What Mom Said vs. What Mom Meant

I think one of the main parts of a Mom’s job is to be a good liar.  You need to be able to keep a straight face while saying things like “Yes! You ARE very good at breakdancing!” or “Of COURSE I like reading the same book 17 times in a row!”  

There are many times throughout the day when I find myself saying something I don’t really mean just to survive…too many to count actually.  I’ve come up with a few examples.  Here is a list of some things that moms say and the translation to what moms really mean:

Mom says: “I’m not going to say it again!”

Mom means: I’m going to say it exactly 57 more times.

Mom says: “I’ve had it with all the yelling.” 

Mom means: I’m going to add my own yelling into the mix in an attempt to solve the problem.

Mom says: “Sorry, that shirt is in the laundry.”

Mom means: I threw that stained piece of crap out and I’m going to just keep telling you it’s in the laundry until you forget it exists. 

Mom says: “I’m not your maid.” 

Mom means: I’m going to insist that I’m not your maid while picking up after you because I can’t stand the mess…thus proving that the opposite of this statement is true.

Mom says: "It's ok, you don't have to finish that mac and cheese. You're probably full."

Mom means: I got my eye on those last few bites.

Mom says: “Why don’t you go ahead and explain to me what’s happening in this beautiful picture!” 

Mom means:  I have no god damn clue what that’s supposed to be a picture of.

Mom says: “I’m throwing away any toys that are left out on the floor!”

Mom means: I’m going to pack them up in a trash bag to scare you but probably not actually toss them because I paid good money for those F’ing things!

Mom says: “You’re big enough to get dressed yourself and I’m not helping you.” 

Mom means: I’m going to keep up the charade that I’m not going to help you until I realize we actually do have to be somewhere and have exactly five minutes left before we have to leave the house.

Mom says: “That’s it! I’m gonna…”

Mom means: I’m about to come up with some outrageous punishment that I cannot possibly follow through with…

Mom says: “Can you guys go into the playroom and find me five of the coolest cars we have?” 

Mom means: I’m sneaking cookies and I don’t want you bastards to catch me.

Mom says: “Sorry that toy with the loud siren is broken.” 

Mom means: I took the batteries out. 

Mom says: “Sorry, iTunes isn’t working.” 

Mom means: I don’t want to listen to your shitty music about unicorns and tacos right now.

 Mom says: “Mommy just needs a little break.” 

Mom means: Can someone bring me a corkscrew?

Mom says: “You people are driving me crazy!” 

Mom means: You people are driving me crazy!

Huh…so I guess they aren’t all lies after all.

Pants Are Hard. Do Not Recommend.

You know that saying ¨We all put our pants on one leg at a time¨? It's supposed to promote the idea that no matter our differences as humans at least we all have this one thing in common. This one ridiculously mundane thing that we all have the ability to do.

Are you aware, however, that there exists a certain percentage of the population for whom this task presents some unique challenges? I know! Its shocking right? Who in the world cannot manage this process?

*Slowly raises hand*

Apparently when it comes to getting dressed I still have some things to learn. Today was a complete fail for me in the putting on pants department. Here's how it went down...

I was staring at the clock and attempting to do math.  I should have known right then and there that nothing good was going to follow. I needed to run to Target. I also had to pick my kids up from school. Did I have enough time to do both of these things? In addition, I needed to shower. God, I was feeling ambitious!

So ten minutes of debating with myself later I decided I could have it all!

Cue Narrator: ¨Little did she know where her poor decision making skills were about to lead her...¨

So I jumped in the shower and was out in record time. Score one for me. (Spoiler...the score ends up being Me: 1 Life: 7,509)

I patted myself dry-ish and picked up the leggings I was previously wearing. Since I was in such a rush I obviously wanted to get dressed and out the door quickly. My legs were still a little damp but I stepped into my leggings...one leg at a time, mind you...and started to pull them up. Here's the chain of events that followed:

-Get leggings over feet and up to ankles.

-Realize I'm still a pretty damp person.

-Decide it's too late to turn back now and continue to try and pull leggings further up legs.

-Immediately regret decision.

-Know I am in too deep but press on hoping things will turn around.

-Reach the tipping point. The literal tipping point. As in...I start to fall over.

-See my life flash before my eyes as the spandex claws of death wrap themselves ever tighter around my calves.

-Foolishly hop around bathroom for a few seconds before realizing resistance is futile and succumb to my fate.

-Hit ground. Angrily cry out. Actually cry.

-Rip pants off in fit of rage and frustration.

-Sit pantless on the floor, exhausted and out of breath and begin questioning all of my life decisions thus far.

-Realize that I am currently 10 minutes further behind schedule than if I had just allowed my legs to fully dry.

-Wonder why I'm like this.

So there it is. My brush with death due to pants. Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic but those clingy little muthas were definitely the reason I didn’t make it to Target and that’s pretty depressing. Anyway, the important lesson and overall takeaway from the whole story should really be:

For a happier life stay home and avoid pants whenever possible.

Marry The One Who...

Romance!

Ok, now that I have your attention let’s talk about something important...and it’s not romance.

Well, I mean, it kind of is. But not in the traditional sense. I’m talking about real life, everyday situations in your relationships that may not present themselves as romantic but in reality are super romantic-y.

When we’re little girls movies indoctrinate us to the idea that romantic situations can only arise from grand gestures: The prince fighting a dragon or scaling the walls of the highest tower to rescue his love. But, honestly, those people knew each other for 5 whole seconds before declaring their undying love. I bet after the dragon was slayed and the tower crumbled they had some awkward conversations and discovered that the other person is, like, a terrible conversationalist, or doesn’t like dogs or...even worse...is a Yankees fan.

That’s not true love. Roses, candles, champagne. It’s all fine. But dinners at a fancy restaurants aren’t going to be the norm. Don’t focus on the one who’s going to sweep your off your feet and woo you with elaborate dates and fancy gifts but then never do a load of laundry.

I’m 17 (YIKES!) years into this crazy little thing called love so please allow me to give you a little advice on the subject...

Marry the one who gives you the better cut of meat:

A year ago my husband was making steaks for us and after we had eaten he told me: “While I was preparing them I noticed one piece felt like it might have a little gristle in the middle. So I made sure to take that piece for myself and save the better steak for you.”

Dude. That’s love.

Marry the one you can be gross in front of:

I know a couple of women who swear they have never “passed gas”...to use the polite expression for it... in front of their significant other. Constantly having to worry about this would be a total deal breaker for me. Sometimes life is yucky and your partner should be able to handle it. This one is especially important if you ever plan on becoming pregnant. Pregnancy is super gross.

Marry the one who will go to the post office for you:

OK, this one is specific to me but you’ll get the point, hold on. I hate the post office. I hate the smell and I hate the parking situation and I’m always confused about where to put certain packages and everyone is grumpy there. I do a lot of online shopping so I also do a lot of online returning. When I package up my returns they have to eventually be mailed...at the post office. My husband will always take my packages in for me even though I am perfectly capable of doing so myself. It’s a stupid little mundane thing that he does for me, not out of necessity, but out of love. And I appreciate the heck out of it.

Marry the one who always get two:

Going to the freezer for some ice cream? Get two. Going out to grab a coffee? Get two. Going to adopt a new puppy? Get three or four.

Marry the one who makes a fool out of himself for you:

When we first starting dating my husband and I decided to forgo the traditional Valentine’s Day celebration for a unique dinner of our own. Every year he cooks a four course theme dinner for me complete with skits and costumes. Past themes have included Harry Potter, Presidential Candidates and Celebrity Chefs. This man dressed up as Paula Deen to entertain me. Marry the man who will dress up as Paula Deen to entertain you.

I could go on because there are a million everyday examples showing how the little things matter most in a relationship. Remember, the flowers will die, the candles will burn out...but the friggin post office will always be there!