Raising Those Funds

It’s back to school time! Know what that means?

It means last week when I picked up the kids and looked in their backpacks I found two crappy magazines filled with overpriced junk that I now have to sell to my closest friends and family.

If you just read that and think you may fall into one of those categories I won’t be offended if you suddenly cut all ties with me, block my phone number, unfriend me on all social media sites and go into witness protection just to be safe. 

It’s what I would do.

Unless, of course, you really need a decorative doily declaring your love for olives.  If that’s the case hit me up, I’ve got you covered.

It’s at times like these when I’m really glad to have my best friend in my life.  Cause I called her up this morning and said:

“Do you want the $25 candle that you can get for $7 in the store or the $32 dollar mug that says “Hooray! I’m happy that we’re friends and shit” or something along those lines on it…??”

Do other people promote their children’s products like that?  If not I suggest you start cause I was able to sell her two owl shaped candle holders that she probably didn’t need and will most likely use infrequently.

Ok, ok, I know there are some of you out there saying “Don’t be so mean…schools need to raise funds!”

Yes, I realize that.  I just wish they didn’t have to raise funds by selling a spatula that has one end specifically for peanut butter and one end specifically for jelly.  Us jerks who cross contaminate the two scoff at this idea. 

What do you do if you need to make a quick PB&J and your fancy spatula is dirty?  Does all hell break loose?  Although, if you’re the type of person who owns this culinary wonder you’re probably also the type of person who runs their dishwasher frequently enough that this will never be an issue.  Good for you.

And Carter’s fundraiser has little rewards for those kids who sell the highest number of unnecessary garbage to their unsuspecting relatives.  So if you don’t sell stuff your kid may end up being the only asshole in class without a keychain shaped like a smiley face.  And then I think a member of the PTO comes in and explains to him that his parents didn’t care enough about his well-being to make their friends buy $15 wrapping paper…

I really want my kid to feel rewarded for all of the work that I’M doing harassing the shit out of people so I asked my husband to take the catalogue into work with him.

“You remember that I’m an engineer right?  My workplace is 95% males.  Did you want me to try and sell them the plate with a poem about family on it or the $21 lip gloss?” 

Don’t be silly honey! Neither of those.  I was just hoping you could hock a couple subscriptions to Women’s World Magazine…

Obviously I have to buy something from this marvelous selection of fine items.  I was gonna go with a pan that makes your pancakes look like little smiley bear faces but eating things that are smiling at me freaks me out and I don’t want to pass that on to my children:  Oh come here little cute bear! You look so nice and friendly! I bet you have a cuddly family and everything too, huh?  Ok…I’m gonna stab you in the face now…

I came to the chocolate section and thought, ok now we’re talking, finally something I can get on board with.  But it was $12 for 12 puny little chocolates.  Are you kidding me?  They better be made with, like, angel tears or unicorn breath for that price. 

The moral of the story is if you see my number come up on your caller ID any time over the next two  weeks you should probably just ignore me.

Why can’t this be a thing…

 

I would overpay for wine any day of the week.  There's always next year.