Sick

Carter’s not feeling well. 

Here is a quick list of things I’d rather have happen than have Carter not feel well…I’d rather:

-Have jury duty for a full month.

-Be stuck on hold with my cable company while they play Christopher Cross songs on repeat.

-Sit through an elementary school production of Macbeth.

-Run into someone I haven’t seen in a while on a bad hair day...and also I'm naked.

-Have Grant be sick.

That last one sounds mean.  But it’s not like I WANT Grant to be sick…I would just RATHER him be sick.

Sick Grant sounds like this: “Mom, I’m sick.”

Sick Carter sounds like this: “I AM SICK! Did everyone hear me?  In case you didn’t hear me I’m going to whine and complain and be miserable all day so that you’re aware of just how sick I am.  There is no one on earth who has ever been sicker than me.  Ever.  And I need stuff from you.  I need you to constantly bring me things like blankets…no not THAT blanket…another blanket…ok, actually fine, bring that first blanket back…”

Dear Future Daughter in Law, Oh my God I am so sorry!  Please do not kick him out and send him back to me the first time he gets a cold.  Cause you’re gonna want to.

This week Carter had swimmer’s ear.  He woke up the other day and his ear hurt.  Wanna know how I know his ear hurt?  Well, the ear-piercing, glass-shattering scream was my first hint.  Followed every five minutes by another, louder, scream.  Like he was thinking maybe I missed the first one and he should step up his game.

Hey, Cart?  Got the memo.  Thanks.

So I called the doctor.  They prescribed drops.  But then all of a sudden he was better and not screaming so without the constant reminder of his distress I maaaaay have forgotten to put the drops in…for two straight days.

Cut to today.  It’s been two full days since I heard any word about ear pain.  All of a sudden the screaming starts up again.  But instead of intermittent screaming, it’s unbelievable incredibly, remarkably loud continuous screaming. 

And isn’t that the best kind?

So I had to take him to the doctors.  He screamed the whole way there. 

“STOP GOING OVER BUMPS! The bumps are HURTING MY EAR!”

After that ride I had some ear pain myself. 

So we saw the doctor.  His ear was inflamed and needed an antibiotic.  And as she was listening to his chest she added “Um…did you know that he’s wheezing…badly?”

Actually I did not know that.  Let me get this straight…he has an ear infection probably because I didn’t do the damn drops in the first place and he also can’t breathe which I apparently didn’t notice. Move aside Octo-Mom, there’s a new ‘Mother of the Year’ in town! Sure you have too many kids, but can they all BREATHE PROPERLY??  Ha! Gotcha there sister!

At this point I looked at his pediatrician:

Me: “Oh my GOD!  I’m the worst mother ever!”

Her: “No! No you’re not.”

Carter: “YES! She is!”

Well there you have it.  Guess he would know.  So am I not allowed to bitch about how obnoxious Carter is when he's sick if I'm the one who caused it?  Cause I gotta be honest...I'm still gonna.