What Not to Wear

You guys, I’m angry. 

Angry enough to finally sit down and actually write something after taking a little (5 months is considered little, right?) break.

I’ve been super busy lately but today pissed off trumps busy.  So here we go…

I’ve recently read two separate but equally stupid articles written about…you guessed it…mistakes made by moms. And more specifically, mom fashion faux pas (ßOooh! I spelled that correctly on the first try! I’m amazed by myself right now…but I digress).

The first horrendous article I read was all like “Oh hey, moms? Don’t drop your kids off to school in your pajamas ok?  Cause, like, other parents and teachers totally shouldn’t have to look at you dressed like that.”

The second crap-tastic post was all like “Moms, here are the things you should NOT be wearing…ever.  Why? Because some random person out here in internet-land-ville told you not to.”

Now, I am an adult so I’d like to say to both of these writers with all due respect and utmost maturity:

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!! (With SO MANY exclamation points.)

Is this serious?  Is this actually happening? Did mothers who write blogs run out of other ways to bash each other? Isn’t that breastfeeding issue still a thing? Can’t we focus on being guilty about that for a little bit longer before we move on?

Do you really, I mean reeeeeeallly, care how people look when they pull their car up in front of school and their kids hop out and then they pull away? The whole interaction takes about 15 seconds.  If someone’s clothing is that offensive to you in that short amount of time then maybe the problem is…oh, I don’t know…WITH  YOU!

I realize that there are plenty of parents who go directly to work after drop off or who just like to be dressed and ready for the day early in the morning.  And that is awesome, they are amazing.  But there are other parents whose lifestyle does not require them to be showered and pretty at 7 am.  They come home and clean, or they take care of other kids, or they go to the gym, or they who the F cares…

I have never ever read a progress report that says “Jimmy is doing awesome in school, however, mom could really use to run a brush through her hair in the morning”.

Is the kid there, dressed, fed and ready to go? Then high five, sister! Nailed it!

I can just picture the author of this ridiculous article sitting around with her little douche patrol friends going “Oh my GAWD! Did you see what Mrs. So and So was wearing this morning?  I almost couldn’t finish my mocha double soy flax seed half calf latte because I was so DISGUSTED by it!”

There are a lot of serious issues in this world: homelessness, war, famine, Ebola, gender inequality, world friggin’ peace.  How about you focus your small minded judgmental energy on something just a touch more important than flannel plaid sleepwear?

Oh, and YOU! You Miss don’t wear maxi dresses.  Or capris.  Or shorts. Or crocs…ok, fine, I agree with crocs.  I personally don’t like them but if YOU do then go ahead and rock on with your awkward shoe choices…I will not tell you no!

The biggest issue I take with this particular article is that it focused on what MOMS should not be wearing.  Personally I feel there are several fashion choices that are just not appealing on anyone and my option does not change based on whether you’ve birthed a human or not.  Why you gotta hate on moms?

Moms take care of other people.  That’s what we do.  But we don’t have to lose our personal tastes and styles in the process.  We wear what makes us comfortable or happy.  And we don’t give any shits what you THINK we should look like.  Some days I wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt cause I felt like being comfy.  And some days I put on jeans and a cute shirt because I feel like looking a little dressier.  Know who makes that decision?  ME!

“Oh you so CAN NOT chase after children if you’re wearing a maxi dress”.  Um…yes you can.  Wanna know how I know?  Cause I’ve done it.  Maybe YOU can’t chase after children if you’re wearing a maxi dress but that’s not my problem. 

Unless E! is paying you to tell people to stop tight rolling their jeans then I don’t know who you think you are writing a what not to wear post.  And also, is tight rolling back yet?  Cause I feel like if you just stick with one style long enough eventually it’ll come back around…and then look how fashion forward you’ve been for the past 20 years!

Anyway…

Do not tell me how to dress.  Do not tell me what not to wear.  Do not tell me to put on a specific type of clothing.  My choices don’t have to be your choices.  Go ahead and make fun of me behind my back.  I make fun of PLENTY of people behind their backs…I call my sister and we have a good laugh and then I return to being a normal non-douchey human being.  And I don’t write about you on the internet unless you really deserve it...like right now for instance.  You deserved this.

P.S.  God protect anyone who ever, in any way, comes at my yoga pants.  Cause I’ll burn this whole city to the ground, so help me!