Monday, December 3, 2012

All I Want for Christmas

This is the first year my kids have really gotten into the Christmas spirit.  And by “Christmas spirit” I mean…they’ve learned how to ask for things from Santa. 

It’s the first year they have realized that the catalogues that come in the mail have pictures of toys in them.  And that those toys are potentially available to be brought into our home. 

Carter first discovered this fact a few weeks ago and since that time he has not let the Toys R US “Big Book of Toys” out of his sight. 

I made the mistake of telling him to take a marker and circle anything he wanted to ask Santa for:

“Here, mom, I finished circling.”

“Ok, let me see…wow…57 circles, huh?”

Wanting nineteen thousand things from a store like that was bad enough.  But then the specialty catalogues came. 

You know, the ones full of “educational” toys that are supposed to transform your little angel into the toddler version Albert Einstein.  I guess that’s how they get away with charging 87 dollars for a set of two blocks. 

Carter looooooved that magazine.  Naturally. 

“Mom, I want this car transporter.  I’ve never had this one before.”

“That’s nice.  Jesus!  60 bucks for one wooden car?  I’ll whittle you a damn car transporter before I’ll spend that!”

“And I want this construction site…and this airplane…and this!  What is this? I want it.”

That’s a kite, honey, and I bet it’s the best kite in the whole gosh darned world!

But you’re not getting that kite…know why?  Because kites are stupid.  That's just a fact.

I tried flying a kite with them once.  After I ran around my yard like a fool for 20 minutes trying to make it fly the damn thing stupidly hung in the air for all of three seconds.  The kids were unimpressed and I was winded…so no more kites.

But I digress…back to my spoiled child…

 “I’m going to get all this stuff.”

Sure.  You can get all that stuff.  Then know what else you’re gonna get?  A job.  Nothing like explaining to your four year old that Santa is on a budget.  They totally and completely get the concept of money, right? 

“Ok, Cart, you can either have that kite or a college education.  Your choice.”

Then there’s Grant. 

Grant isn’t interested in looking through the toy books.  Grant only wants one thing: “A blue Jeep that I can ride on.”

A $300 blue jeep that he can ride on.

I’d rather buy the thousand dollar puzzle that was hand-crafted by Tibetan Monks.  Because I have plenty of places I can store a puzzle.  And I don’t have anywhere to put yet another ride on toy. 

“We just got a toy like that.”

“That one was for Carter.  I want mine.”

Yeah, well we got that for Carter’s birthday after he asked for it relentlessly for two months.  He just wore us down.  Are you prepared to be that much of an asshole?  Cause then maybe you’ll get your jeep.

Not everything they’ve asked for it out of Santa’s price range.  Some things are just out of Santa’s sanity range…

Carter: “I want a saxophone for Christmas.”

Me: “You’re not getting one.”

Carter: “Well, I’m asking Santa for it so it’s not up you.”

Santa, you jack ass, listen up and listen good…if you bring that kid a saxophone I will hunt you down, punch you in the nuts and donate all your reindeer to my nearest zoo. 

Think I’m kidding?  Try me, big guy, just try me.

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