We waited. We suffered. We bitched a lot…a real lot. But now I think it’s safe to say that it’s finally here…SPRING!
If you’re a parent who has been stuck in the house with your kids all winter long spring seems like the second coming.
“OH MY GOD…SUN! Kids, get the hell outside right now!”
But while there are many things to celebrate about spring there are some not so fun aspects that put a little bit of a damper on my enjoyment of the season.
I’m sorry to bring them up…I know I should just be thankful that warmer weather is on the horizon. But I’ve always looked at the glass as half empty…especially if it was a wine glass…and also I’d like a refill.
Anyway, here are a few of the things I find annoying about springtime:
Yes, I know. The weather is the whole reason why spring is awesome. It’s warmer, right? Except if you live somewhere like the Northeast.
It was sunny but windy and 30 degrees on Saturday…75 and gorgeous on Tuesday…46 and pouring rain on Thursday and on today sleet is in the forecast. That’s right, sleet. In April.
I get that the weather changes and all that crap but guess who doesn’t get that? My kids.
“Can we play outside with the water and buckets today?”
“No, it’s too cold out.”
“But we did that yesterday!”
“I know. But Mother Nature is a sadistic little bitch who can’t make up her damn mind and likes to torture everyone around her just for kicks.”
And of course the kids simply take no for an answer and go about their merry way and don’t do things like whine and scream and threaten to call the police on me.
Aren’t animals so cute? Mine are…from like November to March.
Then the warm weather comes and do you know what people like to do in the warm weather? Go for walks. Know what my dogs go friggin’ ballistic over? People walking by my house.
And I don’t have the type of dogs who stop barking when you tell them to. I have the type of dogs who will bark themselves into a coma before they’ll allow someone to be within a 75 foot radius of my house.
Barking at people does not get old to them. And it doesn’t matter how far away the person is. If someone a few blocks over starts thinking about maybe heading in this direction my dogs will know about it.
Sometimes they’ll be barking and I can’t see anyone even CLOSE to my house but 5 minutes later…there they are. Did you dogs get out your little doggy binoculars to see that person? Doing some quick neighborhood recon?
Dog 1: “Hey, hey! Get over here…there’s a person a half mile away from the house. Heading northeast at approximately 1.9 miles per hour.”
Dog 2: “Should we wait till she gets closer ooooor…”
Dog 1: “No, man, we gotta start now. We’re the only line of defense between that grandma and this yard. You want grandma taking over your house? Do you? DO YOU!?! Start barking on three. One…two…”
And you…you walking the other dog? You are the worst. MUST you walk extra slowly by my front yard? Do you HEAR the commotion you are causing? Move it along, your dog can stop and smell every blade of grass at someone else’s house.
I don’t think this con of nice weather needs to be explained any further. Shaving sucks. I get a 10 minute window to shower where my kids aren’t killing each other or breaking something and I get really angry at having to spend one single second of that precious time shaving.
Why do guys get to be hairy all the time? Unfair. Let’s just all stop shaving and get society used to it. Wanna? (And don’t just say yes to my face and then not do it…I don’t want to show up and be all “Hey! Isn’t it great that we all stopped shaving!” and then be the only hairy one. That’s SO middle school you guys!)
OMG do I hate the park!
The anxiety it causes makes it barely worth the effort:
Don’t throw the wood chips.
You need to take turns on the slide.
Are you playing nicely?
Don’t open the gate!
THAT’S TOO HIGH!
Don’t throw the wood chips.
Where the hell is your brother?
Shit! I lost my kid!
Oh, never mind there he is...the one repeatedly pouring sand over his head...
Is that kid being mean to my kid?
Is that mom being a douche to me?
DON’T THROW THE MOTHER F*#@!NG WOOD CHIPS…(and don’t eat them either.)
Fresh air is awesome! And after a long winter I love to air out my house, just feels cleaner than keeping all those germs trapped inside.
So I’m all for open windows. My neighbors, however, may have different feelings about it…
“AAAAHHH!!! HE SAT ON MY HEAD!”
“YOU BIT MY HAIR!”
“STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW OR I’M LOCKING YOU IN YOUR ROOMS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!”
See, I know my house is a loud, crazy, obnoxious insane asylum-ish place…but not everyone appreciates that type of lifestyle. And when the windows are closed I don’t have to share that fact with the public.
No joke, I’ve literally had people walking by the house stop to turn and look around for who was being attacked when they hear the screams coming out of my open windows.
I want to yell out “Keep going! Nothing to see here…no one is being attacked!”
Really though, that’s not true. Usually someone IS being attacked. But that’s normal…unfortunately. Potentially we need central AC so we can keep the windows shut more often…
In all seriousness, I would just like to assure my neighbors that we don’t ALWAYS sound like that… cause sometimes we’re sleeping.