Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Day

I’m sure childless people often wonder what we parents do all day when we’re home with our kids. I guess they just can’t imagine this lifestyle.  As a parent I often wonder what childless people do all day as well…but then I have to stop because I have violent stabby feelings towards them as I imagine what their weekends must look like. 

So I figured I’d give everyone a glimpse into what a typical day at home with kids looks like here.  After you read it you can send your condolences…or wine…yeah, send wine.

So here we go, a day in my home:

Get woken up by someone poking you in the face.

Make coffee.

Drink a sip of coffee, put coffee down and help someone pour milk.

Correction: put coffee down and help someone clean up milk because someone tried to do it themselves rather than wait 15 God damned seconds.

Make someone toast.

Burn it.

Make someone toast again.

Realize you never finished your coffee.

Drink cold coffee.

Practice your ninja skills by attempting to dress an unwilling participant.

Make another cup of coffee.

Climb your stairs…stand and stare around blankly as you try to remember why you climbed your stairs.

Go back downstairs.

Break up a fight, sweep up some crumbs, dust something, realize you never finished your coffee.

Drink cold coffee.

Switch half a batch of laundry from the washer to the dryer.

Hear “I’M DONE” coming from the upstairs bathroom.

Hear it 47 more times in the 20 seconds it takes you to climb the stairs and wipe him.

Make a peanut butter sandwich.

Cut it incorrectly.

Pay DEARLY for your mistake for the next half an hour.

Play Legos. 

Search for little Lego pieces for ten minutes before you start vacuuming so you don’t suck them up.

Inevitably suck up a Lego.

Go to fold laundry and realize you never finished putting the clothes in the dryer.

Start to wonder if you have some sort of attention deficit disorder because this happens to you a lot.

Hear more fighting.

Thank God for whoever invented TV.

Begin checking the time every 10 minutes and fantasize about the moment your husband walks through the door.

Go to fold laundry…realize actually getting the clothes into the dryer is not one of your strengths.

Pour wine.

Start preparing dinner.

Stop preparing dinner because someone’s sock is not on correctly and if their sock is not on correctly then THEY CANNOT LIVE!

Realize you never finished your wine.

Laugh hysterically at your little joke as you would NEVER forget to finish your wine.

Pour more wine.

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