Wednesday, November 14, 2012

He's Baaaaack!!

It’s the time of year again…Elf time!

Last year was our first year with the ever popular Elf on the Shelf.  I know most of you are familiar with this but a quick recap for anyone who isn’t: You get a creepy elf doll and you tell your kids he’s a secret agent for Santa who flies to the North Pole after they go to bed to update the big guy on their naughty vs. nice status.  Then you back up your story by moving the doll around your house so the kids think he’s alive.

Ours in named Kebbie.  No idea.  That’s just what Carter named him. 

Last year I wrote a blog about him ( He Sees You When You're Sleeping) and how I think its bullshit that parents only get to scare their kids into behaving for one month a year.  Don’t get me wrong, I try to threaten my kids all year long.  But that elf dude adds credibility that is simply not available in June.

This year, however, I have a different attitude towards Elf on the Shelf.  I don’t simply see it as a way to enforce the idea that Santa is always watching.  Know what I think it really is? 


It's work because you have to move him all the time.  Can’t have the kids thinking the scary magical doll DIDN’T fly back to Santa that night now can you? 

Hey parents, you’re not too busy this time of year or anything right?  You can add “remember to move the damn elf every single night” to your holiday to-do list can’t you?

If you forget to move him then you better hope you notice before the kids do.  If he’s in the same spot as the day before then you have come up with an on the spot explanation for that:

“I don’t know guys, maybe he got into the eggnog last night and he’s too hung over to move.  Why don’t we go get him a Big Mac and see if that helps…”

We forgot to move him all the time.  Then I would have to have my husband go juggle knives or breathe fire to distract the kids while I climbed a bookshelf or some other shit like that. 

Here’s a question: Why does he HAVE to move?  What if he just happens to love that particular spot on top of the hutch?  I have a favorite place I sit when I’m chillin’.  Why is it so freaking inconceivable that old Kebbie just stays in one place?

Because that would be easy.  And that’s not the point of parenting during the holidays.

Now, I see these moms out there who get super creative with their elves.  Good for them.  Here is part of a list that someone posted of their ideas of how to do up Elf on the Shelf:

1. Marshmallow fight – marshmallows everywhere

2. Pillow fight – feathers everywhere

3. Nerf gun fight – darts everywhere

4. Laundry fight – clothes everywhere

Are you kidding me?  The idea of anything “everywhere” makes me want to die.  And I can barely remember to move him from one shelf to another shelf.  You want me to stage a marshmallow fight in my kitchen?  Not happening.  But you go ahead and enjoy throwing clothes all around your house.

This is as creative as we got last year:

 It kind of looks like he's contemplating jumping.

I should have said “See that, kids? Kebbie is thinking about ending it all because you two are so bad.  Do you want that elf’s death on your hands?  DO YOU?”

Now THAT is how you scare your kids into embracing the holiday season!


  1. I love this post! I wrote a post on that damn elf last year, too. (Ours is named Fred Paul, by the way. Don't ask me why.)

    I happen to be terrified of clowns (and Chucky dolls). This thing just creeps me the hell out. And sometimes it forgets to move. Probably because the jet stream affected travel to the North Pole that night.

    Great post. Keep moving that elf. And maybe you can come up with something to use the rest of the year, too?

    Here's my elf post from last year:

  2. My five year old called bullshit the first time I used it (can't remember its name). Now we fall back on the old magic snowball schtick. If they get totally out of hand, we resort to fake phone calls to the North Pole. But, hey, saves having to move that damned elf. (Which I always forgot, too. But, again, they didn't believe it in the first place, so no big.)