Monday, January 28, 2013

Top Ten New House Rules

Every house hold has different rules.  Sometimes you have to take your shoes off, sometimes you can’t eat in front of the TV etc. etc.

When I became a parent I fully expected to have to enforce certain rules with my kids.  Use your manners, wash your hands, pick up your toys…stuff like that.

Recently, however, we’ve had to come up with some rules that I feel are, um, unique to our family. 

I’m here to share some of them with you.  This will give you an idea of what my life is actually like on a daily basis. Hopefully you have some interesting takes on normal, everyday rules as well.  At least that’s what I tell myself…I can’t be the only one living this insanity, right? Right? Hello?  You guys there?

Well anyway, here we go with today’s top ten list. 

Top Ten Original House Rules:

#10 – Everyone flushes their own pee.

If you follow this blog you know that, no, I’m not making this up.  This is a real honest to God issue in my home.  Someone stabbing you and someone flushing your pee warrant the exact same reaction.  Do you know how many times I’ve had to sacrifice my own pee flushing in order to keep the peace?  “Stop screaming…I’ll let you flush the next time I pee, k?”  Unfortunately for me flushing my pee is not as cool as tormenting your brother by flushing HIS pee.  I need cooler pee.

#9 – No one is an underpants head.

Don’t call anyone an underpants head, even if they are at that moment running around the house with underpants on their head (which, sadly, happens more often than one might think). 

I can come up with exactly one million, fifty five thousand, three hundred and eight worse names than “underpants head”.  But for some reason that one is the be all end all of insults here.  For an idea of how awful it is to be called an underpants head please reference the stabbing/pee flushing level of upset from #10…

#8 – No one is to step on their brother’s face.

Do I need to elaborate on this one?

#7 – Do not put stickers on the dog.

Ever.  Even if, as you insist is the case, he” told you he wanted them”.  The look of shame and disgust on his face right now tells me you may have misunderstood him.  In fact, I’m pretty sure if he thought he could get away with eating you right now he would. 

#6 – Do not pretend to hug me while secretly wiping your nose on me.

I’m on to you, you disgusting little creatures!  When you get lovey out of the blue for no apparent reason I know what you’re up to.  Jerks.

#5 – You cannot have lunch if you’re naked.

Don’t even bother coming to the table if you have no clothes on.  No shoes, no shirt, no problem.  No underwear, no pants, however, we got issues. 

#4 – Poking people in the eye with a banana is not an acceptable way to let them know you’re awake.

Maybe next time you could just say “Hey, Mom.  I’m awake.”  It will actually save you the trouble of going downstairs, climbing the counters and getting the banana.  Really, I’m only looking out for your best interest.  That just seems like a lot of work to me. 

#3 – If you’re asked to clean up your toys and you chose to ignore that request you’re not allowed to bitch when your mom vacuums up your stuff.

And in addition, I had very little sympathy for you when you woke up in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming “You sucked up my guys!” In fact, I’m kind of glad you had nightmares about it; that means it worked.  And it also means you and your future therapist will never run out of things to talk about.  You’re welcome. 

#2 – Anyone attempting to rise before the sun is up shall be immediately put up for adoption.

No exceptions.  No questions asked.  If I can’t see light coming from the sky then I don’t want to see your face. 

And last, but not least, the most important rule of all…

#1 – Mommy does not have a favorite child…she just has one she’d like to harm less.

But the good news is you guys typically go back and forth on whose day it is to suck the most.  I’d have to say this is the one thing you are really good at sharing.  Great job, boys!

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