Tuesday, December 6, 2011

He Sees You When You're Sleeping...

Christmas time.  A time for love, laugher, family & friends.  A time to appreciate what you have.  But above all…a time when you can threaten the hell out of your children and get away with it.
Parents wait all year for the opportunity to tell their kids that Santa is watching.  Before I had children I thought this was an absurd idea.  Why can’t they just listen and do what they're told.  MY kids were NOT going to need to be threatened in order to behave.
I’ve since come to the realization that children, especially toddlers, are unwilling to cut the shit on their own and must be scared into submission on a regular basis. 
So I introduced the idea of Santa. Carter didn’t really buy it at first. 
We were standing in the kitchen at the time.  I told him to knock off whatever he was doing because Santa could see him.  He looked at me skeptically, walked into the living room and screamed: “CAN HE SEE ME NOW?”
No, hun, it’s just in the kitchen.  Do whatever you like in the rest of the house but watch your ass in the kitchen…cause he’ll getcha! Clearly I had some work to do on the Santa front.
I needed to call in reinforcements so we procured the newest weapon in the parent Christmas arsenal… “The Elf on the Shelf”. 
Basically you name the thing, you tell your kids he’s a spy for Santa and then you move him around your house every night so your kids think he comes to life when they’re not looking. 
Is this Christmas or Halloween?  Cause the idea of a doll that comes to life at night and rats you out while you sleep must be absolutely terrifying to children.  And…well…that’s why it works.
Here’s my problem:  What are all of us parents supposed to do on December 26th? 
Ok, kids, glad you’ve been decent for the past month and you got everything you wanted for Christmas.  But now I guess you guys can continue your reign of terror cause no one’s watching but us moms and dads.  And we all know how effective we are at getting you to act appropriately.  I just can’t wait until next December when you have another month of moderately acceptable behavior! Hooray!
Fellow parents, I say we don‘t just take it laying down this year.  This year we fight back!  Who says an elf is the only doll that can come to life and mess with our kids heads…
After Christmas I’m going to introduce my kids to the “New Year’s Nymph”.  Yeah, if you’re not good…he…um…he visits you on New Year’s Day and gives you THE WORST hangover you’ve ever had!  You want that?  Huh? Do you? Didn’t think so.  Now eat your God damn vegetables.
Next comes the “Leprechaun on the Landing”.  Now, there is one bad dude!  If you throw too many temper tantrums then you don’t get ANY beer on St. Patrick’s Day!  (Actually, I may use that one on my husband instead…)
This is going to take a lot of thought and creativity.  But I’m willing to put in the work.  Because, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know how to parent without scare tactics. 
Watch your back, kids.  Mommy’s gunnin' for ya.

1 comment:

  1. The Elf on the Shelf is a Narc. Liam hated him! Good stuff.