I’ll save your life…when I get a chance”?  No.  They do not.  And this is the exact same scenario. 

Remember that time I needed the TV louder and you were using the potty?  And I had to literally bang on the door and scream for, like, two whole minutes until you did what I asked?  These are the kind of situations that I’m talking about.  If you had better time management skills you would have been able to pee and turn up the volume simultaneously. 

Now, I know you are a big fan of this “patience” thing.  You keep asking for it to be implemented in our day to day operations here at the house.  I don’t know what your previous employer’s policies were regarding this issue but I can tell you right off the bat we don’t operate like that here.  Stop sending out memos about it as they are simply ignored. 

And for the record, you are not allowed to punish your children for taking matters into our own hands.  Take this morning, for example.  I know you heard Grant’s request for Cheerios but you were just “too busy” taking a shower to comply.  So you can’t be surprised to learn that I took care it for you.  To be honest, I’m getting a little sick of picking up the slack around here.

I could reach the cereal and I could reach the spoons.  If you want us to eat out of bowls then you'll have to be more attentive now won't you?

So to sum things up: It would be greatly appreciated if you could find a way to meet all requests at the exact moment they are made.  Now means now, after all.  And that is when I want things.  Now.  Right now.   

Glad we had this talk.

The Management

1 comment:

  1. HILARIOUS! My favorite line? "When you’re on my time I expect efficiency."


    Oh, and at least they ate out of the box. Bud likes to pour the cereal on the floor, I mean the in the bowl and the pour the milk on the floor, I mean the bowl. I'm thinking that the Big Daddy idea with the squirt bottle milk jug is ingenious!