Mommy Bath Time

In my experience there is nothing more relaxing than a nice hot bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. 

Being warm is one of my favorite things to do…second only to drinking wine.  When you combine the two its heaven.  And I throw in the book to seem intellectual and like I do something with my time other than drink wine and yell at my kids.

A lot of my friends like to post about how they are “relaxing in the bath”.  Sometimes they post pictures of their tub full to the brim with luxurious bubbles surrounded by aromatherapy candles. 

Well aren’t you guys cute with your “relaxation” and your “alone time”. 

I hate you.

My baths don’t go anything like that. 

First of all, my bathtub sucks.  It used to be green so we tried to redo it by “painting” it white.  Life lesson for you all: bathtub paint DOES NOT WORK.  It started bubbling up and peeling off almost immediately.  So now my bathtub is green with white stripes. 

After I make the decision to go be visually assaulted by my bathtub I have to find some way to get up there without alerting the children.  I usually mouth “I’m gonna take a bath” to my husband and he knows to start moving them towards the playroom. 

My kids have the attention span of…something with a very short attention span, so I have to move quickly.

I pour my wine and start to tip toe towards the stairs.  I go through the kitchen first.

I spot a dish in the sink.  One dish.

Why is there ONE dish in the sink?  Who does all of the dishes but one?  Did I do that?  Could have been me…also could have been the husband.  Either way, I absolutely CANNOT relax in the bath if I know that dish is just sitting there.  I stop at the sink, sipping my wine as I soap up the sponge. 

After doing the dish I continue on my merry way towards my nice, hot, stripy bathtub.  I pass the living room.

What!  Did they seriously just leave the Legos all over the place like that?  God, I can’t stand my kids!  They should have to clean up that mess.  But I obviously can’t call them in here to do that or I’ll be spotted.  So I’ll just have to do it because, after all, if I leave them there I’ll be thinking about it the whole time I’m supposed to be decompressing in the tub. 

Pick up Lego.  Sip wine.  Pick up Lego.  Sip wine.

There!  All clean.  Upstairs I go. 

I start the water, put in the bubbles and take a seat on the toilet to sip my wine and wait in anticipation for the warmth!  It’s at this point that I realize…

Shit!  I’m almost out of wine. 

And we all know the point of the wine is to sip it while you’re IN the bath.  I’m going to need more.  Now I have a tactical decision to make.  How am I going to get down there, over to the wine rack and then back upstairs without being spotted?  So I do what any rational woman would do when faced with this predicament.  I pick up my phone and call my husband:

“Um…hello?”

“It’s me…I need more wine.”

“Yes.  I know it’s you.  Because my caller ID said it was you.  But I’m confused because…I thought you were upstairs.”

“I am.  I ran out of wine.  I need you bring me up another glass.  I haven’t taken my bath yet.  If I go down there they’ll be on to me.”

“You’re not in the bath yet?  You started taking a bath like half an hour ago.”

“Just bring me another glass of wine would ya?  Bye.  Oh…wait…WAIT!  Bring the bottle. K, love you.”

After my WONDERFUL husband who loves me soooooo much refills my glass I finally get into the water…which is clearly lukewarm at this point.  And the bubbles are flat.

Whatever.  It’s fine; it’s the experience that I’m looking for anyway.  The “being alone with my wine and my book” experience.  Then, from downstairs, I hear it.  The words I had been dreading since I first started this process three or four hours ago:

“Where’s Mom?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Footsteps.  They’re coming for me. 

I glance towards the door and try to figure out if I have to time to get up, lock it, turn off the light and sit in silence in the dark until they go away.

“Hi Mom.” 

 

“You’re taking a bath?  That’s a lot of water you have in there.  Can I have that much water the next time I take a bath?  You need some toys…here…want this boat?  K.  How ‘bout these fishy guys?  I’ll just dump in the entire bucket for you.”

Now I have toys AND kids...exactly what this relaxing bath was missing!