Pants Are Hard. Do Not Recommend.

You know that saying ¨We all put our pants on one leg at a time¨? It's supposed to promote the idea that no matter our differences as humans at least we all have this one thing in common. This one ridiculously mundane thing that we all have the ability to do.

Are you aware, however, that there exists a certain percentage of the population for whom this task presents some unique challenges? I know! Its shocking right? Who in the world cannot manage this process?

*Slowly raises hand*

Apparently when it comes to getting dressed I still have some things to learn. Today was a complete fail for me in the putting on pants department. Here's how it went down...

I was staring at the clock and attempting to do math.  I should have known right then and there that nothing good was going to follow. I needed to run to Target. I also had to pick my kids up from school. Did I have enough time to do both of these things? In addition, I needed to shower. God, I was feeling ambitious!

So ten minutes of debating with myself later I decided I could have it all!

Cue Narrator: ¨Little did she know where her poor decision making skills were about to lead her...¨

So I jumped in the shower and was out in record time. Score one for me. (Spoiler...the score ends up being Me: 1 Life: 7,509)

I patted myself dry-ish and picked up the leggings I was previously wearing. Since I was in such a rush I obviously wanted to get dressed and out the door quickly. My legs were still a little damp but I stepped into my leggings...one leg at a time, mind you...and started to pull them up. Here's the chain of events that followed:

-Get leggings over feet and up to ankles.

-Realize I'm still a pretty damp person.

-Decide it's too late to turn back now and continue to try and pull leggings further up legs.

-Immediately regret decision.

-Know I am in too deep but press on hoping things will turn around.

-Reach the tipping point. The literal tipping point. As in...I start to fall over.

-See my life flash before my eyes as the spandex claws of death wrap themselves ever tighter around my calves.

-Foolishly hop around bathroom for a few seconds before realizing resistance is futile and succumb to my fate.

-Hit ground. Angrily cry out. Actually cry.

-Rip pants off in fit of rage and frustration.

-Sit pantless on the floor, exhausted and out of breath and begin questioning all of my life decisions thus far.

-Realize that I am currently 10 minutes further behind schedule than if I had just allowed my legs to fully dry.

-Wonder why I'm like this.

So there it is. My brush with death due to pants. Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic but those clingy little muthas were definitely the reason I didn’t make it to Target and that’s pretty depressing. Anyway, the important lesson and overall takeaway from the whole story should really be:

For a happier life stay home and avoid pants whenever possible.

Marry The One Who...

Romance!

Ok, now that I have your attention let’s talk about something important...and it’s not romance.

Well, I mean, it kind of is. But not in the traditional sense. I’m talking about real life, everyday situations in your relationships that may not present themselves as romantic but in reality are super romantic-y.

When we’re little girls movies indoctrinate us to the idea that romantic situations can only arise from grand gestures: The prince fighting a dragon or scaling the walls of the highest tower to rescue his love. But, honestly, those people knew each other for 5 whole seconds before declaring their undying love. I bet after the dragon was slayed and the tower crumbled they had some awkward conversations and discovered that the other person is, like, a terrible conversationalist, or doesn’t like dogs or...even worse...is a Yankees fan.

That’s not true love. Roses, candles, champagne. It’s all fine. But dinners at a fancy restaurants aren’t going to be the norm. Don’t focus on the one who’s going to sweep your off your feet and woo you with elaborate dates and fancy gifts but then never do a load of laundry.

I’m 17 (YIKES!) years into this crazy little thing called love so please allow me to give you a little advice on the subject...

Marry the one who gives you the better cut of meat:

A year ago my husband was making steaks for us and after we had eaten he told me: “While I was preparing them I noticed one piece felt like it might have a little gristle in the middle. So I made sure to take that piece for myself and save the better steak for you.”

Dude. That’s love.

Marry the one you can be gross in front of:

I know a couple of women who swear they have never “passed gas”...to use the polite expression for it... in front of their significant other. Constantly having to worry about this would be a total deal breaker for me. Sometimes life is yucky and your partner should be able to handle it. This one is especially important if you ever plan on becoming pregnant. Pregnancy is super gross.

Marry the one who will go to the post office for you:

OK, this one is specific to me but you’ll get the point, hold on. I hate the post office. I hate the smell and I hate the parking situation and I’m always confused about where to put certain packages and everyone is grumpy there. I do a lot of online shopping so I also do a lot of online returning. When I package up my returns they have to eventually be mailed...at the post office. My husband will always take my packages in for me even though I am perfectly capable of doing so myself. It’s a stupid little mundane thing that he does for me, not out of necessity, but out of love. And I appreciate the heck out of it.

Marry the one who always get two:

Going to the freezer for some ice cream? Get two. Going out to grab a coffee? Get two. Going to adopt a new puppy? Get three or four.

Marry the one who makes a fool out of himself for you:

When we first starting dating my husband and I decided to forgo the traditional Valentine’s Day celebration for a unique dinner of our own. Every year he cooks a four course theme dinner for me complete with skits and costumes. Past themes have included Harry Potter, Presidential Candidates and Celebrity Chefs. This man dressed up as Paula Deen to entertain me. Marry the man who will dress up as Paula Deen to entertain you.

I could go on because there are a million everyday examples showing how the little things matter most in a relationship. Remember, the flowers will die, the candles will burn out...but the friggin post office will always be there!