Before you have kids you have a lot of expectations of what
life will be like after you have kids. Mostly
you think life will be the exact same except you’ll have a kid. You’re wrong.
Before my little blessings (?) came into my life I had a few
ideas of how I was going to raise my children.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I was a shithead.
I would really like to have a conversation with my pre-kid
self and straighten out a few things…here are some topics I might cover:
Overall
Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t think parenting is going to be that
difficult.”
Me Now: “You are clearly unaware of the amount of wine you’re
going to be drinking.”
Punctuality
Pre-Kid Me: “I don’t understand why people with kids are
always late to things. I feel like they
just use that as an excuse. Just start
getting ready earlier.”
Me Now: “You can start getting yourself and your baby ready
precisely nine hours before you need to walk out the door and the kid will wait
until three seconds before that time to blow out a diaper. Oh and also you’re gonna want to go change
cause your milk is leaking through that top.
But nothing else fits you cause you just had a baby so you’re gonna need
at least 15 minutes to sit down and cry about that fact before you’re ready to
go.”
Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s a newborn. What about when they’re older? Then you just dress them and run out the
door.”
Me Now: “Let me get you acquainted with the two year old who
refuses to wear pants. You spend 20
minutes wrestling those friggin pants onto his contorted little body but the
second you let go he rips them off again.
You do this several times before you say forget this shit and try to get his pants-less
ass into the car anyway. But by that time he’s kicking and screaming so much that you
can’t even pick him up.”
Pre-Kid Me: “Well that’s when you just tell him in a firm
voice to put his pants on.”
Me Now: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Bitch, you don’t know what’s coming!”
Listening Skills
Pre-Kid Me: “My kids are going to listen to me; they aren’t
going to be allowed to argue or say
no to me.”
Me Now: “My GOD
you’re a douche! Why hasn’t anybody slapped you yet?”
Pre-Kid Me: “Well really, it’s not hard. If you want them do something they’ll just do
it if you’re a good parent.”
Me Now: “I can’t wait until the first time your oldest, who
I have a feeling is going to be very head-strong, refuses to take a nap and all
you want to do is watch last night’s Law & Order SVU on your DVR. And you tell him over and over to stay in his
bed but he says no and keeps getting up and not listening to you. And then you cry and call your mother.”
Nutrition
Pre-Kid Me: “My kids will never eat cookies for breakfast!”
Me Now: “Ah, yeah they will.”
Giving In
Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to give in to my kids just because
it’s easier.”
Me Now: “Yeah ok fine, you’re not gonna give in every time,
sometimes you’ll stand your ground and make your point. But sometimes it’s the end of a long day and
you don’t really give a crap if they want to make a fort out of your couch
cushions and then eat a whole box of Cheeze-its under there 20 minutes before
dinner.”
Pre-Kid Me: “No, that’s not going to happen.”
Me Now: “Woman! Do you think I made that story up?”
Composure
Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to be one of those crazy frazzled
moms you see who scream at their wild misbehaving children.”
Me Now: “Actually, you’re gonna be the Poster Mom for that.”
Pre-Kid Me: “No, I’m not going to have to scream to get my
kids to stop doing something. I’ll just
get down on their level and explain why we don’t do that.”
Me Now: “I seriously feel you are ill-prepared for this line
of work.”
Temper Tantrums
Pre-Kid Me: “I will never go out of my way to avoid my child
throwing a tantrum. If my kids throw a tantrum I’ll simply ignore it until they
calm down.”
Me Now: “On May 29, 2013 you will be driving your kids home
from school and they will both want to go a different way home. Knowing that whichever way you pick you are
inevitably screwed, you decide to drive down the street with the Buick Skylark
first and then loop around and drive down the street with the two hills before
continuing on your way home. You will do this just to keep everyone happy. You
will then enjoy lunchtime in peace instead of having to listen to relentless
screaming.”
Pre-Kid Me: “Oh my GOD! I will never ever do that!”
Me Now: “Just happened.
Fact.”
Pre-Kid Me: “Shit.”
Me Now: “Right? I know.”
Pre-Kid Me: “What the hell happened to me?”
Me Now: “Honey, you had kids…”
“On May 29, 2013 you will be driving your kids home from school and they will both want to go a different way home. Knowing that whichever way you pick you are inevitably screwed, you decide to drive down the street with the Buick Skylark first and then loop around and drive down the street with the two hills before continuing on your way home. You will do this just to keep everyone happy. You will then enjoy lunchtime in peace instead of having to listen to relentless screaming.” <-- Yup.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I really wish I had you now telling pre-kid me all this stuff.
Is it bad that under the category of "Composure", I totally read: "Pre-Kid Me: “I’m not going to be one of those crazy frazzled moms you see who scream at their wild MASTERBATING children.”
ReplyDeleteOy vey . . . I need more wine. Or less. I'm not real clear on that. I'll just go with more. More is always better.
That's outstanding! Wild wild masterbating children have got to be some of the worst kind of children!
DeleteAnd duh...the answer is always more wine. Have I taught you nothing?? :)