Wednesday, January 2, 2013


Today I heard an ear piercing scream coming from the bathroom.  I was sure, judging by the sound, that Grant was being stabbed.  I went to investigate.

Turns out no one was attacking him…Carter just flushed his pee.  In case anyone was wondering, should this ever happen to you the appropriate response is to shriek at the top of your lungs and then cry for half an hour.

I asked Carter why he would do such a horrible, terrible unbelievably cruel thing and my son said:

“Oh.  I guess I thought it was mine.”

“You…wait…you thought the pee that came out of your brother was yours?  That’s your story?”


He had no remorse.  Given the chance he would absolutely flush that pee again.

Know that song “I’m an Asshole” by Denis Leary? Sometimes when I look at Carter all I can picture is him singing that song.

If you’re not familiar with it, take a listen:

Now picture that tune with the following verses and tell me you can't see him belting that out.  Please enjoy the Carter version of "I'm an Asshole":

I went in the bathroom
I flushed my bro's pee
And then told my Mom
It came out of me

I'm an asshooooole!

I touched my damn Elf
It made him feel sick
But I didn't care
Cause that guy was a prick

I'm an asshooooole!

Santa brought me some drums
To make my Mom proud
But she thinks he's a jerk
Cause I play them SO LOUD

I'm an asshooooole!

I break all your shit
I think that it's fun
Is that a new phone?
I'll get to that one...

I'm an asshooooole!

I pee on the floor
I have such bad aim
You're the one who trained me
So I'm not to blame

I'm an asshooooole!

I steal all your trucks
And you can't get another
Cause I'll just steal that too
I'm the world's worst big brother

I'm an asshooooole!

I don't listen to you
I don't hear what you say
And I'm flipping you off
As I run away

I'm an asshoooole!

Perhaps I can teach him the tune of this on his drums and he can record it, become rich and famous and then pay for all of his own therapy when he's older! 


  1. This is freaking hilarious. I used to have a friend that sang that song all the time. I love this version even more! You're a real songwriter! Maybe if your drummer wasn't such a jerk you could form a family band ;)

  2. That comment made me laugh out loud! Stay tuned for future verses. God knows we have enough material!!