Wednesday, November 13, 2013

He's Making a List

Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas is right around the corner.  Time to buy more shit for my kids that they don’t need and we don’t have space for.

Every single toy store has figured out that if you want to increase sales you need to appeal directly to your target audience.  That’s why the covers on all of the toy catalogues are BRIGHT GREEN or FLORESCENT YELLOW…so your children will be sure to spot them in the pile of other mundane crappiness that the mailman delivers these days.  (Seriously, does anyone get anything other than bills in their mail anymore?)

So my kids have started looking through these catalogues and circling what they hope to receive for Christmas.  It’s been a very long process because a new one comes to my house literally every single day. 

And while we’re on this topic:

Dear American Girl Doll Company,

Sending your catalogue to a mom of two boys clearly makes you guilty of intentional infliction of emotional distress and can be considered cruel and unusual punishment.  My lawsuit against you is pending…

I digress.

My kids have started making lists. 

Carter’s list is all over the damn place and includes outrageous requests:

“Santa won’t be able to fit a Jeep Grand Cherokee with monster truck tires in his bag.”

And everything he’s ever heard of or looked at:

 “Florida is a state, not a Christmas gift.”

 And some things I’m relatively sure he has no fucking clue what they are:

“No…you can’t have the Mir Space Station for Christmas.”

This week I made them each come up with two big and three small things that they really reeeeeeallllly wanted to get for Christmas.  Santa has started her shopping and she’ll be damned if anyone comes up with an 11th hour request that they simply cannot live without. You’re writing a list now and you’re sticking to that list, kid!

Carter was predictable at first: Legos and Power Rangers.  Fine.

But then he hit me with: “I want a Tennessee Titans football helmet.”

Hey, Random Boy…we live in Boston.  WTF is with the Tennessee Titans?

His next choice of gift was a map. 

Um, if I buy you the map does it get me out of buying you the out of commission Russian space station?

Your list is really running the gamut here.

Ok, whatever, I’ll get you the random football helmet even though it’s gonna get you beat up on the playground, some Lego ninja shit and the best map that money can buy.

Well, one kid down and he’s the tough one.  I was thinking Grant would be a breeze.  Only, he sucked even worse than his brother.

Know what he asked for? A new car seat.  Yup.  Car seat.  Every three year olds dream gift!

You’ve got to be shitting me kid. 

I tried to get him to give me an idea that didn’t suck Christmas balls and this is what I got…

“I want something long.”

Is there any way you can be more vague here? That would really help me out.

Clearly I was going to have to come up with ideas of my own.  So I grabbed a bottle glass of wine and did some online shopping…

The Cool Mom in me: "I'm gonna buy my kids these cool light up swords they've been asking for! They'll be from Santa. They're gonna love them!"

 The Frugal Mom in me: "And man did I get a good deal! They'll look big and impressive in the pile but they're so cheap!"

 The Sane Mom in me: "Woah! What the fuck are you two doing? You bought our kids WEAPONS for Christmas? Bitches be crazy!"

The lesson here, my friends, is don’t drink and shop. 

This is exactly how Carter ended up with a drum set last year. 

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA! I want Florida for Christmas too! Santa can't fit the car but I'm sure he can fit a state in his bag!

    And a car seat sounds like a fabulous gift! Practical and safe! Maybe he can sit in it while beating his brother with his brand new sword!

    Oh, also, I got the American Girl catalogue too. You know what sucks even more than being tormented by the fact that your children don't want that stuff? The fact that your four year old daughter wants EVERY SINGLE THING in that F'ing expensive as shit catalogue!!! Do you know how expensive each of those things are? Mother F'in ridiculous! Lucky for Babe (and me) my mom works literally next door to the American Girl store in NYC so she can pay the outrageous money and not me! :-)