One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is getting to
watch my Christmas movies.
Other movies you could watch at any moment of the
year. Assuming of course that your kids
don’t suck every ounce of life from you during the day and after they go to bed
you actually have the staying power to sit down and watch a movie. It doesn’t happen here…but hypothetically
speaking you could watch any movie at
any time.
One of my favorite Christmas movies is Home Alone. The first one. Actually, the second one is good too. By the time they got to the third though…WTF!
Knock it off. Anyway, the first is the
best by far.
As with any holiday tradition that you enjoy, I am waiting
for the day when I can sit down with my kids and watch that movie and laugh and
laugh. I know they would get a kick out
of it and I would love it even more watching them enjoy the movie alongside me.
But not this year.
I’m not sure when I’ll feel safe letting Carter experience
Home Alone but I can definitely say I’m not there yet. I have a few good reasons…
1.
The Line “Look what you did, you little
jerk!”
Because it will undoubtedly become his new favorite thing to
say. To Grant.
And don’t little brothers have enough to worry about without
having shithead lines hand fed to their tormenters by Hollywood?
2.
The maternal guilt factor in this film is
just not fair.
Seriously, the mom is freaking the hell out and going crazy
and the dad is all like “Whatever, we’ll get there when we get there…anyone
have a crepe?”
Hello! Dude, why is your wife the only one who cares that
your young child is home alone? At very
least I think my husband would be paranoid that Carter would break something in
the house that he would eventually have to fix.
So he’d want to get his ass home if only for damage control purposes.
Moms have enough trouble being guilty about mundane every
day matters. Do we have to put up with
this crap when we watch movies too? The film
basically says “Hey Moms, everything that goes wrong ever in life is your
fault. YOU’RE the one who put him in
that attic in the first place. NO ONE
ELSE has any responsibility here whatsoever.
You deserve every second of polka music that you had to endure. Merry Christmas ya filthy animal!”
3.
The police in this town are completely
worthless.
God forbid you take more than two seconds to look around the
house. You must be so busy enforcing law
in suburban Middle America that you couldn’t POSSIBLY do anything besides ring
the doorbell to investigate this matter.
Police officers are among Carter’s heroes. I want him to call on them in times of need
instead of saying “Eh, I saw Home Alone…they aren’t gonna really do anything
anyway. That kid was stuck in his house for days.”
4.
I routinely scare the shit out of him by
threatening to leave the house without him.
Before watching Home Alone:
“Put your coat on…”
“Let me just make this guy do a back flip first.”
“Put your coat on now or I’m leaving without you…ok…bye.”
“NOOOOOO! Ok, I’m
putting my coat on!”
After watching Home Alone:
“Put your coat on…”
“Let me just make this guy do a back flip first.”
“Put your coat on now or I’m leaving without you…ok…bye.”
“Ok, see ya. I’ll
just sled down the stairs and eat pizza while you’re gone!”
If he thinks being home by himself is going to be a blast I
lose all credibility. I need this
card. I play it often. I once actually pulled out of the driveway
without him because he wouldn’t put his shoes on. I thought his head was going to explode he
was so upset. The therapy bill for that one is gonna be large. Whatever, he put the damn shoes on after that…worth
it in my book. How else would I get his ass out the door most days? He must continue to believe being left alone in his house is a bad thing. Screw you Kevin for making it look like a party.
5.
Um…EVERYTHING KEVIN DOES TO THE BURGLERS!
Hey , Cart! Here is a bunch of dangerous yet HILARIOUS shit
for you to try! Blow torches are a
ball! Have you tried making someone step
on a nail lately? Good times, good
times.
I know for a fact that if I let Carter watch this movie his
evil genius brain is going to start working overtime. I will actually expect smoke to come out of
his f’ing ears because he’s so busy plotting how to throw together any one of the
extra super cool booby traps that he just viewed.
I’ll have to start sleeping with one eye open…and flicking
water on all my doorknobs to test if they’re hot.
So yeah, I’m not ready for this yet. Maybe next year. But probably more like when
he’s 25…and doesn’t live with me anymore.
