Monday, July 29, 2013

A Lesson on Mortality

My kids are always putting stupid things in their mouths.  I don’t know why.  Just to be stupid I guess.  I’ve warned them a million times that if they put things in their mouths they’re gonna choke and die.  Ok, maybe not the most motherly way I could put it but, I mean, it’s me…what did you expect?

This morning Carter stupidly had a tire from one of his trucks in his mouth.  So I gave him the standard warning about choking and dying but didn’t get much of a response. 

Then I got to thinking…do they even know what dying means?  It’s kind of an abstract concept for a 3 and 4 year old.  Maybe they continue to not care about choking and dying because they don’t UNDERSTAND choking and dying.  I decided to explain it further:

Me: “Do you even know what dying means?”

Carter: “It comes after you choke.”

See, I say that phrase a lot.

Me: “Yeah but what it really means is that if you die you won’t be able to see anyone ever again.  Not mommy or daddy or any of your friends…nobody.  You’ll be all alone.”

Carter: “Where will I be?”

Me: “They put you in a box in the gr….”

Ok, perhaps that approach is a little much.  I decided to go in a different direction instead.

Me: “You go live in the sky with God. And all you get to do is sit on a cloud all day and do nothing. And no one is with you.”

Carter: “Is God there?”

Me: “Yeah but he’s boring.”

I’m sure that’s gonna come back to bite me the next time I try to take him to church.  But we all know I’m not the best at describing religious stuff.  Remember when I tried to teach Carter about Easter?

Carter: “Where does God sleep.”

Me: “In the clouds.”

Carter: “What about when there’s lightning?”

Me: “You’re missing the point. When you die you go away and you can’t see anybody ever again and it’s awful.”

Carter: “Nana will find me.  She knows where God is.”

You’re a stubborn little shit, ya know that? 

He then proceeded to come up with contingency plans for if he got stuck on the cloud alone.  So far it looks like he's either going to just jump off the cloud and come back down or he’s going to ask a Superhero to come get him. 

Now, as I’m sitting there trying to decide what my next move in this great debate will be Grant pipes in with:

“What kind of box do they put you in?”

Oh, you heard that huh?  Let me know how those nightmares go.

Me: “Forget dying, choking isn’t much fun either.  The tire gets stuck in your throat and then you can’t breathe…and then you fall over…and then you die.”

And we’re back to the dying.

Carter: “I’ll just breathe out my nose then. And what if you die and you're already laying down? Do you still fall over?”

Hmmm, let me think of another way to put this…DON’T PUT THINGS IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

Me: “Just don’t put things in your mouth.  Can you just trust me on this one?”

Carter: “Well, Mama, I can’t trust you cause I’ve never seen any of this happen.”

Is anyone still curious about the origins of my extreme wine consumption? Anyone?

1 comment:

  1. “Well, Mama, I can’t trust you cause I’ve never seen any of this happen.” <-- Do you not see the opportunity here? You have the chance to permanently scare your kids for LIFE! What are you waiting for??? There are so many ways to "stage" this my mind can't even pick just one! GO! GO RIGHT NOW!!!