Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Birth Control

(Todays’ post is a public service announcement to those readers who don’t have kids)

Hello Childless Readers!  How are you today?  Probably excellent. You’re most likely doing some interesting and exotic thing like peeing by yourself.  You guys live the life!

I, on the other hand, am currently being climbed by a screaming two year old whose brother is wearing a sheet pretending to be a ghost that’s gonna eat him.  I should probably go deal with that.  Oh…wait…never mind.  Grant slammed a pick-up truck into Carter’s sheet-covered head.  So I guess that worked itself out then, huh?

Moving on. 

If you read my blog (and you must cause you’re here) you know that parenthood can be hard.  I don’t sugar coat anything for you.  You need to know what you’re getting into.  If you don’t have kids then please try to savor every second of peace and quiet you come across.  Those moments are few and far between…no…I take that back.  They aren’t few and far between, they are simply non-existent.

I tell you this out of love because…hold on…

“GRANT! Get that drum stick out of your nose!”

What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  The joys of childlessness. 

After reading some of my status updates a childless friend of mine recently commented: “You've single handily prevented me from ever re-producing!! You should do this country a favor and start teaching 10th grade!!”

Um…hello!  That’s the best idea EVER! 

I am going to start to market this blog as a form of birth control! 
I don’t know why I’ve never thought of this before.  I have in the past warned my pregnant friends to please NOT read my blog (cause it’s too late for them) but I’ve never thought to use it BEFORE they get pregnant. 

Young women will soon have their doctors saying “Are you thinking of becoming sexually active?  Ok, well then here’s the link to ‘Things Carter Says’…you may change your mind.”

Instead of carrying around a sack of flour pretending it’s a baby high school students can just have a live feed going in the classroom of things that go on in my house.  Scared straight: The Carter Edition. 

Blogging as a form of contraception.  I love it:

Girl 1:“Hey, are you on the pill??”

Girl 2: “No.  I’m on the blog.”

Do we think I need FDA approval to move forward with this plan?


  1. "I'm on the blog" is the best thing I've heard all day! AWESOME!!!

    You really are a do-gooder!