Top Ten Reasons I Hate Santa

Happy Holidays! 

It’s a wonderful time of year, isn’t it?  I absolutely love it, the lights, the music, the smells, all of it! 

Oh…except for Santa…I hate that asshole.

 Here are my top ten reasons why that guy can take a hike:

10.  I despise the word “naughty”.

You can’t tell me you enjoy saying that word.  It makes me uncomfortable.  It’s terrible and I hate having to say/sing it this time of year.  I don’t refer to my kid’s behavior as “naughty or nice”.  I say their being “bastards or tolerable”.  If you ask me Santa needs to modernize his vocabulary. 

9.  I don’t have a chimney.

I know my kids don’t really realize this fact yet.  But when they do they’re going to ask questions.  And when Carter has a question he’s relentless.  It’s like the Spanish Inquisition…complete with torture in the form of “Why…why…why?”

 And then I’ll be so bullshit at Santa for starting the rumor that he enters through the chimney.  So I’m preemptively hating him for it. 

8.  He is always happy for no reason.

I don’t trust overly happy people, they are clearly hiding something.  What does Santa have to be so God damn jolly about anyway?  He lives in the coldest place on the planet and his only companions are a bunch of funny looking elves and an old lady.  I don’t imagine there’s any good eye candy in that place.

No one smiles all the time unless they are constantly on drugs…perhaps he’s constantly on drugs.  The whole “flying reindeer” thing could be one big trip.  Something to consider…

7.  He has ninety-four different names and no good explanation as to why.

Kris Kringle?  Santa?  Father Christmas?  Papa Noel?  In my experience the only people who need that many aliases are criminals.  I think Santa is really a con man named Barry from Toledo.

6.  He makes my kids think it’s acceptable to walk up to old men, sit on their laps and take presents from them.

Fellow parents, ever think maybe we shouldn’t be encouraging this behavior? 

“Hey kids, don’t take candy from strangers…unless it’s Santa.  And don’t let anyone put you on their lap…unless you’re gonna get something for it in return.  Glad we had this talk; that should clear things right up for you!”

You suck, Santa.

5.  I have to make that jerk cookies.

In case you missed it…I don’t bake.  If my life depended on my ability to bake I’d probably have to throw in the towel. 

But nevertheless, every December I have to DRAG myself to the store, BUY pre-made cookie dough, TURN ON my oven and BAKE!  And you can’t just make him any old cookies…you have to put sprinkles on them.  And you have to let the kids do it so they feel like they’re part of the process.  All that leads to is a huge mess in my kitchen and a plate of burnt sugar cookies that vaguely resemble Christmas trees.   

Santa, you’re getting store bought this year and you’re gonna like it!

4.  He doesn’t bring ME anything.

And I make a list.  Which proves that I believe. If that bitch from the “Santa Baby” song can get a light blue ’64 convertible I think you can manage to bring me a little something.  So feel free to drop those diamond earrings I’ve been asking for into my stocking this year, Kris.

3.  Santa brings all those toys…but he doesn’t stick around to clean my playroom afterwards.

Once again, Big Guy, all you’ve given me is work.  I’m the one who has to clean and organize and find a place for all the crap you just left for my moderately well behaved children. 

Why don’t you send me one of those elves that you work to the bone all year as a house keeper?  Speaking of that, how many labor laws do we think you’re violating?  Help me clean up or I’m going to talk the elves into forming a union…then you’ll be totally screwed. 

2.  He takes January to November off.

Yeah, sure, it’s great to threaten the kids with no toys for one month a year…but what do I do when they’re bratty in, say, the spring? 

Because threatening them with mom being mad at them is a joke.  But tell them that some magical fat guy is going to put them on the naughty (Gag!) list and they shape up.  And during the Christmas season you can see Santa wherever you go.  So the threat is real. 

All I’m saying is that mall Santas should have to put in an occasional appearance in the summer.  Let’s not be lazy fellas, put more effort into scaring the children year round, would ya?

1. Santa takes all the credit.

Who shops, wraps, bakes, cleans, cooks?  The parents.  Who gets all the credit? SANTA!

I’m sorry, Papa Noel, did you brave the stores and run people over with your double stroller in order to get the perfect gift?  In fact, you did not.  Did you stay up till 1 am assembling a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Truck last year?  Did you?  Speak up…I can’t hear you.  No?  You didn’t? 

That’s cause you’re awful. 

But on Christmas morning when the kids are psyched out of their minds about their toys they thank YOU!  And you let them! 

Stop being such a conceited ass.  Maybe this year you could drop a little note about much they should appreciate everything their parents do for them.  Is that too much to ask?

So there you have it.  My Top Ten reasons I think Santa needs to clean up his act.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

(Except you Mr. Clause…except you.)