Facts About Kids

Greetings! 

So, I woke up this morning and thought “Hey!  It’s been a while since I’ve scared the shit out of all my childless readers.  I’m going to put that on my to-do list today!”

And, unlike every other thing I have on my to-do list today, I actually remembered to do this one!  Lucky you!

Today we’re going to discuss facts about kids.  There are certain truths in parenting that exist no matter who you are; doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, if you’re black or white, if you parent like Mother-of-the-Year or if you parent more like…well…me.  No one can escape the reality of these situations.  Ready for a glimpse into your future?  Let’s roll.

Ok, the first thing you have to know about kids is they run on their own time. 

They do not now, nor will they ever, take your schedule into consideration.  If you planned a play date, a doctor’s appointment, a trip to the park etc. during the afternoon your child will almost certainly take an extra-long nap that day which will run over into your scheduled activity. They can somehow sense that you have somewhere to be and take immense pleasure out of their ability to ‘eff with you. 

Conversely, if you plan to sit on the couch and catch up on some shows you’ve had on the DVR for months those bastards will close their eyes for 20 minutes and wake up raring to go!

And there is nothing you can do about any of this. 

Sorry.  You’ll think you can.  You’ll think you can mess with their sleep schedule and come out a winner but that’s a fool’s bet.  If you put them to bed early, they will wake up early.  If you put them to bed late…they will wake up early.  That’s just a fact.

Another fact is no matter how smart your offspring is when you are alone with them they will never demonstrate their impressive skills while in the company of others. Your child may be able to recite Hamlet…in Latin…yet will suddenly forget how to recite his own name if you attempt to make him do it in public. 

On the flip side of that, a kid will freely talk about stuff that happens in your home that you would rather they NOT repeat in public.  If, for example, your husband accidentally hits your son in the face with a toy car he will go into school with a black eye and, when asked what happened, will say “Daddy did it!”

There are lots of things you'll say/yell/scream at the top of your lungs and no matter how many times you repeat yourself your child will always ignore you completely.  For example, saying "Don't touch that" is like putting up a huge blinking neon sign that says "YOU MUST TOUCH ME!" and then covering it in glitter and puppies and candy.

Here’s another helpful tip that I have:  If your kids are being quiet GO FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING!  It’s almost never good.

Occasionally, however, kids will sit nicely and quietly...maybe they’re watching a movie and are relaxed and content.   You might think that would be a good time to take a quick shower.  But no matter how quietly they were sitting, the second you step into the shower and get that soap in your hair all hell will inevitably break loose. 

Know that movie ‘Field of Dreams’?  And the whole “If you build it, they will come” thing?  Well there’s a phrase like that I use when referring to my kids.  It goes “If you’re eating, they will find you”, no matter how sneaky you think you’re being… and then you’ll have to share…or fight them off. 

Oh, and a quick note about playthings: the second you throw out/give away an old, unused toy will be the exact second they discover that’s the ONE TOY they can no longer live without.

Fact:  If you do everything for your children they will never become independent.  Other Fact:  Everything in your life will now take nine times as f’ing long.

Then you’ll come to the part in your life when your kids are potty trained.  And you don’t need to carry around all that extra diaper stuff.  Hooray!  But be warned, your fully trained, completely accident free toddler will choose the ONE TIME you leave the house without back up clothes to pee himself…at the library…during circle time.
 

My last pearl of wisdom goes out to the formerly childless but currently relatively new parents.  If, by some miracle of life, you have the opportunity to get all dolled up and go out do not…I repeat DO NOT…go near the baby right before you walk out the door.  Your precious little bundle will take that opportunity to puke on you.  Every. Time. Blow that kid a kiss and run like hell!

There you go, my friends! I hope I’ve been able to open your eyes to some of the, um, joys (?) of parenthood.  These are just the facts, don’t shoot the messenger.  In fact, get the messenger a cocktail; she worked hard to bring you all this information!

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Top Ten Ways to Tell if You're a Mom

Are you a mom?  Are you unsure? 

Sometimes it’s hard to tell. 

At first I was a little confused about where I fell on the mom spectrum…but I’ve done a lot of research on the subject and I now feel pretty confident in my ability to spot a fellow mom.  If you’re having trouble answering the mom or not question with any degree of certainty, look no further!  Just read the following signs and see if any (or all) of them apply to you.  This should help you figure out your mom status.

Ready?  Ok.  Top ten signs you might be a mom: (you might wanna take notes)

10. If you’ve been meaning to talk to your doctor about that weird growth that has suddenly attached itself to your leg/ass area, but you then realize it has arms and a head and calls you “Mom”…you might be a mom.

9. If your bathroom is the most popular room in the house and you’re considering selling tickets so that even MORE people can watch you pee…you might be a mom.

8. If, while you’re out by yourself, you spot a cool dump truck and you automatically say “Hey!  Look at that cool dump truck over there!”…you might be a mom.

7. You might be a mom if you read #8 and thought “What the hell does ‘out by yourself’ mean.

6. If a friend asks:

 “Oh my God, did you hear about that big fire/car accident/earthquake/scandal on the news today?”

And your response is:

“If it didn’t happen on Disney Junior then I didn’t hear about it”…then you absolutely might be a mom.

5. If you’ve ever put the milk back in the cabinet and the cereal back in the fridge…you are probably a mom.

4. If someone asks if that’s dried snot or mashed banana on your shirt and you have to say “I don’t know” because you’re really just not sure…you might be a mom.

3. If you’re a mom you know that the food pyramid is missing a key food group called “Necessities”.  This category includes coffee, wine, chocolate and any combination of the aforementioned items.

2. If you’re yoga pants have categories (everyday use, working out, dressy)…you might be a mom.  Related: If you “save” the good, non-stained pair for days when you might run in to someone important…your mom status is all but confirmed.

And the surest way to tell if you are, in fact, a mother:

1. You secretly wish that anyone who has ever given your child a loud, obnoxious toy would immediately come down with an incurable STD…on their face.

I hope that I’ve been able to help at least a few of you determine where you stand on the motherhood scale.  The transition from non-mom to mom can be a scary time in a woman’s life, filled with doubt. 

And if, after reading this list, you are still unsure if you’re a mom or not…ask your kids…

The Cable Guy

This morning we had our new cable installed. 

I suppose this is not a convenient process for anyone.  But for people with kids this process is like…well…it’s kind of like hell itself came over to your house for a visit. 

I think many moms these days don’t really follow the “one hour of screen time a day” limit for kids.  Some do, and I applaud those women.  They are probably patient and crafty and creative and just all kinds of fun in general.  I am pretty much none of those things.  Well, I am all kinds of fun.  But not in general.  In very specific instances…usually when wine is involved…

Either way, I openly admit that I rely heavily on my TV to get me through the day.  Take it from me, TV is not bad.  TV saves lives. 

When faced with a four hour time period stuck in the house with the bored kids and the barking dogs I began to compile a list of things I would rather be doing:

1.        Having lemon juice poured into a paper cut.

2.       Being set on fire.

3.       Having lemon juice poured into a paper cut WHILE being set on fire.

(And those are just things that popped into my head in the first 2 seconds.  I could definitely come up with a more complete list if anyone is interested in reading that.)

As expected, as soon as the guy rang the doorbell, the dogs began going psycho.  And I don’t have the type of dogs who bark at first and then settle down.  They don't stop barking.  Ever.  So, please, as your reading this story just throw on a recording of two hyper barking dogs...it'll make you feel like you're really THERE!

 

Right away the guy should have had a clue as to what type of house he was walking into.  I don’t know that he encounters many 4 year olds who open the door to a house and say:

“Are you the cable guy?  Good!  We HATE Verizon.  The TV freezes all the time and the remote DOES NOT work! It’s so frustrating!”

Alright then, thanks for highlighting all the reasons we are switching, can we let him in the house now?

The bored children then proceeded to follow this poor man around the house asking him non-stop questions. I wanted to shake them.  Don’t you kids know that by side tracking him like that you are actually putting more distance between you and your next episode of Mickey Mouse Club House?

At first I thought it was nice that he stopped to talk to them.  But then I realized it was just wasting valuable time.  I was trying to get him out of the house as soon as possible.  Which is why it was a really bad idea for me to ask him if he wanted a cup of coffee. 

He did, in fact, want one. 

 

He took the coffee, sat down at my kitchen table and started chatting.  Oh, sir?  When I offered the coffee I thought maybe it would give you a high and speed you up.  I didn’t want to be girlfriends.  I’m really sorry that you have high blood pressure and your wife has stomach issues.  Perhaps you should go tell these things to my computer as you CONTINUE HOOKING UP MY INTERNET!

Well after coffee time of course comes potty break.  He asked to use my bathroom.  Just as he shut the door Carter came strolling by and apparently noticed that he didn’t turn on the light.  So naturally…he opened the door.  Yup, he opened the bathroom door on the cable guy.

“Did you want the light on?”

Jesus Christ! I’m sure he’d rather have the door closed!   

After that totally comfortable and not at all awkward moment I decided to give the boys a bath; that way at least they would be in one place and kept away from that poor man.  It was not one of my best ideas…because after a bath you simply must do naked laps around the total stranger in your living room.  Obviously.

We were getting really, really close to wrapping this up, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  He just had to explain how everything worked:

“So, this button controls the DVR and then if you push this one…”

“MOM!  I’m done!  I did a lot of poop.”

“Ah…excuse me, my son has apparently done a lot of poop.  I’ll be right back.”

At this point I didn’t give one flying shit about how the remote worked.  I was certain that I could figure it out.  My problem now was figuring out how to get this guy the hell out of my house.

He finished setting up the upstairs box and told me I was all set.  At which point I expect him to exit the premises.  But instead he said:

“I’m just trying to compose myself for a minute.”

Um…what?  Are you really that upset to have to leave the barking dog, screaming naked voyeur children household? 

Well, turns out he was upset because his daughter had gotten a bad report card.  She’s in high school. She used to get all As and Bs in fifth grade.  Wanna hear about her performance in middle school?  Cause I know all about that too.

I probably should have taken the “Hey! Tell me all your problems!” sign off my forehead before this experience.  I’ll know for next time…

Top Ten New House Rules

Every house hold has different rules.  Sometimes you have to take your shoes off, sometimes you can’t eat in front of the TV etc. etc.

When I became a parent I fully expected to have to enforce certain rules with my kids.  Use your manners, wash your hands, pick up your toys…stuff like that.

Recently, however, we’ve had to come up with some rules that I feel are, um, unique to our family. 

I’m here to share some of them with you.  This will give you an idea of what my life is actually like on a daily basis. Hopefully you have some interesting takes on normal, everyday rules as well.  At least that’s what I tell myself…I can’t be the only one living this insanity, right? Right? Hello?  You guys there?

Well anyway, here we go with today’s top ten list. 

Top Ten Original House Rules:

#10 – Everyone flushes their own pee.

If you follow this blog you know that, no, I’m not making this up.  This is a real honest to God issue in my home.  Someone stabbing you and someone flushing your pee warrant the exact same reaction.  Do you know how many times I’ve had to sacrifice my own pee flushing in order to keep the peace?  “Stop screaming…I’ll let you flush the next time I pee, k?”  Unfortunately for me flushing my pee is not as cool as tormenting your brother by flushing HIS pee.  I need cooler pee.

#9 – No one is an underpants head.

Don’t call anyone an underpants head, even if they are at that moment running around the house with underpants on their head (which, sadly, happens more often than one might think). 

I can come up with exactly one million, fifty five thousand, three hundred and eight worse names than “underpants head”.  But for some reason that one is the be all end all of insults here.  For an idea of how awful it is to be called an underpants head please reference the stabbing/pee flushing level of upset from #10…

#8 – No one is to step on their brother’s face.

Do I need to elaborate on this one?

#7 – Do not put stickers on the dog.

Ever.  Even if, as you insist is the case, he” told you he wanted them”.  The look of shame and disgust on his face right now tells me you may have misunderstood him.  In fact, I’m pretty sure if he thought he could get away with eating you right now he would. 

#6 – Do not pretend to hug me while secretly wiping your nose on me.

I’m on to you, you disgusting little creatures!  When you get lovey out of the blue for no apparent reason I know what you’re up to.  Jerks.

#5 – You cannot have lunch if you’re naked.

Don’t even bother coming to the table if you have no clothes on.  No shoes, no shirt, no problem.  No underwear, no pants, however, we got issues. 

#4 – Poking people in the eye with a banana is not an acceptable way to let them know you’re awake.

Maybe next time you could just say “Hey, Mom.  I’m awake.”  It will actually save you the trouble of going downstairs, climbing the counters and getting the banana.  Really, I’m only looking out for your best interest.  That just seems like a lot of work to me. 

#3 – If you’re asked to clean up your toys and you chose to ignore that request you’re not allowed to bitch when your mom vacuums up your stuff.

And in addition, I had very little sympathy for you when you woke up in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming “You sucked up my guys!” In fact, I’m kind of glad you had nightmares about it; that means it worked.  And it also means you and your future therapist will never run out of things to talk about.  You’re welcome. 

#2 – Anyone attempting to rise before the sun is up shall be immediately put up for adoption.

No exceptions.  No questions asked.  If I can’t see light coming from the sky then I don’t want to see your face. 

And last, but not least, the most important rule of all…

#1 – Mommy does not have a favorite child…she just has one she’d like to harm less.

But the good news is you guys typically go back and forth on whose day it is to suck the most.  I’d have to say this is the one thing you are really good at sharing.  Great job, boys!

Mommy Bath Time

In my experience there is nothing more relaxing than a nice hot bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. 

Being warm is one of my favorite things to do…second only to drinking wine.  When you combine the two its heaven.  And I throw in the book to seem intellectual and like I do something with my time other than drink wine and yell at my kids.

A lot of my friends like to post about how they are “relaxing in the bath”.  Sometimes they post pictures of their tub full to the brim with luxurious bubbles surrounded by aromatherapy candles. 

Well aren’t you guys cute with your “relaxation” and your “alone time”. 

I hate you.

My baths don’t go anything like that. 

First of all, my bathtub sucks.  It used to be green so we tried to redo it by “painting” it white.  Life lesson for you all: bathtub paint DOES NOT WORK.  It started bubbling up and peeling off almost immediately.  So now my bathtub is green with white stripes. 

After I make the decision to go be visually assaulted by my bathtub I have to find some way to get up there without alerting the children.  I usually mouth “I’m gonna take a bath” to my husband and he knows to start moving them towards the playroom. 

My kids have the attention span of…something with a very short attention span, so I have to move quickly.

I pour my wine and start to tip toe towards the stairs.  I go through the kitchen first.

I spot a dish in the sink.  One dish.

Why is there ONE dish in the sink?  Who does all of the dishes but one?  Did I do that?  Could have been me…also could have been the husband.  Either way, I absolutely CANNOT relax in the bath if I know that dish is just sitting there.  I stop at the sink, sipping my wine as I soap up the sponge. 

After doing the dish I continue on my merry way towards my nice, hot, stripy bathtub.  I pass the living room.

What!  Did they seriously just leave the Legos all over the place like that?  God, I can’t stand my kids!  They should have to clean up that mess.  But I obviously can’t call them in here to do that or I’ll be spotted.  So I’ll just have to do it because, after all, if I leave them there I’ll be thinking about it the whole time I’m supposed to be decompressing in the tub. 

Pick up Lego.  Sip wine.  Pick up Lego.  Sip wine.

There!  All clean.  Upstairs I go. 

I start the water, put in the bubbles and take a seat on the toilet to sip my wine and wait in anticipation for the warmth!  It’s at this point that I realize…

Shit!  I’m almost out of wine. 

And we all know the point of the wine is to sip it while you’re IN the bath.  I’m going to need more.  Now I have a tactical decision to make.  How am I going to get down there, over to the wine rack and then back upstairs without being spotted?  So I do what any rational woman would do when faced with this predicament.  I pick up my phone and call my husband:

“Um…hello?”

“It’s me…I need more wine.”

“Yes.  I know it’s you.  Because my caller ID said it was you.  But I’m confused because…I thought you were upstairs.”

“I am.  I ran out of wine.  I need you bring me up another glass.  I haven’t taken my bath yet.  If I go down there they’ll be on to me.”

“You’re not in the bath yet?  You started taking a bath like half an hour ago.”

“Just bring me another glass of wine would ya?  Bye.  Oh…wait…WAIT!  Bring the bottle. K, love you.”

After my WONDERFUL husband who loves me soooooo much refills my glass I finally get into the water…which is clearly lukewarm at this point.  And the bubbles are flat.

Whatever.  It’s fine; it’s the experience that I’m looking for anyway.  The “being alone with my wine and my book” experience.  Then, from downstairs, I hear it.  The words I had been dreading since I first started this process three or four hours ago:

“Where’s Mom?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Footsteps.  They’re coming for me. 

I glance towards the door and try to figure out if I have to time to get up, lock it, turn off the light and sit in silence in the dark until they go away.

“Hi Mom.” 

 

“You’re taking a bath?  That’s a lot of water you have in there.  Can I have that much water the next time I take a bath?  You need some toys…here…want this boat?  K.  How ‘bout these fishy guys?  I’ll just dump in the entire bucket for you.”

Now I have toys AND kids...exactly what this relaxing bath was missing! 

Top Ten Ways Marriage Has Changed

I felt it was time for another top ten. 

This installment in the series covers the top ten ways having a child changes your marriage.  My husband and I used to discuss everything from pop culture to politics, go out to eat, meet-up with friends…etc. etc.  We still do most of those things only things have changed slightly…

So here we go.  Top ten examples of how interacting with your spouse is just a little different after kids:

1.  We still want to impress each other.

Before: "I put on my sexy little black dress just for you."

After: "I put on my 'dressy' yoga pants just for you."

 

2. We still have deep, meaningful conversations.

Before: "Do you think Congress will pass that sustainable energy bill?"

After: "Do you think Mickey and Minnie are dating, or, like, just friends?"

 

3.  We're still night owls.

Before: "I want to go to the midnight showing of that new movie."

After: "I want YOU to do the midnight feeding of that new baby."

 

4.  We still hang out with friends.

Before: "The Smiths want to meet us in Boston for dinner at 9."

After: "The Smiths want us to come over for pizza in their living room at 4:30."

 

5. We still enjoy each other's company.

Before: "Want to go out for dinner then grab a nightcap at that new lounge in town?"

After: "Wanna order Chinese and fall asleep on the couch watching shows on the DVR?"

 

6.  We still enjoy eating out.

Before: "We're eating at this nice restaurant because Epicurious recommended it."

After: "We're eating at this nice restaurant because someone gave us a gift certificate."

 

7.  We still remember the important dates in our relationship.

Before: "Let's buy expensive champagne to celebrate our anniversary."

After: "Let's stay up past 10 to celebrate our anniversary."

 

8.  We still try to keep the romance alive.

Before: "I'm not wearing any underwear because I wanted to be sexy for you."

After: "Shit! I'm not wearing any underwear because I totally forgot to put them on."

 

9.  We still notice the little details.

Before: "Honey, your  hair looks beautiful tonight."

After: "Honey...you have peanut butter in your hair."

 

10.  We still like to gossip.

Before:  "Did you hear about my friend's botched boob job?"

After:  "Did you hear about my friend's botched episiotomy?"

A-hole

Today I heard an ear piercing scream coming from the bathroom.  I was sure, judging by the sound, that Grant was being stabbed.  I went to investigate.

Turns out no one was attacking him…Carter just flushed his pee.  In case anyone was wondering, should this ever happen to you the appropriate response is to shriek at the top of your lungs and then cry for half an hour.

I asked Carter why he would do such a horrible, terrible unbelievably cruel thing and my son said:

“Oh.  I guess I thought it was mine.”

“You…wait…you thought the pee that came out of your brother was yours?  That’s your story?”

“Yup.”

He had no remorse.  Given the chance he would absolutely flush that pee again.

Know that song “I’m an Asshole” by Denis Leary? Sometimes when I look at Carter all I can picture is him singing that song.

If you’re not familiar with it, take a listen:

Now picture that tune with the following verses and tell me you can't see him belting that out.  Please enjoy the Carter version of "I'm an Asshole":

I went in the bathroom
I flushed my bro's pee
And then told my Mom
It came out of me

I'm an asshooooole!

I touched my damn Elf
It made him feel sick
But I didn't care
Cause that guy was a prick

I'm an asshooooole!

Santa brought me some drums
To make my Mom proud
But she thinks he's a jerk
Cause I play them SO LOUD

I'm an asshooooole!

I break all your shit
I think that it's fun
Is that a new phone?
I'll get to that one...

I'm an asshooooole!

I pee on the floor
I have such bad aim
You're the one who trained me
So I'm not to blame

I'm an asshooooole!

I steal all your trucks
And you can't get another
Cause I'll just steal that too
I'm the world's worst big brother

I'm an asshooooole!

I don't listen to you
I don't hear what you say
And I'm flipping you off
As I run away

I'm an asshoooole!


Perhaps I can teach him the tune of this on his drums and he can record it, become rich and famous and then pay for all of his own therapy when he's older!